


Oh My God They Were Roommates AU

by Wholocked96



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Artist Steve Rogers, Drunken Confessions, Fluff and Humor, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Mechanic Bucky Barnes, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:08:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 66,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23767471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wholocked96/pseuds/Wholocked96
Summary: AU where Steve and Bucky are roommates. Slow burn to relationship. Will have lots of chapters. "Steve, I don't think anyone is good enough for you. Some of them are okay, but lately, you bring people home and I just see assholes who don't see you for who you are. I know you're gorgeous, believe me, I'm gay, I know my best friend is a looker, but they only see that."
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 24
Kudos: 72





	1. Chapter 1

I don’t normally write AU’s so I don’t know how this is going to turn out, but let me know if you guys like it. I really like the idea of a dominant Steve, and a submissive Bucky so I’ll be incorporating that. Drop me a review and let me know what you think!

_Oh My God They Were Roommates_

_Chapter One_

Bucky slammed the door as he stormed out. He instantly regretted it. It wasn’t Steve’s fault he was in a bad mood. Well, maybe it was, but Steve didn’t know that. Poor guy had no clue what he did to Bucky on a regular basis. The way his heart hammered against his chest when Steve smiled, the tingling his touch left on Bucky’s skin. It wasn’t fair. It probably wasn’t even right.

Bucky had known Steve since they were little, grade school. They had both been bullied but with Steve’s heart condition Bucky was the one who ended up standing up to people for them, even though Steve would still try, he mostly just ended up with bruises and broken bones. Looking back though Bucky was glad he’d had the chance to protect Steve while he could, he didn’t need protection anymore, certainly didn’t want it, so Bucky treasured the memories of Steve needing him. Steve’s parents had finally scrapped up enough money to get Steve into surgery, it had cleared his heart condition completely and Steve had finally been able to grow stronger. Bucky had hated how fast Steve grew at first, the boy had sprouted like a damn tree and now Steve stood at least three inches over Bucky. It just added to the feeling of not being needed. But when Bucky had finally embraced his sexuality he had to admit, Steve’s towering height was beyond sexy. Add it to his powerful build, something Steve spent a lot of time at the gym for, and it should have been illegal. His damn hair, and his damn eyes, and his damn stupidity.

Bucky grimaced and stormed out of the apartment building, glad he had thought to grab his keys before he left. He dropped into his car and instantly reached over into the glovebox, turning the keys in the ignition and rolling down the windows as he grabbed the pack of cigarettes. He lit it with a practiced flick of the lighter and took a deep drag, hoping it would calm his nerves. 

Seeing Steve bring another sketchy character home had done more to him than he realized. He refused to acknowledge that the pit in his stomach was actually jealousy, fiery hot possession. Steve was his, he’d always belonged to him, and no one else was good enough to take care of his Stevie. Instead he focused on tapping it down deeper, burying it. He hadn’t realized how hard moving in with Steve would be, honestly hadn’t even acknowledged his possessive feelings until they’d already settled. But becoming roommates had always been the boys’ dream, and after Steve’s parents basically disowned him it made even more sense, and Bucky couldn’t stand the thought of anyone else being Steve’s roommate so he ignored his feelings in favor of their friendship. They had been each other’s confidants. Bucky had known before anyone else that Steve was bisexual, and Steve had been the first one to know that Bucky was gay. They had a wonderfully open and understanding relationship, they could tell each other anything. 

So when Steve had been kicked out Bucky had immediately started looking for apartments, whatever his feelings were he would not leave Steve in the dirt. Neither boy was rich, but Bucky had been sure they could get by together. It had helped tremendously when he’d mentioned it to Tony, their mutual friend who had too much time and money on his hands. Tony had almost instantly convinced his dad, Howard, to rent a small two bedroom apartment to the two boys at a steeply discounted rate. Howard had even helped them furnish it, nothing too crazy, but a decent couch, Tv, dressers, beds, and kitchen supplies so they could get fully on their feet without too much stress. It was nice. It had been almost a year and it was nice. 

Now Bucky almost regretted it. Almost. He loved coming home from work to find Steve cooking, or lounging on the couch waiting for him. They’d had too many good nights where it was just them, playing games, binging shows, just being together. And then a few months ago something changed. Steve had started bringing home people. It was a nice apartment, but the walls were thin and Bucky always felt sick when Steve and his new person, whoever they happened to be that night, disappeared into Steve’s room. It just went on, Steve never stuck with one person for long, and he seemed to be enjoying himself. But Bucky had never felt so useless. When had he stopped being enough for Steve? Had he never been enough? Did Steve just put up with him because he stuck around? It was starting to kill Bucky, but he’d never desert his friend. So he took to going out by himself instead. He’d found a list of bars that were fun to hang out at and he never went home before two in the morning. At least by then they’d be sleeping, or gone. It also meant Bucky slept later than Steve, so Steve’s new friend was never around when Bucky finally fell out of bed to go to work. 

He sighed, breathing out another cloud of smoke. Steve had told him it was just gonna be them tonight. They were gonna play Scrabble with Agents of Shield playing in the background, sharing a bottle of cheap whiskey. Instead, Steve had gotten a call, Bucky had teased him about being a booty call for someone, but Steve had only laughed and invited the guy over. So now Steve and the guy, he’d introduced himself to Bucky but Bucky didn’t care enough to remember his name, were curled up on the couch, completely ignoring the gory show the guy had picked, opting to aggressively make out instead. It wasn’t even a good show, Bucky might have stuck around if they’d left Agents of Shield playing, but they’d switched the show, then completely ignored it. Bucky realized with a huff that he was feeling left out. 

He tossed the cigarette butt into the gutter beside the car and stared up at the window to the apartment. With the car window down the cold was starting to get to him and he regretted not grabbing his jacket. His white tank top wasn’t cutting it right now, but there was no way he was going back up to get it. He reached into his pocket for his phone and cursed. It was still on the coffee table, next to his whiskey. Damn it. Still not worth going up for though. So Bucky rolled up the window and pulled away from the curb, wallowing at a bar was his best option at this point. At least he could afford some better whiskey with having gotten paid that day. Normally he had to go the cheap route with nasty beer, tonight though, he’d drown himself. 

The parking lot wasn’t as busy as he expected for a Friday night, but maybe it was just because it was late. He shivered lightly as he got out of the car, his thin tank top and dark jeans not quite enough to cut through the cold. At least he’d had the foresight to throw on sneakers.

The sound of the bar as he stepped inside was a welcome distraction from his heavy thoughts. The barstools were surprisingly clear and most of the noise was coming from a large group in the far back corner. Bucky grimaced, the last thing he wanted was a drunken party goer hitting on him. 

He grabbed a stool and nodded at the bartender. Adam was one of his favorites, and Bucky was glad to see him.

“What’ll it be? Bud light?”

Bucky shook his head, resting his forearms on the counter top. “Not tonight, I need something stronger than that.”

“Jack Daniel’s it is. Neat?”

Bucky nodded. Maybe he was coming around here too often if the bartender already knew what he liked. Bucky couldn’t remember actually getting anything besides the cheap beer and the one brand of whiskey when he came in. “Actually, on the rocks, and make it a double.”

Adam replaced the short glass and exchanged it for a taller one as he whistled under his breath. “That bad of a night, huh? Roommate troubles again?”

Bucky rubbed his hand across his eyes, trying to rub out the start of a tension headache. Adam was the only bartender here that actually knew his problem. It wasn’t that Bucky was shy, but he liked having his own business stay his. Bucky could hold his liquor well, but he couldn’t always help what was said once he got a little too wasted. “Yeah, you could say that.” 

The glass clinked on the counter in front of him and he nodded, picking it up and toasting the bartender. He took a deep gulp, relishing the burn. He stretched his neck and tried to relax. He sighed deeply and took another drink. “That’s why I’m glad you guys stay open most of the night. Keeps me from losing my mind.” 

“Oh my god, your arm!”

Bucky flinched away from the loud squeal. Well, maybe a squeal was unfair, but it was loud whatever it was. He glanced over at the girl as she slammed an empty beer bottle on the counter beside him. Her eyes were staring at his left shoulder. Without asking and fast enough that Bucky couldn’t pull away, she grabbed his wrist and ran her fingers up the tattooed sleeve and over the toned muscle, finally stopping at the bright red star on his upper bicep. “It’s gorgeous, who’s your artist? I’ve never been able to get my tattoos to stay this bright, how do you do it?”

He pulled his arm away gently, a little too self conscious in just his tank top. He loved his sleeve, but generally tried not to bring too much attention to it. “Um, it’s a gal on the parkway, she does a good job. But she’s still working on filling in the gaps.” 

The petite girl nodded, her dusty red hair falling out of the casual braid on top of her head, brushing her cheeks. “It’s amazing. ‘Till the end of the line’, how sweet!” She brushed her fingers along the printed words on his forearm. “And the designs are just stellar! Oh my god, I’m jealous!”

He smirked in spite of his bad attitude. “Thanks, it’s a friendship thing, my buddy has a matching line on his right arm.” The words hit his stomach, making the knot there even worse. That’s where his sleeve had started. The star had been there for years, but Steve had joked about how cool it would be if Bucky filled in the arm, even offering to get a matching tattoo to commemorate their friendship after they had come out to each other. Steve’s ‘till the end of the line’ was on the top of his right forearm, where Steve said the words created a shield to protect him when Bucky wasn’t around. Well, at least that’s the way it had been, Bucky wondered if Steve even looked at it anymore. 

The girl claimed a barstool and leaned closer, still inspecting the designs. “That’s so sweet, my bestie and I have one too, see?” She pulled away far enough to drop the sleeve of her crop top off her shoulder. A black vine stretched from her back, over her shoulder and across her collarbone, ending in an infinity symbol.. “Thick as thieves, that’s us! He has arrows and stuff, mine’s just a vine. Different enough,but still there, ya know?”

Bucky recovered enough from her abrupt presence to take the girl in completely. She seemed a little young, but there was an air about her that put her age a little higher than he originally thought. Mid twenties? She also wasn’t incredibly tall. She had on a tight pair of distressed jeans that disappeared into knee high combat boots, which were currently resting on the supports of his own barstool. Her grey crop top displayed a couple of guys sitting on the hood of a classic car, obviously some kind of tv show merch. The high cut of the hem showed off a slim stomach, but the neckline was modest enough that only her collarbones were visible. She had large hoops in her ears that hit her shoulders when she looked down, and her left ear even sported a sparkly cuff. Her hair was done up, almost messy, but casual enough to be appealing, the locks that fell out framed her eyes. Bucky had always liked girls in makeup, and this one was no different. She wasn’t covered in the stuff, but her caramel eyes were rimmed in gold, and her lips were a dark purple, it was a surprising combination that worked. 

She dropped her hand back to his, still taking in all the designs. He reached with his other hand for his drink. He needed to be way more buzzed than he currently was if she wasn’t going to leave him alone. 

“Tv shows, right? Captain America around your star, and that is an Agents of Shield quinjet right?” 

He nodded at her, Steve had been the one to pick most of the sleeve, but he had had a say. In between all the roses and flourishes that Steve had drawn himself Bucky had been sure to add some of his favorite things. There was also a sniper crosshair on there somewhere, some lines of music notes, even a woman dressed in the style of the ‘20’s dancing. He might be gay, but he appreciated beauty when he saw it. All of it was shaded and filled with red and black. Bucky had to admit though, his favorite part of his sleeve was where Steve’s artistic side had gone wild, a good half of his arm was simply drawings from Steve in sharpie that Bucky had instantly gone to have tattooed there permanently. Though there were obvious gaps from where he had run out of money and the sharpie had faded. He had made Steve promise to redraw the designs when he had some money to spend on it again. He was a hopeless romantic after all, and he wasn’t afraid to admit it. He thanked his tattoo artist's talent though for being able to weave everything together. 

The girl seemed to finally get enough of his arm to look up at Adam and tap her bottle. “I’ll take another, Adam, staring at a masterpiece like this makes me want another tattoo myself, get me drunk so I’ll forget.”

Adam laughed and switched her bottles. She took a deep drink. 

“Get you drunk? You sure you’re not there already?” Bucky reclaimed his arm and took another drink. 

She laughed. “Oh, this is just my third one, and you better believe I can hold my liquor.” 

Bucky chuckled and glanced at her again. She was now fully relaxed against the bar, her hip supporting her. She really was a looker, but the more he listened and looked the more he wondered how old she really was. The tones of voice she used were loud, but there were undertones of responsibility. He had yet to meet a girl who could match his liquor intake though. “I’d hate to hear you drunk, you’re loud enough already.” 

She laughed again. “Well, stick around, hottie, and you might get to see.”

With that she winked at him and jumped off the stool, walking back over to a small group of people in a dark corner. Bucky hadn’t noticed them when he first walked in, but they were all a little older and not nearly as loud as the group in the back. 

He shook his head and turned his attention back to his drink.   
  


“Don’t mind her,” Adam told him as he polished some glasses with a rag. “That’s just Nat, she’ll talk your ear off sober, but give her some vodka and she goes quiet. And don’t worry about her hitting on you, she does it to everyone, it’s basically her hello. If she doesn’t hit on, something’s wrong.”

Bucky smirked. “That’s comforting, thanks.” 

He fell silent as he went back to his thoughts, finishing his drink far too fast. But he couldn’t bring himself to care, and with a nod Adam refilled it for him. 

He was three drinks and a couple hours in when Nat came back. She pulled out the barstool beside him and settled in. He held back a groan. But Adam was right, she’d had a few more drinks and was significantly quieter. He glanced back at her group, but there was no one there. 

“Didn’t leave with your friends?”

She shrugged. “They can’t seem to hang around after one in the morning anymore, something about work and science crap.”

He just grunted in reply. 

“But what’s your story? I can sense heartbreak when I see it, and considering you’re still here, it must have been a bad one.”

He raised his eyes to glare at her, the buzz in his head had loosened the knot, and he could tell his words weren’t quite steady anymore. “I am not heartbroken, a guy isn’t allowed to wallow in some self pity every now and again?”

She smirked, this time accepting a martini from Adam. “Self pity, heartbreak, almost the same thing.”

“I am not heartbroken. Just trying to get up the courage to head home.” He swirled his drink and took another sip. He doubted Steve would miss him, but he’d left his phone at home so even if he was missed, there was no way Steve would find him, and Bucky was almost grateful for that.

Nat suddenly offered him her hand. “Natasha, by the way, realized I never officially introduced myself. You from around here then?”

He reached over and shook her hand quickly. “James, but you can call me Bucky. Yeah, a couple miles from here over in Brooklyn.” 

She nodded. “I wonder if you know some people from Brooklyn high? Stark used to go there.”

“Tony Stark?” He looked up in disbelief.

“Yeah, you know him?”

He chuckled again. “He’s the only reason I still live in Brooklyn, almost had to move away cause it’s so expensive, but he convinced his dad to let me and my buddy rent a place discounted.”

She swirled her glass carefully. “That’s Tony alright, he never mentioned he still has friends there.”

“We’re not super close, him and Steve got in a little thing and it kind of fell apart after that. He’s still a friend though, Steve’s just an ass.”

“Sounds like Tony too, must be a fun dynamic to watch.” She hummed quietly when he only nodded. “So…. Steve, huh?”

He glared at her. But before he could say anything Adam tapped his arm with a corded phone. “It’s for you, Buck.”

Bucky took it out of habit, surprised that he hadn’t even heard it ringing. He was close to the registers, was he that drunk already? He put the speaker to his ear. “Hello?”

“Where the hell have you been?? You can’t disappear like that on me without taking your phone, Bucky! I’m glad I remember your favorite haunts, this is the fourth place I’ve called!” Steve sounded hysterical, which was surprising, but he never called Bucky when one of his friends came over, what was his deal?

Bucky sighed and rubbed his eyes with his free hand. “I figured I wouldn’t be missed, you seemed busy. Hardly noticed me leave.” His buzz kept him from keeping the venom from his voice.

“That’s not fair, Buck, what’s your problem with me having people over, huh? Why don’t you bring someone by every now and again, maybe it’d pull you out of your fucking moods.”

Bucky’s jaw tightened and he downed the rest of his drink. “Who said I cared, Steve? Nobody cares about your fucking habits, so let me have mine, huh?” 

“You’re smoking again, too, aren’t you? You know how you get when you drink and smoke, I thought we had gotten past this??”

Bucky wanted to slam the phone down, or throw it somewhere. “Why the fuck do you care so much? Just go back to your room and don’t worry about considering the other people who live around you, I’m sure they don’t care about all the noise you make.”

“You can’t drive anymore can you? You only get like this when you’ve been drinking too long. Hand the phone back and don’t you dare think about leaving, I’m coming to get you. And for the record, he’s not here anymore. He got pissed and he left, and now instead of having a shoulder to lean on I have to track you down and drag you home, how’s that for considerate, huh?”

Bucky felt his stomach drop, Steve was alone? What had the other guy done? Instead of replying though he just slammed the phone on the counter. It wasn’t nearly as satisfying when the action didn’t hang it up, but whatever. 

Adam took the phone back with raised eyebrows. “This is Adam. Yeah, I’ll keep him here, do you have the address?”

Bucky was fuming and tried to take a drink, before realizing it was empty. He growled and Adam nodded at him, even as he kept talking into the phone. Bucky was grateful when Adam poured another double. If Steve was coming to get him he could keep drinking and be fine.

He had forgotten about Nat in his anger and jumped when she touched his elbow. She also had raised eyebrows. “That was Steve?”

He glared at her. 

She raised her hands in a gesture of surrender. “Hey, I don’t judge, my friend Bruce tends to get overbearing when I stick around here for too long, but there was a lot of anger there. What’d he do?”

Bucky just took another drink. He was not in the mood to explain things. Especially since this drink had him over buzzed and headed into straight drunk. He certainly didn’t want to start going on about Steve, that never went well when he was drunk. With Steve’s stupid smile that lit up a room, or his perfectly golden hair that looked sexy even when it was all over the place. Or the way he would get competitive during games and whine until Bucky let him win. His puppy dog eyes that could get Bucky to do whatever he wanted. Add all that to his impressive physique, his pecs that could crack a walnut, and Bucky swore the man had completely bypassed six and went straight to an eight pack when he flexed. And whenever he came out of the bathroom without drying off completely, or came home from the gym, glistening, perfect. It was ridiculous, completely fucked up, yet Bucky couldn’t say anything for fear of letting on his feelings. So stupid.

Nat was grinning. “Wow, you have it bad, unrequited, that’s the worst. Damn, am I good, or am I good?” The last part was directed at Adam who chuckled. 

“The man didn’t even say anything, Nat, let off him, he’s had a bad night.”

She finished her own drink and patted his shoulder. “Oh, some things don’t need to be said, I get it, Buck, shit’s rough.”

He grunted, not in the mood to discuss it, but the whiskey was getting to him. “Who the fuck cares, not like things are gonna change, he’s just gonna keep bringing sluts over, probably gonna contract some STD, and I wouldn’t even feel sorry for the bastard, serves him right sleeping around with half of Brooklyn.”

“So this is what you do, what happened to all that talk about no one cares about my habits, huh?”

Bucky whipped around, dizziness hitting him and almost toppling him from his barstool. He grabbed the bar to keep himself from hitting the floor. Steve’s blue eyes had turned from clear crystal to stormy ocean. He grabbed Bucky and pulled him off the stool.   
  


“I’m really the bastard here? I don’t sleep with half of Brooklyn, and even if I did I consider that better than wrecking your body and wasting half a paycheck on crappy booze. Get the fuck up. How much does he owe you?”

Adam shook his head. “He settles as he drinks.”

Nat suddenly put a hand on Bucky’s shoulder, keeping Steve from pulling him out of the bar. “I’m Nat, I was chatting with Bucky here, you must be Steve.”

Steve nodded, his smile nowhere near his eyes. “Nice to meet you, I need to get a drunken asshole home, so if you’ll excuse me.”

Bucky stumbled and pulled away, forcing Steve off him. “I still have a drink, if you think I’m that much of an asshole go home and leave me alone.”

Steve clenched his jaw. “Yeah, and how are you gonna get home? You’re shitfaced, Bucky, I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately. We’re going home, get the fuck over it.”

Bucky growled, turning around he grabbed the glass off the bar and downed the rest of the whiskey. He could feel his face flush with the burn, but he didn’t care. Until he noticed Adam behind the bar. The guy could always tell when Bucky was done, and he was giving Bucky that look now. Bucky sighed. Adam gave him a smirk and nodded at the door, holding out Bucky’s credit card for him to take.

“Fine, but don’t touch me. And I am not shitfaced.” He growled at Steve. Steve raised his hands and backed off, turning toward the door, obviously expecting Bucky to follow him. 

Bucky replaced his credit card in his wallet and tossed Adam a twenty and a couple of fives. Such a good bartender, no wonder he was Bucky’s favorite.

“Bucky, now!”

Bucky kept himself from growling again, nodding to Nat. “Nice to meet you, see you tomorrow?”

She grinned. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

He knew Steve heard it, knew he was gonna get a lecture for going to the bar two nights in a row, but he didn’t care. 

Steve was silent the entire ride home, Bucky was too drunk to care about the lecture he was surely rehearsing in his head. His fuzzy brain focused instead on how he was gonna get his car before work tomorrow, judging by the silence Steve was not going to be open to offering help.

It wasn’t until they pulled back up in front of the apartment that Steve spoke. It was surprisingly gentle and made Bucky turn to mush. 

“I’m sorry, Buck, I shouldn’t have gotten so angry. But you never leave your phone, and when I realized you had I got scared. I hate it when you go to the bars, it takes days for you to be nice to me again, and tonight I needed you. I needed my friend, and I’m sorry our plans didn’t work out, but that wasn’t a reason to leave. I needed you, Patrick got all pissed off at me and you weren’t there to back me up. I felt like you deserted me.”

Bucky gulped back drunken tears, hating the way Steve could make him all mushy inside, willing to bend to his every desire. If only it was physical bending Steve wanted, Bucky would give him that in a heartbeat. Bucky shook his head to bring his mind away from those images. “You ditched me first, Steve, we were supposed to hang out, we haven’t done that in weeks, and the first chance we finally get to hang out and instead you answer a booty call. Makes me feel worthless, and I got sick of it, so yeah, I left. The only reason I didn’t have my phone is cause I couldn’t stomach having to go back in and watch someone suck your face off on the couch. It’s disgusting.” His voice was surprisingly steady, and Bucky was glad, he didn’t need Steve knowing just how drunk he really was. The world was tilting uncomfortably and Bucky just wanted to lay down. 

“Bucky, you’re gay, watching guys make out shouldn’t be gross to you.”

“Well, maybe it’s not the gay factor, you ever think of that? Maybe it’s the fact that you let these people walk all over you. The girls are okay, but the guys you pick are fucking terrible, they take advantage of you and then leave the next morning, knowing that all they have to do is call and you’ll fall on your knees for ‘em.”

Steve flushed and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like “I’m not the one who falls on my knees, thank you.” But Bucky couldn’t be sure. 

“What?”

Steve shook his head, his voice softer. “The point is, Buck, you can’t keep shitfacing yourself and smoking a hole through your lungs, I swear it’s like you have a fucking death wish. Just pull yourself together. You have to work tomorrow, but instead of being responsible you get shitfaced at two in the morning.”

Bucky lowered his head. He hated it when Steve sounded so disappointed and sad, he just wanted Steve happy, but he wanted Steve to be happy with him. It just sucked. He lost all of the fight, going limp against the door. “Okay, Stevie, I’m sorry, I just…” He didn’t finish, instead leaning his head against the window, feeling the cold glass against his forehead. When had he gotten so hot. He was hardly wearing anything, he should be freezing.

Steve grabbed the back of his neck, pulling Bucky around to look at him. The touch felt amazing to Bucky’s drunken brain, and he nearly whimpered in pleasure when Steve grabbed onto his short hair, pulling on it. 

“Let’s get you inside, Buck, just please, I need you to take care of yourself.”

With the touch, and Steve’s puppy eyes, and his tone of voice Bucky wanted nothing else than to give Steve what he wanted. So he nodded. “Okay, Stevie. Can you help me inside?”

Steve chuckled, moving his hand from the back of Bucky’s neck to his jaw. “The world’s swimmin’, huh? Why do you do this to yourself?”

Bucky just nodded. “I’m sorry, I just can’t stand it, it hurts, and this helps, at least for a little while.”

“Can’t stand what, Bucky? Me having people over? Having sex?”

Bucky just got lost in the blue eyes, suddenly so clear as the overhead light came on. 

“Bucky, you can’t make my choices for me, I promise I’m being careful. But this is something I need, it… well, it helps. I guess we both have problems, huh?”

Bucky just nodded, dropping his head onto Steve’s shoulder, breathing in deeply. He grimaced when a not Steve smell assaulted his nose. Damn people, leaving their smell all over his Steve. It was gross.

Steve patted the back of his head for a few seconds. “Alright, Buck, let’s get you to bed.”


	2. Chapter 2

I hope you guys like this chapter, it kinda took a life of its own, and it’s turning into a slower burn than I thought. I hope you guys enjoy hungover Bucky! I am trying to stick to their personalities, and I don’t know if that’s working very well, so if this seems out of character, sorry, but it’ll all come together I think.

_ Oh My God They Were Roommates _

_ Chapter 2 _

Steve grinned at Bucky as he stumbled out of his room the next morning. His hair stuck up in every direction, and he still wore the tank top he’d worn to the bar, but apparently the jeans hadn’t passed the comfy test, because sweatpants hung low on his hips. Steve admired the tattooed sleeve as Bucky cursed and used his arm to shield his eyes. 

“Why are the fucking curtains open?”

“Because it’s a beautiful day outside, and if you hadn’t decided to get plastered you’d enjoy it too.”

Bucky stumbled over and reached for the coffee pot. Steve held out a steaming mug and some pills. “Here you go, two sugars, just the way you like it.”

Bucky didn’t acknowledge Steve again until he’d swallowed the pills and downed the whole mug. He finally met Steve’s gaze.

Steve leaned back against the counter top, bracing himself on his hands. They really needed to talk about Bucky’s habits, as much as it scared Steve, he was also not always fond of having to drag his friend home. Not after the night Steve himself had had. 

After last night’s slurred conversation Steve realized that Bucky really was bothered by Steve’s sexual adventures. That’s really all they were, but Steve realized he’d never actually explained that to his roommate. 

Growing up he’d never had the chance to explore his sexuality, figure out what he liked and what he disliked. It had only been a couple months ago that he realized he wanted to know what he liked, did he have a type? Did he have a preference for positions or people, or hell, was he a bottom or a top? Steve hadn’t known, so he started experimenting. It didn’t hurt that it was also a lot of fun to meet different people. He never actually gained a relationship through his exploits, but he didn’t really feel like he needed one. He had Bucky to keep him company and that’s all he really wanted. He was just… curious. Was that such a bad thing?

It hadn’t been so far, but last night had ended differently. It hadn’t been the first night that Patrick had been an ass, hell Patrick wasn’t the only person who’d gotten angry with Steve about sex, so it wasn’t a surprise. But Patrick had been so angry and Steve couldn’t figure out what he’d done wrong, so Patrick had left. After he left Steve looked for Bucky, desperate for approval, company. But he had been gone, and his phone vibrated on the coffee table, and Steve had turned hurt into anger. He hoped Bucky would understand. 

“Steve, I’m sorry.” Bucky’s tired voice made Steve look up from the ground 

“It’s not your fault, Buck.”

Bucky just shrugged. Then suddenly he straightened. “What time is it? I was supposed to be at the garage today!”

Steve chuckled and grabbed his frantic roommate. “I called in for you, they think you have food poisoning, you can make it up later.”

Bucky relaxed and grinned up at him. Steve loved that grin, it always made him feel at home. “I thought you said you weren’t gonna take care of me today?”

Steve shoved him back gently. “Shut up before I change my mind. You’re pathetic when you’re hungover.”

Bucky stumbled slightly, but waved a dismissive hand at Steve. “If I’m so pathetic why do you care so much, huh?”

Steve could tell it was meant to be a joke, but Bucky was always a little more honest when he was hungover. Steve took advantage of it. “Because I care, Buck, because a couple months ago we had this figured out. We had you down to three drinks a week, and no cigarettes. What happened? How many drinks did you have last night? I don’t even know what triggered it again, I thought we had it kicked.”

Bucky sobered, he poured himself another cup of coffee as he answered. “I don’t know, Steve. I just go crazy sometimes and I need an outlet, and that’s what I go back to.”

Steve watched him closely, Bucky wouldn’t meet his eyes. “Come on, tell me the truth, Bucky.”

“That is the truth, I don’t know what it is. Adam’s a good bartender, things are easier when I’m there.”

“What’s easier?”

Bucky suddenly sighed and moved out of the kitchen to the living room. Steve wasn’t sure if it was an evasive maneuver or just a desire to sit on the couch. He followed him either way. 

Bucky settled into his corner, he dropped his elbows to his knees and stared down at his coffee. “Everything. It makes everything easier. I know it’s dumb, but it kills me that you let people take advantage of you. And it kills me things have changed, we don’t hang out anymore like we used to. I have to schedule hang out time, and even when I do it doesn’t mean it happens. The garage is a bitch right now, Gary has me rebuilding this classic, which is fun, but it’s not what I want to do. I went into overdraft on my account last week cause I’m an idiot. And the old lady three doors down never shuts up when I meet her in the laundry room.” He stopped listing his complaints long enough to look back up at Steve, but he dropped his eyes immediately. “You want me to keep going?”

Steve shook his head. He thought about everything Bucky had said, unpacking it in his mind. He hadn’t realized his friend was struggling, much less this much. Steve felt terrible for assuming the trips to the bar were simply to be stubborn and stupid. 

Steve decided to address what felt like the biggest concern, one that he was sure Bucky wouldn’t have brought up if he wasn’t hungover. “Bucky, I promise I’m not letting people take advantage of me. You don’t have to worry about that, I didn’t even realize that was something that was worrying you.”

Bucky shrugged. “It sure feels like they take advantage. I don’t know how to tell, much less help you if I could. It’s not the same as when we were kids, I can’t fight the bully anymore, not when you invite them over. I feel like I’m constantly in battle mode with nobody you want me to fight.”

Steve chuckled. “Well, you certainly can’t help me if you’re not here. And you’re right, I don’t need bullies fought anymore. What I do need is a friend who calls me on my bullshit, who can tell if the person I have over is gonna hurt me or not. You were there for a while that way, remember how you told me that girl, Sabrina, was a bad apple? You were right. But you don’t do that for me anymore, you just leave.”

Bucky looked up at that. “You hated me for saying that about Sabrina. It took you another week to realize I was right, and you wouldn’t talk to me for days.”

Steve flushed. “Well, I appreciate it now, and I was glad that I had a friend who cared enough to have an opinion. I feel like I lost you that way, and I don’t know what I did to push you away. What did you think about Patrick?”

“The hippie from last night?”

“He is not a hippie, Buck.”

“Well, he’s a dick with long hair and an anklet, if that’s not a hippie I don’t know what is.”

Steve laughed. “Fair enough.”

“What do you mean, what do I think about him? You care about what I think about your dates?”

Steve flushed. “Date is a strong word, I just like having adventures. And of course I care, I actually rely on your cues a lot. You used to let me know if they were a good idea or not, but lately you just ditch, and leave me on my own.”

Bucky relaxed, placing his mug on the coffee table. He motioned to Steve. “Come sit with me.” Steve dropped into the couch and Bucky moved to sit on the edge of the coffee table in front of him. 

“Steve, I don’t think anyone is good enough for you. Some of them are okay, but lately, you bring people home and I just see assholes who don’t see you for who you are. I know you’re gorgeous, believe me, I’m gay, I know my best friend is a looker, but they only see that. I see everything else about you. You’re an amazing cook, you make me coffee in the morning, you call in sick for me so I don’t have to go to work feeling like shit, you drag me home kicking and screaming when I’ve had too much to drink. They don’t see that, and it’s stupid. So yeah, I leave, cause I don’t want to make you mad, but I can’t stand to see people not appreciate you for you.”

Steve listened intently, feeling a surge of happiness that Bucky was serious, he really did care. But once Bucky stopped he smirked at him. “You think I’m gorgeous, Buck? I’m flattered.”

Bucky punched him on the shoulder. “You dick.” Bucky rubbed his head, Steve knew he had to have one hell of a headache. “I care that you’re happy, and if having these people over is doing it for you, great, but seriously, just try to find someone who appreciates you for you. Cause I might just deck the next person you sleep with who doesn’t.”

Steve chuckled but it slowly dropped. He felt a pit in his stomach grow slowly. “I almost wish you did do that. I could have used your backup last night.”

Bucky frowned, but his eyes remained dark, Steve had no idea what he was thinking. “I honestly don’t remember much from last night, Steve. Patrick wasn’t here when I got home?”

Steve chuckled. “No, because he left and then I had to drag your sorry ass home myself.”

Bucky rubbed his temples. “I guess that makes sense, I remember drinking way too much. What happened?”

Steve rubbed his palms against his thighs, suddenly nervous, not wanting to talk about it. 

“Steve, what happened? Did that asshat hurt you?”

Steve quickly shook his head, but still couldn’t meet Bucky’s gaze. “No, he didn’t hurt me, he just… got angry, I don’t even know what about, he just… well… I mean… we were… ya know.” He trailed off. No way in hell was Bucky gonna want to know that it happened in the middle of sex, but Steve didn’t know what else to say. 

“Steve, come on, we’re adults, we can talk about sex. I know that’s what he came for, tell me what happened.”

Steve flicked a smile toward Bucky. “Don’t you know how to put a person at ease.” He looked down to pick at the seam of his jeans. “He got mad at me for coming on too strong. He said that the first time he thought it was an act, but that if someone was gonna enjoy being with me that I needed to stop coming on so strong. I don’t even know what that means… I don’t mean to come on too strong, other people haven’t had an issue with me, for some reason he did. But he enjoyed it last time, at least I thought he did.”

Steve finally found the courage to look up when Bucky didn’t respond after a few minutes. Steve was surprised to find both anger and humor warring in his eyes. 

“What? What did I do wrong?”

“Nothing, Steve, absolutely nothing, and I will track down Patrick and I will kill him. But I think I know what he means.”

It was Bucky’s turn to be a little unsure, Steve was surprised by the sudden insecurity in his eyes. “Okay, I think I know he means, but this might be a little awkward. Do you want to know or would you rather me just kill him and leave it at that?”

Steve laughed. “Bucky, we’ve talked about sex before, I’m not awkward, I just don’t know. Some days I feel like I finally have this bisexual thing down, and other days I don’t even know what I’m doing.” 

Bucky nodded, and Steve couldn’t read his thoughts again. “Okay, do you want me to explain?”

“Yes, I don’t even know how you understand what he meant when I was in the bedroom with him and I don’t understand.”

Bucky finally laughed, shifting his weight, leaning back on the coffee table. “I am pretty sure he’s referencing your sexual personality. It took me a while to figure out mine, and it’s not unusual to not know what you are until you’ve experimented a little. I’m a submissive, so when someone ‘comes on too strong’ it’s fun for me. That’s actually how I would phrase it, I like it when people come on too strong. But if you're a dominant then it’s not fun, it’s condescending, it’s a turn off. So if a dominant is trying to seduce a dominant it can feel like they’re coming on too strong, and it just isn’t fun. If you’re a dominant you want to have the control, and seeing the other person obey or whatever, that’s what turns you on. A dominant  _ can _ seduce a dominant, and a submissive  _ can _ seduce a submissive, but it has to be done differently.”

“So you’re saying I’m dominant? How do you know?”

Bucky shrugged. “I experimented to figure myself out, but there’s a pretty easy way to figure it out, if you want to try? I heard a guy at the garage talking about it.”

Steve looked Bucky up and down, he seemed sincere. “You’re not gonna make me have sex with you to figure it out, are you?”

Bucky chuckled, and Steve finally saw that little glint of shimmer in the grey eyes. “No, Steve, you don’t have to have sex to figure it out, at least not this way.”

“Okay, then how do you do it?”

Bucky stood up, shaking out his shoulders. Again Steve wondered if Bucky’s hangover was affecting his actions, making him more open to ideas and less sure of himself. “Okay, imagine that I’m whoever, someone you find attractive, you invite me over, we make out on the couch and then we move to the bedroom.”

Steve frowned a little, nervous flutters in his stomach suddenly. “Okay, got it.”

Bucky glanced down at him. “Are you sure you’re comfortable with this?”

“Bucky, I have no idea what you’re doing! But I trust you, so sure, whatever.” Steve pushed himself up on the couch a little, but stopped when Bucky’s hand suddenly rested on his chest, pushing him back. 

“Okay, so if I, or whoever, were to do this in bed, shove you back like this.” Suddenly Bucky’s hand went from his chest to the back of his neck, pulling his face up to meet Bucky’s. Their eyes met, steel grey on ocean blue. Steve waited for the next part. “If I told you that I was gonna fuck you mercilessly and you were gonna beg for it, just like this, and I wasn’t gonna let you fuck me, and I wasn’t gonna fuck you till you begged for it.” Bucky’s eyes were intense, drilling holes into his skull, Steve’s chest caught a little at how close they were, but he didn’t know what kind of reaction Bucky was waiting for. “What would you do?”

Steve frowned. “I’m not really into the begging thing… Never have been, but I mean, I could try, the fucking mercilessly part sounds fun.” Honesty seemed like the best policy here, and Steve still didn’t know where Bucky was going. 

“Okay,” Bucky suddenly released him and sat back down on the coffee table. “Do it to me now, the exact same thing I just did.”

“Including telling you I’m gonna fuck you merciless?”

Bucky’s eyes flicked away and then back up. “Yeah, the whole thing.”

Steve was a little awkward as he stood, but Bucky seemed to know what he was doing. But Bucky wasn’t really in a position where Steve could push him down, and that had been what Bucky did to him. Steve knew he surprised Bucky when he suddenly grabbed his arms, moving him to the couch. Bucky chuckled. “Okay, I gotcha, go ahead, shove me back, see what happens. What reaction do you have?”

Steve took a deep breath, then reached down and placed a hand on Bucky’s chest, he didn’t want to hurt his friend, but Bucky had said to do it. He shoved him back gently, till his head hit the couch. But it made him look down, Steve realized he wanted to see Bucky’s eyes again. He reached behind Bucky’s head like Bucky had done, pulling his face up till their eyes met. He almost stopped when he realized Bucky’s eyes had widened, his pupils were dilated (had he ever noticed Bucky’s eyes dilate before? Man they were really close to each other). Steve tried to remember what Bucky said. 

“I’m gonna fuck you merciless, and you’re gonna beg for it. And I’m not gonna let you fuck me, and I’m not gonna fuck you till you beg me for it.” Steve didn’t even make it all the way through the simple phrases before he felt his own breath quicken. His conviction had been meh, but the reaction was almost instant. He felt the control wash over him, and suddenly he realized that he had said almost those words during sex before, he liked being the one in control. He repeated the words, a little differently, but stronger this time. “I’m gonna fuck you till you can’t see straight, but you have to beg, want it, beg for me.” He was leaning in a little further, he could feel Bucky’s breath on his cheek, could see the grey crystals in his irises. He was getting hard, his groin was hot against his waistband, and he’d only said four sentences. It was a completely unexpected reaction and he quickly dropped his hand and stepped back, his hand on his stomach, and he took a couple of deep breaths.

It took him a moment to look back at Bucky and realize Bucky was also having some kind of reaction to what he’d done. Bucky held his head in his hands and his breathing was irregular and faster than usual.    
  


“Are you okay, Buck? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that, I don’t know what that was.” Steve was still trying to get his own breath back, but Bucky held up his hand. 

“I’m okay, Steve, sorry, that was just… sorry.” 

“What was it? Did I do it wrong?”

Bucky laughed, a little unsteadily, as he stood. He rolled his head and shook his arms out, Steve didn’t know what that meant. 

“No, Steve, you did that completely right. God, that was just a little more than I bargained for, sorry.”

“What’s wrong? What does that mean?”

“It means you’re a dominant, Steve, you like to have control in the bedroom. And I’m willing to bet Patrick is also a dominant. That’s why he thought you were coming on too strong.”

Steve watched his best friend closely, something was still wrong, he wouldn’t meet Steve’s eyes. “What’s wrong?”

Bucky laughed again and finally looked up at him. “Nothing, I’m fine, it’s just… I’m a submissive, Steve, and that… that was intense. I didn’t realize how intense that would be for me, sorry, that probably makes it awkward.” 

Steve was still confused. “What do you mean? Why was that awkward?”

Bucky laughing suddenly came over to him and laid his head on Steve’s chest. Steve automatically brought his arms up, giving him a hug. 

“Cause I haven’t had someone do that to me in a long time, and that is the easiest way in the world to turn on a submissive, I also tend to be sensitive, so it might not work for all of them, but me…” Bucky trailed off against his chest.

Steve finally nodded, suddenly feeling stupid for not understanding. “Oh God, Bucky, sorry, I didn’t mean to turn you on. I just did what you told me to do.”

Bucky laughed, fully this time, his eyes bright. He pushed away from Steve and punched his arm lightly. “I know you didn’t, I honestly didn’t even think about my reaction, I just kind of went for it. Honestly, if I’d gotten laid anytime in the past month it probably wouldn’t have turned me on as much, I don’t normally react quite that quick.” 

Steve nodded, wanted to keep figuring it out, but he was surprised that Bucky hadn’t gotten laid lately. They had stopped talking about stuff like that a while ago, and Steve hadn’t even noticed that Bucky wasn’t bringing people home anymore, their roles had completely reversed, Bucky was normally the one who brought people home, not him. “Why haven’t you?”

Bucky sat back down on the couch, grabbing his coffee. “Haven’t what?”

“Gotten laid?”

Steve regretted asking as Bucky suddenly choked on his coffee. It was several seconds before his airways cleared enough to respond. “Wow, Steve, direct and to the point.” He wiped his mouth again and then shook his head. “I don’t know, nobody really catches my eye right now, just riding things out.”

Steve noticed that Bucky carefully avoided his gaze while he spoke. He wanted to push his friend, get a better answer, but realized a flush was slowly creeping up his friend’s neck. He dropped the subject in favor of something else. “Would you really kill Patrick for me if I asked you to?”

Bucky looked up, was he relieved that he’d changed the subject? “You know I would, pal, in half a heartbeat. Honestly, probably would even if you didn’t ask, isn’t that what friends are for?” 

Steve laughed and joined Bucky on the couch, grabbing the remote as he sat down. “You’ve always been the best friend a guy could ask for.” 

Bucky patted his knee with one hand. “Anytime, pal.”

“How’s your head feeling?” 

Bucky winced, his hand going to his temple. “Still waiting for the meds to kick in.”

“Serves you right, asshat.”

Bucky’s punch was a little harder that time, but he didn’t reply, just kicked his feet up on the coffee table and rested against the back of the couch. Steve didn’t realize he’d fallen back asleep until Bucky’s head hit his shoulder. 


	3. Chapter 3

_ Oh My God They Were Roommates _

_ Chapter 3 _

Bucky woke with a start when Steve dropped his gym bag on the ground next to the couch. He jerked up, throwing out a hand to keep himself from falling to the ground.

Steve laughed at him. “Welcome back to the land of the living, sleeping beauty.” 

Bucky glared at him, then winced, his hand going to his forehead. 

“Still a headache? You’ve been asleep for hours.”

“What time is it? My head is pounding, and my mouth is like sawdust.”

“That’s understandable, all you’ve had is coffee today. You woke up, drank some coffee and downed some Advil, we talked for a bit, and then we watched a couple episodes of Shield. You fell asleep again pretty quick. It’s just past six.”

Bucky pushed the memories of their talk out of his mind and squinted at him for the first time. “Damn, don’t you look good. How long was the gym session this time?” Bucky’s headache was bad enough that he couldn’t quite see well enough with the light through the window, but he could see the sheen of sweat still on Steve’s arms, and across his forehead. The thin under armour t-shirt clung to his abs and pecs. It was a sight Bucky never got tired of. 

Steve stuck his tongue out at him. “Just because you do the heavy lifting at your day job doesn’t mean I have to do that. I actually work for my body.”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “Right, I forgot, the printing press doesn’t exactly take that much effort.”

Steve glared at him. “If you didn’t look so pathetic right now I’d kick you. I love my job, same as you do. I just like my body more.”

Bucky looked down. “I’m not pathetic, I’m just hungover.”

“I’m pretty sure those are synonymous with you.” 

“Shut up! Go shower, you smell.” Bucky threw a pillow and it missed completely.

Steve chuckled and headed toward the bathroom. “Get up, sleepy, I’m pretty sure you have a date at the bar tonight.” 

Bucky groaned and fell back onto the couch. “It’s not a date, that was literally just to piss you off.”

“I know! Doesn’t mean she’s not gonna be there, though.” 

Bucky groaned, then groaned again as he remembered that morning fully. Wow, he had been way too loose, and judging by the fact that his headache was worse than it had been, he had probably still been a little drunk. Had he really done all that? He saw his cold coffee mug on the coffee table. He groaned again. He was really stupid, why did he keep doing stupid things to himself?

“Advil’s on the counter. Quit groaning.” Steve’s voice echoed from the bathroom and Bucky threw up a hand to flip off the bathroom door. 

He stood up slowly, making sure the world wasn’t going to float around him again. He definitely needed a lot of Advil. He slowly made his way to the kitchen, closing the blinds on his way. He had downed two bottles of water and four Advil tablets by the time Steve had finished in the shower. 

“You up for some games before the bar, or the hangover a bit too much?”

Bucky squinted at the vision in the doorway of the kitchen. Steve was glistening again, the towel around his waist, water slowly dripping down his muscles, following the dips and bulges. 

Bucky focused on being surprised. “You’re letting me go back to the bar? You hate it when I go two nights in a row. Plus, don’t you have company tonight?”

Steve frowned at him. “I don’t hate anything about you or your habits, they are stupid, but I can’t control them. Besides, your car is still there, and there is no way we’re lucky enough that it won’t get towed if we leave it there much longer. And no, I don’t have company, as you put it. I figured my buddy needs me a little more than anyone else at the moment. I don’t know how much you remember, but I realized this morning that I’ve been neglecting you lately, and I could use some wholesome fun.”

Bucky grimaced. “I’d rather not think about this morning… Or last night, or anything. It all hurts my head, and it’s all super awkward, and it all should not have happened.”

Steve threw him a grin. “It wasn’t awkward. I did totally take advantage of your hangover though, you’re way more honest when you’re hungover, it’s a lot easier to get you to talk.”

Bucky rolled his eyes and pushed past the taller man. “You didn’t use all the hot water, did you?”

Steve grabbed his arm and pulled him back around. “Hey, I’m serious. It wasn’t awkward, I appreciate you caring for me like that, and I hope you keep doing it. You help me more than you know.”

“No longer drunk, or dreadfully hungover, so I’m not getting touchy feely again. Save it, Rogers. I need a shower, and then I’m going to go to a dark bar, sit around with a glass of whiskey, and talk to a very beautiful woman, who has just the right amount of sass to keep me entertained. Because I don’t do touchy feely, I do hazy, and very, very drunk.”

Steve hit him in the back of the head with a pillow before he got all the way to the hallway. “You’re playing games with me before the bar! That’s not optional! And you’re not getting drunk either, one drink! That’s all you get!”

Bucky flipped him off again without turning around, pleased that this time Steve saw it.

But Steve was nothing if not stubborn, and when Bucky had finished getting dressed after the shower Scrabble was set up on the coffee table. Bucky groaned.

“Scrabble? Come on, you always win, let’s just say you win, call it good, and go to the bar.”

Steve frowned, sticking his lower lip out in a pout and looked up at Bucky through his pleading eyes. 

“No, not the puppy dog eyes, come on, Steve, act mature for once.”

His bottom lip went out a little bit farther. Bucky suddenly wondered what it would be like to hold that lip between his teeth and suck. Shit, that was not what he needed tonight. 

“Fine! But quit with the face. Always with the face.”

“It gets me what I want, so can you blame me?”

“I can deck you if you’d like.” 

“Shut up and play, smartass.” 

The game moved fast, Steve had forced Bucky to play the game so often growing up that he wasn’t actually terrible at it, but Steve still won by a landslide. 

“Can I please go get drunk now?”

“No, we can go get a drink.  _ A _ drink, one.”

Bucky ignored him and grabbed his leather jacket off the kitchen counter. “Come on, old man, give me a ride, and then you can go wherever your heart desires. I’ll find my way home.”

“Why do you want to get drunk again anyway? One hangover this weekend wasn’t bad enough?” Steve grabbed his own jacket off the barstool and followed Bucky out the door. “And no, I’m going to the bar with you, you need a chaperone apparently.” 

Bucky stopped in his tracks. “No way, you are not going in there with me. You either ruin the mood because you’re a lightweight who can’t hold his liquor, or you ruin the mood by flirting with everyone within a ten foot radius, no way in hell. You’re not ruining my night. You ruined it last night, you get one ruined night a week.” 

Steve laughed at him. “Oh, come on, don’t be dramatic, I’m not that much of a lightweight.”

_ IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII _

“Wow, Bucky, you could have said the man was a lightweight.”

Bucky glared at the tall blonde who was currently leaning against the wall next to a cute brunette. He was leaning one arm against the wall while he chatted the girl up, and to the untrained eye it looked like a casual position. But Bucky and Nat could see the way he leaned his whole weight into it, clearly needing the balance. Bucky wondered if his speech was slurring yet.

“I told him not to come, he’s only had two beers!”

“At least he’s cute, you picked a good one. Though, not gonna lie, after watching you throw back last night, I kinda expected your buddy to be able to keep up.” 

Bucky shook his head, his eyes now on his whiskey. With Steve already unfocused and loose he had managed to get Adam to sneak him a beer and two whiskeys. But he knew if he was gonna get Steve home he’d have to stop at that. He was in the relaxed open point of drunk, and he knew buzzed and dizzy was coming if he got another drink. And then both him and Steve wouldn’t be able to drive.

“Such a pathetic lightweight. Two beers. Damn.” Clint spoke up from the corner next to Nat, he was the only guy still around, Thor and Loki, brothers if Bucky remembered correctly, had already headed home. Bucky had enjoyed meeting Nat’s friends, but it was far more comfortable with just the three of them. Steve had started to flirt with Loki within a few minutes of his first beer and Bucky had had to keep apologizing. 

Clint shook his head and finished his fourth beer. “I mean, I kinda get it, but he’s so big, you’d expect him to be able to take it a little better than this.”

Bucky shook his head. “Nah, his heart condition took a lot out of him, he might have the body back, but he’s still got some struggles with asthma and stuff. All of it combined puts a lot of strain on his gorgeous ass.” 

Nat giggled. “It is pretty gorgeous.” 

Bucky smirked at her, then quickly dropped the subject as Steve came stumbling back over to the table. He slid in next to Bucky with a frown. 

“What happened? No luck with the ladies tonight?” 

Steve reached for Bucky’s beer, and Bucky quickly slapped his hand and moved the bottle further away. “No, and I blame you.”

Bucky elbowed his friend in the ribs. “Blame me? I’ve been sitting here all night!”

“Apparently she was here last night and saw me drag you out. She thinks we’re a couple. I’m doomed, I’m never gonna get laid again.”

Bucky smirked. “Hey, I didn’t ask for the rescue last night, blame yourself. And don’t worry, you’ll find somebody, you dramatic asshat.”

“I’m not dramatic.”

“No, you’re drunk, which makes you overly dramatic. Seriously, and you were the one warning me away from the liquor.”

Steve crossed his arms on the table and laid his head down, angling his face toward Bucky. “I was worried about you, you get all distant and stupid when you get drunk consistently. I haven’t been drunk in forever. I forgot how it feels.” He danced his fingers up Bucky’s tattoo as he slurred the last part out. 

Bucky sighed. “Okay, we’re done. You’re done, I can’t believe you.” 

“Don’t be mad, Buck, I’m sorry, I just like beer, and that girl was hot. And Loki, damn, I’d hit that.” 

Nat giggled again as she watched Bucky try to keep Steve from pushing his sleeve up, Steve’s fingers still tracing the tattoo. 

“I’m not mad, Steve. Okay, maybe a little, but just- knock it off!” Bucky batted at Steve’s fingers and Steve glared at him from where his head still rested on the table. 

“See, you’re mad. I tried, Buck, I really did, I wanted to spend time with you, and instead I mess it up. I just want to be your friend.” 

Bucky rolled his eyes. “Okay, you’re really done, drama queen, we’re done for the night.” Bucky caught Nat’s giggle and glared at her. He was quickly distracted by Steve’s fingers on his arm again. “Stop it, Steve, and you are my friend, and you always will be. ‘Till the end of the line, remember?”

Steve smiled, kind of absent-mindedly. “Yeah, Buck, end of the line.” 

Bucky sighed and pulled on his jacket that he’d put on the back of their booth. He held Steve’s out to him. “Come on, Steve, it’s cold outside, put on your jacket.”

“Aww, daddy Bucky.” Clint teased.

Bucky laughed. “Sometimes it feels like that. You guys drove together, right?”

Nat nodded. “Need help gettin’ gorgeous home? You have two cars here right?”

“Yup, the plan was to not get drunk so we could both drive home.”

Steve was suddenly staring at Nat. “You think I’m gorgeous? Do you want to sleep with me? We can head back to my place.” He tried to wink, but only managed some kind of facial spasm. 

Clint laughed and slapped Nat’s arm. “Yeah, Nat, you could head back to his place, nurse him back to health.”

Nat grinned and rolled her eyes as Bucky slapped Steve on the back of the head. “Steve! Quit it, put on your jacket. Nat does not need you being a douchebag, pull yourself together.”

Steve looked appropriately contrite as he pulled on his jacket, Bucky had to help him with the second sleeve. Clint watched them, shaking his head. He tossed back his last bit of rum and chuckled. “Seriously, how are you friends? He’s such a lightweight, and you’re over here with two whiskeys and not even an unsteady hand.”

Bucky shook his head, watching the blonde zip up his jacket with a fond smile. “I don’t know, drinking wasn’t our bonding ritual. It’s hilarious though, keeps me entertained.”

Nat and Bucky threw back the last of their own drinks as they all got up from the table. Bucky held Steve by both of his shoulders, pushing him toward the door. Bucky automatically moved them both toward his mustang, but Steve suddenly stopped.

“But, what about my car?”

“Nat’s driving your car, we need to get it home and her and Clint drove together. They’re gonna follow us to our place and then head home after they drop off the car.”

It took a few minutes for the intoxicated blonde to process the plan, then he nodded. “But I’m riding with you?”

“Do you not want to?”

“No, no, yeah, that’s good. You are good.”

Bucky chuckled. “Okay, into the car, big guy.” He helped Steve drop into the passenger seat, then reached across him with the seat belt, making sure he heard the click before he reached into the pocket of the blonde’s jacket. He had to search a couple different pockets before he found Steve’s keys, and it took longer because Steve was focused on touching Bucky’s face, trying to get him to look at him. 

“Steve, quit it, sit still, oh my god.” Steve instantly went still with a little frown on his lips and Bucky felt bad. “You’re not in trouble, Steve, just sit still. I’ll be right back.”

He shut the door firmly, and tossed the keys to Nat. “You need the address, or you just want to follow?”

“I’ll follow you. Captain gorgeous okay?”

“He’s just a handful when he’s drunk. Which is why I avoid getting him drunk, he’s just stubborn and handsy.” 

Clint grinned and walked to his own car. “Hey, love ‘em or leave ‘em, right?”

Bucky smiled, nodding at Clint as he watched Steve through the windshield. He had gotten distracted by the dice hanging from Bucky’s rearview mirror. “Steve, don’t touch those. Those are my Han Solo dice, you don’t touch them, you look at them.”

Nat suddenly laughed. “You have Han Solo dice? Like from the movie? Aw, you’re such a nerd.”

Bucky shook his head. “Whatever, get in the car, try not to mess too much with the seat settings, he gets pissed if he can’t get them back in the right spot.”

“Long legs, I get it. I’ll follow you.” 

Bucky got in and reached over to grab Steve’s hand as he started the car. “Stop touching things, just sit, we’ll be home soon.”

The ride was actually okay, far better than a few other rides Bucky had taken with a drunk Steve. He seemed content to just hold Bucky’s hand and trace the lines and veins on his hand and wrist. Bucky felt his skin tingle with the barely-there pressure, but if it kept Steve still there was no way he was pulling his hand away. 

By the time they pulled back up to their apartment Steve was talking again. 

“Bucky, would you ever leave me?”

Bucky took the keys out of the ignition and turned toward his friend. “No, Steve, I would never leave you, you’re my friend, I care about you.”

Steve frowned, still holding onto Bucky’s wrist. “But you get mad.”

“I get mad because you’re stubborn and dramatic, you’re also drunk, and you don’t have a filter when you’re drunk.”   
  


When Steve didn’t seem to have a reply for that Bucky slipped his hand out of Steve’s grasp and got out. Nat climbed out of Steve’s car and tossed the keys over. 

“Thanks, Nat, I owe you one, and Clint too.” 

Clint pulled up behind Bucky’s car, and Nat climbed in. Clint rolled down his window. “Hey, so anytime you need to get away from Captain perfection you let us know. We all like entertainment every now and again.”

Bucky grinned and nodded. “I’ll keep in touch, I got Nat’s number and I think Steve got Loki’s, so we’ll be around.”

Clint shook his head. “Loki, that is not something I thought would happen, I mean, I don’t even know if Loki swings that way.” 

“Let’s all hope he doesn’t, that’s the last thing I need, Steve’s a handful enough without someone named after the god of mischief.”

“Wow, you really are a nerd!” Nat smiled at him fondly and he stuck his tongue out at her. “Hey, I think it’s cute, and you’re totally right. Their mom had to have been high when she picked their names.” 

Clint shrugged. “Knowing their mom, she probably was.”

Bucky laughed and waved. “Get home, I gotta get this guy up three flights of stairs somehow.”

They waved and rolled off. Bucky turned back to the car, Steve was messing with the knobs and dials of the radio, Bucky could hear him singing, slightly off key, but it was still cute. The radio wasn’t even on.

He opened Steve’s door and reached in. “Alright, Stevie, come on, out you get.”

“Bucky.” Steve rested his head on Bucky’s neck and swayed a little while Bucky closed the door and locked the car. “How are you not dizzy? You drank more than I did, and I’m really dizzy, like way dizzy, I feel like the world is falling.” 

“I know, Buck, but once we get inside you can drink some water, and go to sleep, you’ll feel better in the morning. Well, maybe, we’ll get some water in you and hope that helps with the hangover.”

He got his arm all the way around Steve’s slim waist and took a lot of Steve’s weight into his arms, keeping the taller man from swaying and pulling them both to the ground. Natasha had called Steve a dorito at some point during their night, Bucky had agreed then, but now with his arm around the man’s waist he agreed even more. He had a perfect v-shaped torso. 

It took a lot of stumbling and a lot of cussing on Bucky’s part, but they finally made it up to their third floor apartment. “Steve, just stop grabbing my shoulder, you’re gonna make us both fall down.”

“The floor is really far away, Bucky, don’t fall down, I don’t think I can catch you that fast.”

“You’re the one who’s gonna make us fall, just stand there. Hold the railing while I unlock the door.”

Bucky barely got the door open before Steve leaned into him again. “I like it when you hold me up, Bucky, you’re really warm.”   
  


“Thanks, I guess. Here, sit on the couch, I’m gonna get you some water.”

Steve dropped onto the couch, one arm over the back of the couch holding him in place. He sprawled out and snuggled his head into the cushions. Bucky grabbed a water bottle for each of them, downing his on the way out. He unscrewed Steve’s and held it out to him. “Drink this, you’ll feel better.”

“All of it?”

“Yes, all of it, I promise it’ll help.”

Steve looked at it uncertainly and then took it. Bucky was impressed when he only spilled a little, his awkward angle on the couch not helping. “Sit up and you won’t spill as much.”

Steve grumbled but sat up, swaying as he drained the rest of it quickly. “Hmm, you were right, that does feel better.”

“Do you need to go to the bathroom before you go to bed?”

Steve frowned at him. “I’m not a baby, stop being a jerk.”

Bucky held up his hands in surrender. “Hey, I was just asking.”

Steve held out his empty bottle and Bucky tossed it into the trash can beside the couch. 

“Sit with me?”

“I’m tired, Steve, and I know you are too. Why don’t we go to bed?”   
  


“Please?”

Bucky sighed and nodded. He could feel his eyes getting heavy, his body finally starting to shut down. But he dropped onto the couch behind Steve. Steve instantly laid his head in Bucky’s lap. Bucky had forgotten this part of drunk Steve. He was always clingy, but sometimes he also got snuggly. Bucky always loved it, because it meant he could be affectionate without raising suspicion. Plus, Steve was normally so drunk he couldn’t remember it the next day anyway.

Bucky gathered Steve into his arms, helping him pull off his jacket so he could get comfortable. He pulled the long legs across his lap and wrapped his arms around Steve’s waist. Steve hummed happily and snuggled his head into Bucky’s neck. Bucky grinned at him. He reached one hand up to run his fingers through Steve’s hair. Steve hummed again and wrapped his arm around Bucky’s waist, getting comfortable. 

He seemed content to just sit there in Bucky’s arms and Bucky didn’t move until his phone vibrated in his jacket pocket. Without disrupting Steve Bucky pulled it out with his free hand. He glanced at the younger man’s face, he looked like he was mostly asleep. 

It was a text message from Nat. 

_ Natasha: 12:14 AM _

_ Home safe, how’s captain handsome? If he’s sleeping I want pictures! _

Bucky grinned, it wouldn’t be the first picture he had on his phone of drunk Steve sleeping, what could it hurt?

He shifted slightly, so his head angled just over Steve’s, and both their faces were visible, Steve’s eyes still closed. Bucky grinned at the camera and snapped a couple photos. He squeezed Steve lightly, lowering his nose into the blonde hair, taking a deep breath. 

Boy, was he in big trouble. The man was intoxicating, addictive. 

He pulled away from Steve, but kept his head resting gently on the blonde hair. He typed with his one hand, including the picture and sent it off. 

_ Me: 12:16 AM _

_ Image _

_ He’s obnoxious, but he’s pretty damn cute too. _

_ Natasha: 12:17 AM _

_ Aww! You guys! So cute! _

He grinned at the immediate response. 

_ Me: 12:18 AM _

_ I’m not gonna lie, he doesn’t snuggle unless he’s drunk. It’s kinda nice ;)  _

_ Natasha: 12:20 AM  _

_ Haha, I’m not surprised, he doesn’t seem like the clingy type. _

_ Me: 12:23 AM _

_ No, he’s not. But he’s heavy. _

Bucky continued to stroke Steve’s hair as he waited for her reply. He didn’t wait long.

_ Natasha: 12:26 AM _

_ Oh, I bet! All legs and muscles, that’s what he is. Anyway, headed to bed, ttyl! _

Bucky smiled and tossed the phone on the floor. He felt his eyes drooping, but didn’t want to get up, Steve never snuggled, it felt so nice. Before he knew it his body relaxed against the couch and into Steve. His eyes drifted shut as he pulled Steve tighter into him, and he slipped into sleep. 

_ IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII _

Bucky woke with a start, his arms still holding onto Steve tightly. He glanced at the clock on the dvd player, it was almost six in the morning. He rubbed his free hand into his eyes, clearing out the sleep. 

Shit, he wasn’t supposed to fall asleep. He quickly shifted until his legs were no longer pinned under Steve, he rubbed them until the tingling stopped, then stood up.

He went into Steve’s room, grabbing his pillow and quilt off his bed, then quietly approached the couch again and draped the blanket over Steve’s body. He had stretched out on the couch, one hand in his hair, the other curling around his own waist. Bucky smiled at him, admiring how calm his face was, how relaxed the man looked. He slipped the pillow under his head and, without thinking, dropped a kiss onto Steve’s temple. 

He winced and pulled back, making sure Steve was definitely still asleep. When the man on the couch didn’t stir he backed away slowly, feeling his face flush red. He went into the bathroom and threw cold water on his face, hoping to dispel the heat. Finally he went into his own bedroom, and without even taking off his jacket dropped into his bed and drifted off again. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this doesn’t feel choppy, they’re assholes, but they’re friends, I’m trying to get all of that across. Let me know how I’m doing. I’m not as sure about how this chapter turned out, but I needed a filler chapter before the next one. 

_ Oh My God They Were Roommates _

_ Chapter Four _

Steve got home from the printing office a little earlier than usual, he enjoyed his job as junior editor, but it was always nice to leave that behind for the day. He wasn’t surprised when the apartment was empty. He checked Bucky’s bedroom just in case, but figured he wouldn’t be home from the auto shop for a while. He dropped his bag at the couch and messed around for a bit, avoiding his homework, but not having anything else to do. 

He wasn’t in full time school, unfortunately they couldn’t afford that and all of their other bills, but Bucky had managed to find a small art school where they could pay per credit, so anytime they had some money Steve would clear it with Bucky and sign up for a class. Right now he was in digital art, it was online and that made it nice, but it wasn’t turning out the way Steve wanted. He was constantly drawing, and he missed those classes because it basically just made him focus his drawing instead of randomly sketching things. He had a notebook full of their apartment, all different angles, some in color, some in charcoal, some in regular pencil. He had another notebook dedicated to his roommate, Bucky lounging on the couch, Bucky leaning over a car engine, smoking on their balcony, cooking in the kitchen, dancing to the radio. He never had the guts to tell Bucky, but Bucky was his muse, his inspiration, when he didn’t know what to draw, he drew Bucky and eventually he would be able to work on other things that needed his attention. 

Steve pulled out his laptop to try to focus on his digital art project. He was supposed to be taking small pictures and compiling them to create a larger picture, which meant he had to pay attention to background color and pick his small frames carefully. They couldn’t have more than one color theme, otherwise it would look funny. It was due in about two weeks, but Steve hadn’t found much time to focus on it. And today was no different, he couldn’t get his thoughts to focus, nothing was fitting right. 

He glared at the clock. Only four o’clock. Bucky wouldn’t be home for hours. Well, if his muse wasn’t home, he could go to his muse. He packed his backpack with his sketching essentials, putting his laptop in there too, just in case. 

He pulled up to the auto shop a little later, suddenly nervous. It had been a while since he’d showed up like this, and he could never tell if Bucky liked the visits. He almost got back in his car and went home, but one of the younger mechanics caught sight of him. 

“Hey, Steve, how’s it going?” 

He groaned and swung his backpack over his shoulder. “Not bad, Peter, how’s life?”

“Not bad, we’ve been busy lately. Did you need anything?”

“I was wondering if Bucky was still around?”

Peter nodded, turning to go back to the pickup truck that was raised off the ground. “Yeah, Peirce has him working on one of the cars out back, he’s been cussin’ up a storm all day, head that way and you can’t miss him.”

Steve grinned and nodded. He used the employee exit around back to slip out of the busy garage, glad when all the sound was muffled when the door closed. Sure enough, now that it was quieter he could hear the distinct sound of Bucky cursing. Steve followed the sound, finally catching sight of him under an old dusty black sedan. There was a crunch of metal against metal and more cursing. An old tarp was laid out on the drivers side of the old car, an array of tools and parts spread out. 

Bucky apparently saw him approach from under the car. He groaned audibly. “I’m making headway, I promise, but these parts are all frozen together. I can’t hardly get anything separated except for some stupid bolts that just broke off. Can you hand me the nine sixteenth wrench? Maybe that’ll do the trick.”

Steve looked over the tools, he had helped Bucky out a little, but was still mostly unfamiliar with a lot of the tools. He saw one that had the nine sixteenth etched into it, hoping that was the one Bucky needed he walked over to the car and held it underneath the edge of it. 

“What the hell? That’s not a wrench!” Bucky finally slid out from under the car, glaring. His expression softened when he caught sight of Steve. “Oh, Steve, I didn’t realize that was you.”

Steve chuckled. “I had wondered if you did.” He tossed the not wrench back onto the tarp. “Peter said you were back here, hope you don’t mind the drop in.”   
  


Bucky smiled and scooted over to the tarp, rolling on the board underneath him. Steve thought he’d heard Bucky call it a creeper, but Steve thought it looked more like a skateboard. Bucky brushed a hand across his sweaty forehead, his blue mechanic jumpsuit stained with sweat too.

“No, I never mind when you come visit, I’m just struggling with this stupid engine right now, so I’m not in the best mood.” He selected a different tool from the tarp and dropped back onto the board, pulling himself back under the car. 

“What’s wrong with it?”

There was more clanging and Bucky answered over the noise. “It’s been out in the weather for decades, so all the parts have frozen together. It would be easier to just pull the engine and scrap it all, but Peirce, the owner of the shop, he’s never worked under a hood a day in his life, he wants all the parts separated so he can rebuild what he can and toss as little as possible.”

Steve nodded. “Why don’t you pull the engine out of the car? Don’t you guys have that lifting thing in the garage?”

Bucky cursed again, coughing. “Wouldn’t that be nice. But Peirce says I need the experience, apparently this is a project he gives all the guys who want promotions. I’ve got to finish this the old fashioned way in order to move up to lead mechanic.” 

Steve moved over to look under the hood that sat open. It was definitely dusty, and there was a lot of rust and build up. “That’s awesome, Buck, I didn’t realize that you were getting that good, lead mechanic sounds great.”   
  


Bucky’s voice was strained as he replied. “Well, it comes with a hell of a pay raise. But apparently I’m not as great as I thought, I can’t seem to make any headway.” There was a clang and more cursing. “Shit!” Bucky slid back out from under the car, muttering under his breath. He tossed the tool back onto the tarp and held his hand against his chest. 

“You okay?” Steve moved over to check on his friend. 

Bucky nodded. “It’ll stop throbbing in a minute. I’ll just take a break for now, I’m so frustrated it’s probably not helping.”

Steve held out his hand and Bucky took it, pulling himself to his feet. “I just don’t understand why he’d pick the hardest fucking engine in the yard for me to do. I’ve rebuilt engines plenty, but this one is so stuck it’d be easier and faster to junk the whole thing.”   
  


Steve chuckled. “That would defy the point of the test.” 

Bucky stared at Steve for a second until he cracked a smile and chuckled. “Yeah, you’re right, I just feel like I’m wasting my time.” He moved over to the hood, resting his hands on the edge and leaning over. There was obvious discoloring from the growing bruise on his left hand. 

Steve couldn’t help himself, and he stepped back, whipping out his phone. He snapped a quick picture of his friend, checking it to make sure it wasn’t fuzzy. He added it quickly to his album of things to sketch before he caught sight of Bucky glaring at him. 

“Seriously? I’m pouring all my frustrations out at you and you’re taking pictures? Is that all you wanted? Or are you actually listening to me?”

Steve smiled and punched his friend's arm. “You know I always listen to you. It looks like the engine just needs a really solid cleaning before pulling things apart, have you tried that? I also came out here for some inspiration though, I need to work on my project, but I’m stuck, I can’t focus. And you make a striking figure.”

Bucky chuckled, shaking his head as he stared at the engine. “I’ve already tried cleaning it, you think it’s bad now you should have seen it before I started on it.” He rubbed one hand over his eyes, leaving a streak of dirt. “You had better focus on that project, we aren’t paying for you to fail classes.” 

Steve nodded, leaning his back against the hood beside his best friend, staring out over the yard. “I know, which is why I’m trying, I just can’t seem to focus today.” 

Bucky turned to him, thoughtfully. “Well, I’m not getting anywhere with this engine, so one of us may as well get something out of today. Where do you want me?”   
  


Steve grinned. “Really? I don’t want to bother you if you’re frustrated.”

Bucky shook his head. “Nah, I can’t stay mad around you, and besides, I could use the distraction. You always ask me to pose for you, I can’t stay in one pose for hours today, but you can take a couple more pictures if you want. I could use the company while I keep working, too, if you want to stick around.’

Steve grinned. “You sure?”

Bucky nodded and for the next several minutes Steve directed Bucky around the old car, snapping pictures when he was satisfied with the angle and lighting. He had several good ones, which would keep him busy for a while. One of Bucky sliding out from under the car, one with him in the car fidgeting with the wires under the dashboard, one of him crouched over the tool tarp, and a couple more at different angles around the hood. 

Steve grinned and swiped through them. “You’re amazing, Buck, thanks, I really appreciate it.”

“You know I don’t mind, you gonna stick around to sketch or head home?”

Steve shrugged, watching his friend grab a couple tools and slide back under the car. “Did you want me to hang around? I don’t want to distract you.”

“Sure, I could use the distraction, keep me from getting frustrated again.”

“Okay.” Steve settled down onto the concrete next to the tarp, pulling out his sketchbook and pencils. He went for the colors this time and set to work. He genuinely enjoyed hanging out with Bucky here, they could talk for hours, or work in silence. Today it was mostly silence with occasional questions back and forth. Bucky asked about his day at the printing office, Steve asked him questions about the other mechanics and the old car. 

About thirty minutes into his sketch, it was coming along pretty well actually, Bucky let out a triumphant shout. “Yeah, take that you stupid engine!” He slipped out from under the car, pulling a large part with him. He tossed it onto the ground beside Steve. 

“What is that?” Steve asked. 

“That is a pain in my ass.” Bucky dropped to the ground, laying back on the concrete in front of Steve. “And this is me taking a break.”

Steve laughed. “Good job, Bucky, you got it out, see, you’ve got this.” 

Bucky cracked a smile and put an arm over his eyes. “Thanks, Steve.”

They fell silent again and Steve reached for his charcoal, flipping to a new page in his sketchbook. He quickly sketched the outline of his friend on the ground, trying to get it done before Bucky got back up. 

“When was your last haircut? It’s getting a little long.” Steve sketched the locks of hair that stuck to the sweat on Bucky’s temple.

Bucky snorted, laughing. “I was wondering when you’d notice. I was actually thinking of growing it out. What do you think?” 

Steve stopped sketching to frown at Bucky. “Are you serious?”

Bucky cracked an eye and looked up at him. “Kind of, would you prefer if I wasn’t?”

Steve shrugged and went back to his sketchpad. “I don’t know, I can’t really see you with long hair, I mean, maybe like shaggy hair, that’d be fun to sketch. But long hair doesn’t seem very practical.”

Bucky shrugged, closing his eyes again. “I don’t know, Peirce has long hair, he just puts it up when he’s in the shop.”

“Didn’t you say that Peirce hasn’t ever been under the hood of a car?”

“Fair point, but still, I thought it could be fun.”

Steve shrugged. “You do you, man. I think you look better with it short, but I guess I’ve never seen it long, could be interesting.”

Bucky hummed. It was another few minutes before he got up and went back to work. Steve continued to sketch. After a few minutes he stopped. 

“Hey, Bucky.”

There was a grunt. “Yeah?”

“I think I’m gonna invite someone over tonight, is that okay?”

There was a crunch of metal and a muffled curse, then silence for a few seconds. “You’ve never asked my permission before, why now?”

“I don’t know. Ever since that night at the bar I haven’t wanted to step on your toes about it.”

Bucky didn’t slide out from under the car but didn’t keep working either. “I don’t care, Steve. It’s been a few weeks since then and you haven’t had anybody over. I figured you were done with one night stands.”

Steve frowned. “Well, I just… I don’t know, never mind.” 

“Steve, I don’t care, if that’s what’ll make you happy, do it. Just be a bit choosier, would you? I’d hate to have to bury a body in the morning.” 

Steve nodded, knowing Bucky couldn’t see it. “Okay.”

It was another couple of minutes before Bucky started on the car again. There was a screech of metal and a triumphant grunt. A small part was tossed out from under the car. 

Steve quietly packed his sketchbook away. He had hoped Bucky would be a bit more supportive, but something had changed that night. He couldn’t remember everything he had said when he’d gotten drunk, but he wished things had gone back to normal. The fact he hadn’t invited anybody over since then had proved that it hadn’t. He stood up, throwing his backpack over his shoulder. 

“I’m gonna head home, I’ve got work to do. See you later?”

“You know it, I’m about ready to give up, but it’ll be another little while. Don’t forget it’s your night for dinner.”

“I know, see you at home.”

_ IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII _

Bucky watched his friend walk away from under the car. He sighed. He had hoped Steve wouldn’t invite anybody over again. But if it made the man happy who was he to complain? He banged the crow bar on the engine in frustration and cursed when dirt rained down on him. He laid his head back, sighing. He couldn’t keep his friend to himself, but he could be frustrated about it in private. 

He pulled his phone out of his pocket, shifting onto his side so he could text easier. 

_ Me: 6:08 PM _

_ Hey, Steve’s got a friend coming over, I’m gonna need some company. I’ll provide the snacks and games if you bring the whiskey? _

He waited on his side for a reply.

_ Natasha: 6:11 PM _

_ Sounds like fun to me! 8:30 work for you? Your place or mine? _

_ Me: 6:12 PM _

_ Mine, 8:30 it is. _

_ Natasha: 6:13 PM _

_ You do Jack Daniel’s right? _

_ Me: 6:14 _

_ Don’t you dare bring any other garbage into my house. _

_ Natasha: 6:15 _

_ Haha, alright, alright, I’ll be there. _

He sighed and slipped his phone back into his pocket. At least he’d have company in his frustration.

_ IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII _

Steve had finished dinner by the time Bucky showed up just after seven. He grinned at him from over his laptop which was on the counter. 

“Hey, get showered, I’ve got dinner done when you’re clean.”

Bucky kicked off his work boots into the corner with a grin. “Yes, mother.”

Steve rolled his eyes. 

When Bucky came back out, his hair was glistening. He had put on a thin white t-shirt and his black skinny jeans. Steve looked up in surprise. “No sweats?”

“Nah, Natasha’s coming over, figured I’d better look presentable.”

Steve felt his heart stutter a little. Bucky had invited Natasha over? He knew they’d hung out at the bar a couple nights in the last week or so, but when had they become close enough for a house party? He tried to push off his sudden discomfort, wondering why he was bothered by it. “You know you’re gay, right? And she’s a girl? Or are you converting over to the bisexual train?”

Bucky laughed and shoved him as he headed to the stove. “Shut up, she’s fun to hang out with, and I figured you’d be busy. Plus you won’t let me buy whiskey for the house, so I’m using her to get some.”

Steve turned to Bucky completely. “No, Bucky, we talked about this, you get worse when there’s alcohol in the house, just keep it at the bar, come on.”

Bucky didn’t turn to face him. “Too late, she’ll be here at 8:30.”

Steve sighed. “Come on, man, you’ve relapsed in the last couple weeks, what’s up?”

Bucky still didn’t look over as he filled his plate with the spaghetti on the stove. “Nothing, seriously, and it’s not a relapse, it’s a casual relationship, nowhere near as bad as before, I promise.” He finally turned around, grabbing a fork from the drawer. “And we do not have sex, you are still the only person in this house who invites someone over purely for their body.”

“Guess who I learned it from?” Steve rolled his eyes and turned back to his project. He’d made headway, but it still wasn’t satisfying. Bucky glanced over his shoulder at the screen. 

“Looks like it’s coming together finally.” 

Steve shrugged without replying. Why was he so bothered that Bucky had other friends? For so long Bucky had been a loner besides Steve, it was good that he had people he could invite over. And Steve would be busy tonight, so it was only right that Bucky had someone to hang out with. What was his problem?

Bucky went into the living room and Steve sighed. He just wanted his friend to be happy, but why did his friend’s happiness make Steve so frustrated? He grumbled and forced himself to focus on the screen. 

He must have focused hard because the next thing he knew Natasha’s loud voice was coming through the living room. 

“I brought the party!” 

“Don’t let Steve see those, he’ll flip.” Bucky’s words brought Steve’s head up completely.

“See what? There are no drugs allowed in this house!”

Natasha smiled sweetly at him as she came through the doorway. “No drugs, see, just whiskey.” She held up the bottle of Jack Daniel’s and moved around him to put it in the freezer. “Come on, Captain handsome, just a little bit of fun for us while you have yours. By the way, I think he’s here. At least if he’s not, you should call the cops on the weird looking hippie guy that’s waiting on the stairwell.”

“Hippie? You invited Patrick over?” Bucky was glaring daggers at Steve. 

“No! It’s not Patrick, and he’s not a hippie. This is somebody else, just a guy from my drawing class last semester. His name is Marley.” 

“Marley?” Natasha grinned. “What a hippie.” 

Steve glared at her, then at Bucky. “He wasn’t supposed to be here till nine, he must have gotten here early. Stop calling everybody I have over a hippie. He just has green tipped hair, I think it’s hot.” 

Bucky held his hands up. “Hey, I told you I didn’t want to bury a body, I was just making sure.” 

Steve went back to his laptop as Natasha and Bucky got out a couple of games and turned on the radio. He tried to ignore them and focus, but he couldn’t ignore the knot in his stomach. Nerves? He hadn’t been nervous about sex in a while, what was wrong with him? 

“Guys, I’m still trying to focus, come on.” 

Bucky spared him a glance as they set up Life on the kitchen table. “Go get ready for your date, and relax, you look like you’re about to throw up. You’re gonna be loud soon enough, and you won’t even hear us.” 

Steve glared at him. Bucky stared at him for a minute before standing up and coming over to him. He spoke quietly, closing Steve’s laptop with one hand, the other on Steve’s shoulder. “What’s up? You never snap at me like that, and you haven’t looked this sick in a long time.”

Steve looked at Bucky but avoided his eyes. “I don’t know, sorry, I’m just frustrated with this project.” 

“That’s a lie. And we both know it. But I understand so I’ll let it go. Please, just relax, you used to enjoy this, I don’t know what changed, but I need you to relax. Come sit with me until Marley gets here, forget about the project.” 

Steve nodded and dropped into the seat next to Bucky. He watched them set up the game, feeling the knot in his stomach only grow tighter as the time passed. He glanced at Bucky, wishing he could talk freely about his nerves, but not daring to with Natasha there. 

“What’s up?” Bucky caught his eye and raised an eyebrow. 

Before he could answer, there was a knock on the door. He took a deep breath and shook his head. “Nothing.” He got up and went into the living room. He spent a few seconds gathering himself before he opened the door. He put on a winning smile and forced himself to be happy. 

_ IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII _

Bucky heard the door open and tried not to eavesdrop on the two guys in the living room. He had purposefully chosen the kitchen table instead of the coffee table so he could avoid having to confront his feelings about Steve’s lovelife. Natasha slapped his knee gently. 

“Hey, forget about them. Decide if you want to go to college or not.”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “Definitely college, hand over the debt, banker.” 

She grinned. He stood up and moved to the freezer, carefully avoiding looking into the living room. The TV had turned on, but he didn’t want to know if they were paying attention to what was playing. 

He grabbed a couple of glasses and poured both of them a heavy dose of the whiskey once he got back to the table. 

They kept playing, keeping their tone light and their voices down until they heard the TV turn off and a pair of footsteps head down the hall. Bucky sighed and got up, grabbing the remote for the speakers on the counter. He turned the volume up as high as he could without drowning out Nat’s voice. He turned to her and held out his hand. 

She raised an eyebrow. 

“Come on, hand them over.” 

She finally rolled her eyes and pulled the packet of cigarettes out of her jacket pocket, slapping them into his hand. “And here I was thinking you wanted to dance.” 

He ignored her sarcasm and quickly pulled one out, moving to the window and opening it. He also pulled open the sliding glass door. He pulled his lighter out of its hiding place on the door frame and flicked it open. He stepped on to the balcony for a moment to take a few puffs of the cigarette, feeling the nicotine relax his shoulders. 

He rejoined Natasha in the kitchen. She smirked at him. “That bad, huh? You know he’s gonna smell the smoke, right? And then he’s gonna blame me for bringing them, even though you’re the one who practically begged me to.”

Bucky nodded at the open screen door as he sat back down. “Not if we keep the door open. I’ve done this too many times to count. And yes, that bad. I haven’t had a smoke in weeks, and tonight I definitely need it. Don’t judge.” 

She smirked. “Not judging. Your turn. And pour me another glass.” 

Bucky had gotten halfway through the packet of cigarettes, and they had finished the bottle of whiskey by the time they heard the bedroom door open. They were both more than a little tipsy but snapped back to reality. Bucky jumped up and quickly disposed of the cigarette butts into the metal bin on the balcony, sliding the screen door and window closed, he slid the rest of the pack back to Natasha as he sat down.

They heard footsteps reach the door and murmured whispers. Finally the door closed and Steve poked his head into the kitchen. “You guys still up? Why is it so cold in here?”

Bucky shrugged, trying to be nonchalant, but knowing the alcohol kept him too loose to pull it off. “Yeah, I’m still whooping her ass at Phase 10, we’ll be done in a little while.” 

Steve narrowed his eyes at them. They kept playing until he finally spoke again. “Come here, Bucky.” 

Bucky looked up in surprise, trying not to look suspicious. “Why?” 

Steve just looked at him so Bucky stood and moved over, keeping his hand on the counter so he didn’t sway. “You feelin’ better?”

Steve suddenly grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him close. Bucky froze. Just as suddenly Steve shoved him back against the counter. “Seriously?” 

“What? I didn’t do anything!” Bucky was shocked by the anger in his friend’s eyes. 

Steve glared at Bucky then pointed at Natasha. “Out, now, leave.” 

She raised an eyebrow and kicked her feet up onto the table. “I’m sorry, I don’t follow orders from men who just stole my opponent.” 

“I don’t give a shit, leave.” 

“You don’t get to tell my friends to leave, Steve, I don’t tell your friends to leave.” 

“Yeah, well, my friends don’t bring me cigarettes, Bucky. How could you? You are screwing with your body! How many did you have? The smell is all over you!” 

Bucky felt his face flame, he knew part of it was the alcohol, but he also felt shame wash through him as he looked at his friend’s face. “I can do what I want, Steve, same as you.” He had meant for the words to be a confident retort, but they came out little more than a whisper.

Steve shook his head. “Fine, do whatever the hell you want, see if I care anymore.” 

Steve stormed off, his footsteps drowned by the loud music still playing. Bucky watched him leave and heard his bedroom door slam before turning back to Nat. 

She was a little flushed too but tried to smirk through the dizziness. “Told you he’d smell it.” 

He frowned. “He doesn’t understand, it’s not my fault.”

“Nobody said it was. You can’t control how you feel about him, and I’d do the same if I couldn’t sleep with my best friend.” Her candid response made him nervous and he checked to make sure Steve hadn’t come back out of his bedroom.

“Would you not talk about it like that? Oh god, I feel like I’m gonna hurl.” He swayed against the counter, feeling wave after wave of dizziness Steve’s shove had caused.

She stood up, a little unsteady herself. “I’m right there with you. He kinda ruined the mood, I was pretending not to notice how drunk we were getting.” 

Bucky winced and nodded. “Call it quits? Whiskey’s gone so what’s the point?” 

She nodded. “Can I crash on your couch? There’s no way I’m getting home, and you know me, mr. responsible.” 

“You’re a miss, I’m pretty sure. But yeah, it’s all yours.” 

They didn’t even bother clearing the table as they left, she dropped onto the couch, and Bucky dropped into his bed. 

It didn’t seem like he’d even closed his eyes before he was woken up with a loud bang and a bright light. 

“Rise and shine, stupid, you’ve got work in an hour and I’m not covering your ass again.”

Bucky groaned and rolled over, shielding his eyes from the light that came through the now open window.

“Up, I’m serious, I already sent your girlfriend home. You still stink so get in the goddamn shower.” 

Bucky sat up to glare at Steve. “Stop being an asshole, and stop yelling at me.”

He didn’t get a reply as Steve left, slamming the door again on his way out. 

Bucky got up slowly, his head pounding. He managed to get ready without hurling but he was still wincing from the sunlight as he walked into the kitchen. Steve didn’t even look at him as he reached for the coffee pot. 

He frowned when nothing came out of it, he grumbled in Steve’s direction. “You didn’t make coffee?”

“Irresponsible assholes make their own coffee.”

Bucky glared at him but didn’t reply. He finally got coffee started and got his shoes on. He downed a cup of coffee and filled up his thermal tumbler with more to go. He started to say something as he left, but Steve was still at the table and refusing to look at him. He shook his head miserably and left for the garage. 


	5. Chapter 5

_ Oh My God They Were Roommates _

_ Chapter Five _

“It’s been over a week, I thought he’d get over it!... No, he’s stopped bringing people over and instead goes over to their house… Yeah, it worries me! He can’t tell the difference between someone who wants to hurt him and someone who wants to love him, he’s too naive, but I can’t take care of him when I don’t know where he is!” 

Bucky slammed his phone into his pocket, hanging up on Natasha on the other end. He stared down at the sedan he was rebuilding. He had been spending a lot more time at the shop in the past week, mostly because when he and Steve were in the same room Steve refused to talk to or look at him, and it was more painful than just leaving.

Bucky understood he would be angry, understood he probably deserved the anger, but for over a week? Nine days. Steve had never held onto his anger for this long, and now Bucky had no idea what to do to fix it. So he worked, hard, and constantly. He’d finally found the right mixture of soap, water, and WD-40 that worked to get the parts to come off semi easily, so now he was facing an empty hood and a disassembled engine. He needed to sort through the parts, identify what he could use, and get rid of the rest of it. 

But he couldn’t focus. And Natasha was not making it any easier. She insisted that all they needed to do was talk about it. She kept going back to Bucky telling Steve how he felt, she said that was the only thing that would set it right. But he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t get the courage to tell his best friend how he felt. What if Steve hated him even more? He couldn’t lose Steve, he couldn’t. But it felt like he was still losing him. 

Bucky had tried to talk to him, multiple times. Every time he tried he was met with snide comments. “Why don’t you ask Natasha?” “I’m sorry, did you need to take a smoke break first?” “I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’ve never cared.” Each time Steve made a comment like that Bucky’s heart broke a little bit more. He had started drinking every night again, he bought a couple of bottles of whiskey and kept them in his room. He kept a packet of cigarettes on the balcony at all times, and he was back to smoking nearly half a pack a day. He hated it, hated the way the combined alcohol and nicotine made his head hurt, but it was better than facing his feelings, so he did it anyway. It made his job a living hell, Pierce had noticed his attitude and wouldn’t let him work on anything except the junk car in the back until he figured himself out. 

So here he was, fuming, heartbroken, hurt, hopeless, and permanently hungover. Staring at a rotting corpse of a car. It was getting dark, the sun was setting and the yard was covered in shadows. He’d have to head home soon. He slowly started covering things up, throwing a tarp over his parts and tools, making sure there were no dips in the plastic where water could gather if it rained. 

He headed to his car, unzipping his jumpsuit and stripping it off his shoulders as he went. On his way home he pulled a cigarette out of the packet on his dashboard. 

_ IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII _

Steve heard the front door open and inwardly groaned. He couldn’t handle this today. His nerves were fried from another day of fighting with himself, he couldn’t handle another fight with Bucky. 

Bucky had been spending more time at the shop, so Steve started spending more time on his schoolwork and at the printing office. His boss had been excited with his new availability, but had gotten frustrated when it became apparent that Steve couldn’t focus. His editing skills had gone out the window and he started pushing off jobs that needed reviewing. Bucky wouldn’t talk to him, for some reason Bucky couldn’t stand to be around him. 

Steve knew he shouldn’t have reacted the way he did, but the smell of cigarettes, combined with a drunk Bucky had totally derailed him. The sex hadn’t even really been worth it, it was decent, but his stomach had been in knots the entire time. And Nat and Bucky were just getting drunk and playing stupid games. How could Bucky do that to himself? Why was he set on a downward spiral all of a sudden?

He sighed and turned back to his computer, ignoring the sounds of Bucky taking off his shoes and going to shower. He sat in silence, listening to Bucky turning on the water, and then a few minutes later the water turning off. He heard the bathroom door open and the bedroom door close. It was several minutes later that Bucky entered the kitchen, hardly glancing at Steve. 

Steve’s mouth tightened when he noticed the bottle of whiskey in Bucky’s hand. 

They had stopped their rotation of dinner, mostly because Bucky was never around when Steve made himself food, and without knowing if Bucky was going to be home before it got cold Steve just made food for himself. Which meant he had to watch Bucky make himself dinner every night after work. The last couple of nights the bottle of whiskey never left Bucky’s hand. Steve kept wanting to say something about it, try to get Bucky to tell him what had gone wrong, but he couldn’t do it without getting mad. He didn’t want to be mad, so he stayed silent. He couldn’t decide what was worse.

Steve focused back on his schoolwork, he was halfway done with his project, he’d gotten the edges of the compilation done, just needed to fill things in. He’d finally decided to go with the image of a car, coincidentally the same car Bucky was still working on in the shop. It had taken some research but he finally figured out it was a 1967 Chevy Impala. A great car, and it featured nicely. 

They both worked in silence, cooking and typing the only sounds. The occasional clunk when Bucky put the bottle down, then picked it back up. Steve tapped his fingers, wondering if he should try to strike up a conversation. 

He finally cleared his throat. “How was work?”

Bucky sighed heavily. “Since when have you cared?”

Steve hung his head, closing his eyes. “Bucky…”

The bottle cracked onto the counter. “Exactly.”

Steve clenched his fists, keeping himself from spouting off. He needed to stay cool if they were going to fix this. “Buck, I want to fix this.” 

“Don’t call me that,” Bucky finally turned to look at him, his eyes tortured, dark shadows underneath them. “Stop it.”

“Bucky, please, just listen to me.”

“No, I’m done, I’m done with the back and forth, you care one second and then hate me the next. So I picked for you, you don’t get to care anymore, you’ve pissed me off and I’m done.”

He turned back to the counter, but that only spurred Steve on. “James, come on.”

“Can I just eat in peace, please? I had a really long fucking day.” 

Steve lowered his head into his hands, his elbows on the table. He wanted to keep going, to fight through it, but Bucky sounded so tired, so beaten. “Okay, okay.”

There was a pause before Bucky continued what he was doing. Steve couldn’t stand the silence. He stood up, gathering his computer and notes. He paused before he left the kitchen. “Can I at least have the bottle, please?” 

There were a few moments of silence before Bucky sighed. He finally held the bottle out to Steve without looking over. Steve reached for it, but stopped. “You have another one in the bedroom.” It wasn’t a question, there was no other reason that Bucky would give it up so easily. 

“Yup.”

Steve sighed and shook his head. “Fine, whatever.” 

He turned and walked out, going to his bedroom, forcing himself not to slam the door behind him. He dropped onto the bed, reaching for his sketchbook on his side table. He flipped through it, admiring all the angles of Bucky it offered. His long fingers grasping a cigarette, his hair ruffled by the wind on the balcony, his small smile when he made a joke. They were beautiful, he was beautiful. And Steve hadn’t seen that smile, that twinkle in his eyes for days. He leaned his head back on his headboard, banging it a couple times for good measure. His relaxed features, his grin, his laid back posture, they were only in the sketchbook now. 

And Steve wanted them back. 

_ IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII _

Bucky ate in silence, feeling the dizzy haze brought on by the whiskey. He actually hadn’t had that much to drink, but after several days of drinking and hangover, his tolerance was starting to let itself go. He mostly had the bottle with him to annoy Steve, and it had apparently worked. His satisfaction was short lived, unfortunately. 

He dropped onto the couch after cleaning up the dishes. He switched on the tv but hardly paid attention. He mostly listened for sounds from the hallway, ready to bolt if Steve decided to come out and start another conversation. 

His phone vibrated, he reached for it only when it didn’t stop after the first time. He groaned when Natasha’s name flashed on the screen. 

“What?”

_ “Well, hello, lover boy, nice to hear from you too, I’m great, thanks for asking.” _

“I’m not in the mood, what the hell do you want?”

_ “I’m worried about you, you’ve got a bottle in your hand again, don’t you?” _

He glanced at the bottle sitting on the coffee table. 

“Technically no. I’m fine, stop worrying.”

_ “Where’s Steve?” _

“Bedroom. Is there really no way we could have had this conversation over text?”

_ “Why don’t you go join him? Could be fun.” _

“And terribly stupid, but yeah, why not screw up an already damaged friendship?”

_ “Oh, come on, could you at least lighten up a little?” _

“No, I’m mostly just pissed right now, so lightening up isn’t going to happen. Sorry to disappoint.”

_ “So what’s your game plan? Ride it out, forget about it, leave?” _

Bucky paused, then sucked in a quick breath. “Leaving has been on my mind. I’m… well, I’m thinking about looking for a new place, I can't handle this.”

_ “Wow, you’re really giving up? Just like that?” _

“No, not just like that, it’s been nine fucking days, and I’m still sitting here being judged every second of the goddamn day, and when he’s not judging me, he’s pitying me. I can’t tell which is worse.” 

_ “You are both pathetic. He’s not even answering his phone, you’re both stupid.” _

“Yeah, I wouldn’t expect him to, most of what he does now is work on his stupid project, and judge me. Doesn’t have time for social calls.”

_ “Can you at least try?” _

“I’ve been trying, and I’m done, I’m done trying, and I’m done pretending. This whole situation is shit, and I’m done with it.”

There was a sigh from the other end of the line.  _ “Well, fine, I guess I’ll just find a new friend, one who won’t drink himself to death.” _

“Good luck with that, kindest condolences on losing your friend, I have no idea how that feels.” The sarcasm fell off his tongue more harshly than he expected, but he didn’t take it back. 

She huffed.  _ “You’re one heartless asshole. Have a good day, let me know if you need me.” _

It clicked and he tossed the phone onto the floor. He sighed and went back to his moping. 

_ IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII _

Steve could barely breath as he stumbled back into his bedroom. His heart was pounding. He reached desperately for one of his inhalers, trying to stave off the asthma attack that would lead to a panic attack if he wasn’t careful. 

Bucky was leaving? Bucky was looking for a new apartment? “ _ I’m done pretending. This whole situation is shit, and I’m done with it.” _ The words echoed in his head, hurting even more with each repetition. 

He collapsed onto the floor, clutching the sketchbook again. His head started to pound, he couldn’t tell if it was from the pain in his chest, or the lack of oxygen to his brain. He felt the panic attack overtake him and tears slipped down his cheek.

He grasped desperately for something to hold on to, his eyes hardly seeing. He was shocked when he came into contact with another person’s hand. 

He jerked away, gasping for breath still. He finally focused long enough to recognize the steel grey eyes watching him. 

“I’m here, Steve. I’m here, just breathe through it.”

Steve noticed something wrong with his voice, but it didn’t register completely through the panic. Steve focused instead on the instruction, taking deep breaths into his lungs, but they only came through haggard and uneven. He felt more tears slide down his cheeks, why was he crying?

Soft fingers brushed against his face, he dropped the sketchbook in favor of the hands, clinging desperately to the warmth. The hands held the inhaler to his lips, he automatically took in a deep breath. The inhaler was still there, so he gasped again. The hands helped, but they were stiff, and didn’t pull him in like so many times before. 

He didn’t know how much time passed before he found his breath again, panic attack followed by asthma attack, then more panic attacks. He finally found his mind enough to recognize Bucky beside him. 

“Bucky?”

“I’m here, Steve.”

Steve heard the words, but the voice was flat, the grey eyes were dead. He remembered the words that brought on the panic attack, and he pulled away. 

“Thanks, I’m fine now. Just go.”

Bucky hesitated but finally nodded. “Okay, I just… I know how hard your attacks are on you, so I thought I could help.” Without another word he stood and left. It hit Steve hard when he didn’t look back. 

He took another few minutes to get his breath back completely. Then he stood, he had to get out, away from that dead stare. He shoved his shoes onto his feet with shaking hands, he gathered his art supplies, then dropped them. 

He stopped, gasping still, his hands shaking. He grabbed his keys and wallet, leaving everything else behind. He saw Bucky jerk up from the couch as he passed.

“Steve?”

He only waved him back down. “I’ll be back later.” 

He was still gasping as he dropped into his car. He desperately needed to not feel, he needed to… get drunk. He sighed. He needed to get drunk, very drunk. He pulled out of his spot and headed toward Bucky’s favorite bar. Bucky said Adam was a good bartender.

_ IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII _

Bucky watched him go, his heart tight. Bucky knew he might have made it worse by following Steve into his bedroom. But after he’d hung up he realized Steve had heard him. He’d had no idea it would cause a panic attack. 

Steve always had asthma, it wasn’t nearly as bad as during his teens, but it always made the panic attacks worse. Bucky wanted to help, he didn’t want to make things worse. But he couldn’t deal with the tension anymore. So he didn’t. 

It was several hours later, Steve hadn’t come home, but Bucky refused to worry, Steve was a grown man, he’d be fine. That’s what he thought until his phone lit up again. He sighed and reached for it. 

_ Adam Bartender _

“Hello?” 

_ “Bucky, it’s Adam, how’s life?” _

“Rough, what’s up?”

_ “Well, I’ve got a buddy of yours here, he looks to be having it rough too.” _

Bucky sighed. “So that’s where Steve went.”

_ “Yup, and I need him out of my bar, man, it’s bad.” _

“I can’t come get him, Adam, things have gotten bad, and I can’t do it.”

_ “Well, I have passed the message, and that’s all I’m required by law to do. Figure something out?” _

“Fine.” 

He clicked the phone off and tapped it against his leg. There was no way he was going to face a drunk Steve and make it out okay himself. 

He opened his phone and called the only person he could think of.

“Natasha, I need your help.”

_ “Considering how our last call ended I figured this wasn’t a casual chat.” _

“Nat, I’m serious. Steve had a panic attack and then left, turns out he headed to the bar. I just got a call from Adam, it’s bad.”

_ “Sounds like you need to go on a trip to the bar and pick up your lost puppy.” _

“Nat, I’m serious, I can’t do this today, please, please, go get him?”

There was silence for a few minutes.  _ “Fine, but you owe me, Barnes.” _

“I know, I know, I’ll pay you back, I promise.” 

There was a click and he sighed again. He threw the phone across the room, frustrated beyond anything. 

He waited impatiently for Nat to bring Steve back, watching the TV with no interest. Finally there was a knock on the door. He jumped, then quickly got up. 

He was surprised to see only Nat. “Where is he?”

She rolled her eyes. “I got your boyfriend, he’s down in the car. He passed out once he got in the car, and now he’s awake and crying. He refuses to get out.” 

He sighed. “Oh my god, I can’t handle this, Nat. I need this to end, I can’t deal with this. He hates me, but then he can’t stop being a pain in my ass.” 

“I know, I know, I just need him out of my car, drop him on the curb for all I care, I just need to be home right now.”

“I’m sorry, yeah, I know, I’ll get him. What’s going on at home?”

“Clint’s waiting.” She smirked. 

He rolled his eyes. “Gotcha, let me get the asshole out of your car, wouldn’t want to keep you from that.”

“I’d appreciate it.”

He trudged down the stairs. Steve was half in and half out of the car, his head in his hands, leaning against the back of the seat. He took a deep breath and steeled himself against the tension. 

“Hey, Steve, what’s up?”

“I don’t want to talk to you.” The words were muffled but also ragged, and very slurred.

“Great, off to a good start. You gotta come up to the apartment, Steve, Nat needs to go home.”

“That’s what I told her to do when she first showed up.” 

Bucky knelt in front of the man. “Hey, Stevie, please, come on.” 

“Don’t!” Steve jumped away from Bucky, barely, with his movements slowed from alcohol. “Stop it, just leave already!” 

“Steve, literally, this is not the place to do this, you are drunk, out of your fucking mind drunk, and Nat is going home, so I can either pull you out of this fucking car, or you can come with me without a fight. I can’t do this right now, so figure it out.”

Steve’s eyes glistened as he stared at Bucky. “I don’t want to.” His voice was slurring more and more, like he was losing control. 

Bucky shook his head. “I can’t handle this, all you fucking do is judge me, and get pissed at me for doing shit to my body, and then you get so drunk you can’t even control yourself, and expect me to deal with it, well fuck you, Steve.” He reached into the car, roughly grabbing the taller man’s arms. “Watch your fucking head.” 

He managed to get Steve out of the car without hurting him. He nodded at Nat, one arm firmly around Steve’s waist. “Go home, thank you.” 

She nodded and was quickly gone.

Steve tried to shove him away, and Bucky was too pissed to keep him steady. “Fine, get up the stairs yourself, see if I care.” 

Steve dropped unceremoniously onto the sidewalk. Bucky threw up his hands and walked away. He didn’t get far too before the man on the ground called his name. 

“Bucky.” It was pathetic sounding, little more than a whispered plea. 

He sighed and turned around, running his hands over his face then through his hair. “What?” He felt his resistance shatter when he saw the expression on Steve’s face. He was sure he’d never seen the man this drunk before, he had both hands on the ground to steady himself, but was still swaying. He couldn’t even keep his head up. 

Bucky shook his head, tears stinging his eyes as he walked back, his ability to hold in his emotions gone. “What, Steve?” 

“Please, help me.” One hand came up off the ground and he almost fell over. Bucky caught his shoulders before his head hit the ground. He pulled his friend off the ground, and tears slipped from his eyes. 

“I’ve got you, Steve, I’m here.” The words were his autopilot, but he couldn’t keep his voice from going flat. 

There was a lot of stumbling, cursing, and a few more tears from Bucky. Steve stayed quiet, and Bucky was sure he was seeing stars, or nothing at all most of the time. They finally made it into the apartment and Bucky didn’t stop at the couch this time. He kicked open Steve’s bedroom door and dropped him on the bed. 

He left without saying anything else, wiping his eyes quickly. He brought a water bottle to Steve, then closed the door. “Bucky?” 

“I can’t, Steve, text me if you need something.” Bucky relied on the fact that Steve was too far out of it to text. 

He grabbed the bottle of whiskey and downed another mouthful. He heard Steve stumble around, and then a bang. He rolled his eyes, but when there wasn’t any other movement he got up to go look. 

Steve had opened one of his dresser drawers, and lost his balance, either passed out or knocked out. Bucky checked for blood and was relieved when he seemed unharmed. Except for being unconscious. 

He pulled his friend onto the bed again. It wasn’t even midnight yet, early for Bucky, but he went into his own room and dropped into his own bed. 


	6. Chapter 6

_ Oh My God They Were Roommates _

_ Chapter Six _

Bucky got up earlier than Steve, for the first time since they moved in together. He glanced at the clock. It might be earlier than Steve, but it certainly wasn’t early. 10:30, both of them were late for work. He sighed and went to the kitchen, he checked the fridge for Steve’s work information and dialed Steve’s manager first, starting coffee as he did. 

“Hi, is this Martin?” He waited quietly for the secretary to transfer him. “Hi, Martin, this is Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers’ roommate. Yeah, he got himself into a little trouble last night…No, nothing serious, he’s just gonna need today to recuperate… Yep, that was definitely code for got wasted. Can’t blame me for trying though, right?... Yeah, of course, thank you.” He chuckled in reply and hung up, his fake smile dropping instantly. 

His own boss was a little easier, a simple text explanation, and a few minutes later he got clearance to stay home for the day. After another few minutes he got another text. 

_ Would you mind figuring it out today, though? I could use my mechanic, but he needs his brain. _

Bucky didn’t reply, but he did consider it. They did need to face it, one way or the other. If his feelings came out, or if they didn’t. If they fixed their friendship, or moved apart. Whatever the response, whatever the outcome. 

He grabbed his coffee and downed the cup. His headache was back, but he ignored it for now. He waited patiently for Steve’s emergence. Instead of TV he pulled out his phone, scrolling through random apps, trying to keep his mind from overwhelming him. 

It wasn’t until almost one o’clock that Steve emerged. Bucky glanced at him. Yup, his hangover was massive, dark circles under his eyes attested to the headache pounding in his skull, and he leaned against the wall unsteadily.

“Coffee’s probably old by now, but it’s still hot. Advil’s on the counter.”

Steve grunted in reply. “I’ve got to call the printing office… I’ve never been late before, much less this late.” 

Bucky rolled his eyes. “I already did it, unfortunately I’m not as good at lying as you are, so they know you’re just hungover.” He winced, instantly regretting his choice of words. “That wasn’t meant…. Like that… Sorry, I just… I’m not as good as you at making a good cover story.” He finished and waited for the explosion he was sure would come. 

Steve surprised him by coming to join him on the couch. “It’s okay, I know what you mean.” 

They sat in silence while Steve sipped his coffee and winced at his headache. Bucky glanced over at Steve, taking in all of his expressions. He looked tired, ragged. His head hung, and he seemed weighted down. Bucky realized he felt the same way. 

Bucky waited until Steve had finished his coffee before shifting to face him. “Hey, I know…” He cleared his throat and tried again. “Can we talk? Without getting angry, or backbiting, or whatever?” 

Steve sighed and rubbed his face and set his mug down. “I don’t know… Maybe? Can we?”

Bucky shrugged. “Can we try?”

“Are you willing to?”

“Me? I have tried to-” He cut himself off, looking down and biting his lip. “Yes, I’m willing to. Sorry.” 

Steve chuckled. “Wouldn’t be Bucky without a bit of a retort like that.” 

Bucky glared at him, then couldn’t stop a smile. “I’ve missed you, Steve.”

“I know. Missed you too, Buck.” 

“I was petty and stupid, and you’re right, I do screw with my body, but it’s not… It’s not on purpose, it’s an outlet, I… I need a way to get things out and talking… talking isn’t my strong point… obviously.” 

Steve chuckled again. “Yeah, Buck, I know. And it’s not all your fault. I can hardly hear you over the pounding in my head, so clearly, we both have issues. I overreacted and I have been beating myself up over it. I hate the tension, I just want my friend back.” 

“Yeah, me too. I really do.” 

They watched each other for a few seconds, until Steve cracked a smile. “Jerk.”

“Punk.” 

They sat in silence, and it was finally comfortable again.

“Are we good? Can we be good again? I know you heard me, about finding another place to live, and that was just… I was so tired of the frustration and… and the tension… I just… please.” He finished lamely.

Steve nodded. “Yes, we can be good. Will you forgive me?” 

Bucky grinned. “Of course, you me?”

Steve nodded. “You bet.” 

Bucky felt a weight lift off his shoulders, and judging by Steve’s smile, so did he. Bucky grabbed his shoulders, pulling him into a hug. They held each other firmly for several minutes, their breathing synced. Steve dropped his head onto Bucky’s shoulder. Bucky squeezed him a little tighter as he felt tears sting his eyes. 

Steve pulled away first, his hand sliding off Bucky’s back and gripping his bicep instead. “At the risk of being sappy... you’re my best friend, Bucky, and I couldn’t stand to lose you.” 

Bucky gripped the back of Steve’s neck tightly with one hand, pulling their foreheads together, closing his eyes. “You’re definitely sappy, but I appreciate it. I’ve missed my sappy Stevie.” 

“You’re really forgiving me?”

What do I need to forgive you for? You didn’t even technically do anything, Steve.” 

“Technically? I feel like I did a lot of shit over the past two weeks. Not all of it intentionally, but I feel like I still screwed it up.” He pulled away as he spoke, never letting go of his grip on Bucky’s arm, but putting some space between them.

“I… got… I don’t know… over protective, and you had a right to react to that. I shouldn’t have, it was stupid. I’ve just… You’ve been my friend for so long that I… I guess I forgot what it was like… to… share? I don’t know, I feel terrible about it, and it was so stupid.” 

“Over protective?” Steve shoved his shoulder a little. “You were like a momma bear. I try, Buck, I really do… I try to… protect myself… and I certainly don’t let people take advantage. Also, you only have to share to a certain extent, you’ll always be my best friend.” 

“I know… I just can’t help myself.”

Steve grinned. 

“Was that enough sappy? Can we be done with sappy now?” 

That got him a hard punch on his arm. “Sorry, Mr. I-can’t-have-heart-to-hearts. Your masculinity is not in question.” 

Bucky shoved him off the couch, then offered a hand to help him back up. “You’re an ass.”

Steve grabbed the remote and settled down. “You ready to go back to normal?”

Bucky grinned. “Only if you are. What’s your head like?”

“Terrible, I don’t know how you deal with this every day. I feel like I have a gong going off in my head everytime my heart beats.” 

Bucky laughed. “Yeah, give it a few hours, you’ll feel better. And you might think about taking a nap or going to bed early tonight, it’ll give you an edge on it.” 

Steve flushed and grimaced. 

Bucky looked over. “What?”

“I’ve got a… person, lined up tonight. I’m gonna head over around eight…” 

Bucky nodded. “Makes sense. I hope you feel better by then. Why don’t you relax and take a nap?”

Steve watched him carefully. “You mean that? You’re okay with me going?” 

“Can I stop you?” Bucky stretched out an arm. “Come here, take a nap, you’ll feel better.” 

Steve smiled gently and accepted the loose embrace. He allowed himself to relax, dropping his head onto Bucky’s arm. Bucky’s body always burned a little hot and his breathing was so steady, his heartbeat strong, letting Steve know he was safe in the embrace. Steve fell asleep a lot faster than he expected. 

_ IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII _

Bucky sat watching tv for a couple of hours after Steve left, his brain too wired to sleep. He considered going to the shop, but his headache told him that was a bad idea. So he sat, and moved through show after show. 

He didn’t remember falling asleep, but the sound of buzzing woke him up slowly. He finally woke up completely when the buzzing stopped. He sat up and blinked away the sleep. His phone buzzed again. He reached for it, rubbing his eyes. 

His eyes flew open when he opened his phone. Three missed calls and five text messages from Steve. 

_ Steve: 11:14 PM _

_ Damn, Buck, this feels so weird, I don’t know what I think about it, I mean, cool but shit. _

_ Steve: 11:26 PM _

_ I feel floaty, is that bad? I feel like that’s probably not good.  _

_ Steve: 11: 28 PM _

_ But don’t worry, Buck, I’m not drunk, only had half a beer. Not drunk, just floaty _

_ Steve: 11: 40 PM _

_ Seriously, don’t worry, floaty is fine, Alex says this is what it’s supposed to feel like _

_ Steve: 11:45 PM _

_ I don’t know if I trust Alex, I’m feeling floaty and sick now, I don’t think that’s what it’s supposed to feel like. Maybe you should worry, Buck. Can you call me? Make sure I’m alright? _

_ Steve: 11:50 PM _

_ Missed Call _

_ Steve: 11:52 PM _

_ Missed Call _

_ Steve: 11:59 PM _

_ Missed Call _

Bucky frantically dialed the phone, praying that Steve answered. No, Steve, floaty was not good, floaty was never good, what the hell had Alex given him? 

_ “Bucky! My Bucky, I’ve been calling you, where ya been?”  _ His voice was definitely floaty, and slurring.

“Oh my god, Steve, thank the fucking lord, where are you? What are you talking about, floaty? What the hell does that mean?”

_ “I don’t know, Buck, I only had half a beer, and I have never felt this way drunk before. I asked Alex, and he said it was normal, but I don’t know. This is weird.”  _

“What did he give you, Steve? What is making you floaty?”

_ “Oh, I don’t know, he wouldn’t tell me, he gave me a couple of medicine looking things, just told me it’d be fun. They were pretty gross, but I don’t know what they were.”  _

Bucky felt sick to his stomach. Steve had been drugged. Why the hell had he been drugged?

“Steve, where are you now? What are you doing? What’s going on?”

_ “We’re at a club, we decided to come here instead of stay at his house, cause he said it’d be more fun. I’m in the bathroom, I don’t feel good. Hey, Bucky?” _

“Yeah, yeah, I’m here, Steve.” 

_ “If I asked you, would you come get me?” _

“Fuck! Yes, Steve! Yes, holy hell, do you need me to come get you?”

_ “I don’t know yet, but I’m not feeling good, and Alex isn’t around anymore, and I’m sooo floaty. I might be seeing things too, this is weird.”  _

“Why the hell isn’t Alex with you? What is he doing? What do you mean you’re seeing things?”

_ “I don’t know, I came in here the first time and he was gone when I came out.”  _

Bucky rubbed his eyes. “I’m coming to get you, Steve, that’s not okay, you can’t let your dates drug you and then leave you.” 

_ “Oh, he didn’t leave, I can hear him laughing still, I just can’t see him.” _

“Holy hell, Steve, do you remember the name of the bar you’re at?”

_ “Ugh, it’s the gay bar in south Brooklyn.” _

“Okay, Steve, I’m coming to get you, what the hell.” Bucky scrambled up as he spoke, shoving his shoes on and grabbing his keys. He ran down the steps three at a time, keeping the phone to his ear. 

“Steve, are you still in the bathroom?”

_ “Ugh, no, I’m not, there's a door that’s open, I think it leads to the alley, but it’s cold. I’m really hot. Did you want me to wait in the alley for you to get here?” _

“What?? No! Steve, do not go into the alley! Stay where you are, I’m not far, maybe ten minutes.”

_ “Okay, I’ll just hang out. I’m gonna go, let me know when you get here, m’kay?” _

Panic seized Bucky’s stomach. “What? No, don’t hang up! Stay on the phone with me, please, I need to make sure you’re safe till I get there.” 

_ “Am I not safe right now?” _

Bucky was nearly panicking, of all the things they’d talked about how in the world had they missed the whole don’t take drugs when you’re on a date thing? “No, Steve, when you feel floaty you aren’t safe, someone could take advantage of you.” Bucky had to focus on his breathing, how could Steve have let this happen? How could Bucky have let this happen to Steve? “Stevie, please, I need you to be safe, please, just, stay where you are, don’t talk to anyone, and don’t hang up. I’m not that far away.”

He floored it the rest of the way, running a couple of redlights as he went. He could hear Steve mumbling random nonsense, but was focused enough on the road that he only registered the sound of Steve’s voice to make sure he was still there. He finally found the club, a long line of people out front.

He threw the car in park and jumped out. He didn’t bother with the line. “Hi, I’m literally here to pick up a friend, he’s on a date that’s going really bad, I’ve got my ID, please just ten minutes so I can find him.” He slowed down, but didn’t stop, not offering a chance for opposition.

Apparently he was frantic enough the guy simply nodded, moving out his way. 

“Hey, Stevie, you still near the bathrooms?”

_ “Uh, yeah, I think so?” _

“You think so? What does that mean? Never mind, I’ll find you, please, stay where you are.” 

Steve went back to mumbling and Bucky circled the club, trying to find a tall blonde with a phone to his ear. Bucky couldn’t decide if he was glad he didn’t run into Steve’s date, or sad that he didn’t. He would gladly deck the dude here and now, but he also needed to find Steve. 

He approached the bathroom and felt relief flood through him that Steve was leaning against the wall, his back to the room. Bucky rushed up to him, slipping his phone into his pocket.   
  


“Steve, oh my god, are you okay?” 

He grabbed the blonde’s arms, pulling him around. Steve stumbled and slid down the wall a little. “Bucky?” His phone dropped to the floor, Bucky scooped it up and put it in his pocket automatically.

He shoved down the panic, taking a few moments to observe his friend, making sure his clothes were straight, and he didn’t seem in pain, but his eyes were blown out and unfocused. “Yeah, Steve, it’s Bucky, how are you feeling?”

“I’m hot, and like, so floaty.” 

“I know, buddy, we’re gonna get you out of here. How are your legs feeling? Can you walk?” 

Steve frowned for a minute and then shrugged. It was so exaggerated it was almost comical. “No, I mean, maybe.” 

Bucky wrapped an arm around his waist and tugged him away from the wall. “We’re gonna head out to my car, okay? We’re gonna go through the alleyway, my car is out front. Try to help me get you out, alright?”

Steve shook his head quickly. “Nope, my friend said to stay out of the alleyway, someone could hurt me, alley is a bad idea.” His words were consistently slurring, but Bucky was glad he’d remembered the instruction.   
  


He couldn’t help but smile. “Yeah, Steve, remember I told you that? But now that I’m here, it’ll be safe, I’ll keep you safe.”

Steve still looked a little unsure.    
  


“Do you trust me, Steve?”

A furious nod was the response, along with more swaying. 

“Alright, then follow me, I promise I’ll keep you safe, buddy, I wouldn’t let someone hurt you.”

They got halfway to the front of the building before Steve collapsed against Bucky. Bucky’s shoulder ached as it took the extra weight. 

“Steve? Steve? What the fuck. Stevie?” He knew he was starting to freak himself out more, and he almost lost it when he realized Steve had passed out. 

He was going to kill this Alex guy. What the hell was in Steve’s system?

Bucky quickly dropped his weight to his knees, grabbing Steve’s thighs and pulling him up into his arms, bridal style. His shoulders were screaming, but there was no way he was stopping in the alleyway. He finally made it to the car, breathing heavily. He got Steve in as fast as he could. Maybe if he got water into Steve’s system it would flush everything out. 

For all Bucky’s supposed wild sides, he had never done drugs, nicotine was the closest he got. So to see Steve like this worried him, how long would the effects last? Was there a way to get it out of his system faster? 

Bucky googled Steve’s symptoms furiously on the drive home, reaching over to check on Steve every couple of minutes. He felt silly for being so paranoid, but checking the blonde’s breathing and pulse, both highly irregular, made him feel a little better. At least he was still alive and not hurt.

He pulled up to their apartment, recognizing his terrible parking job but not giving enough time to fixing it. He pulled open Steve’s door, he was still out cold, but his breathing had evened. Bucky had no idea if that was good or bad. 

His shoulders screamed at him again as he picked up the blonde, accidently smacking Steve’s cheek on the doorframe in his frantic hurry. “Shit, I’m sorry.” Bucky kicked the door closed and quickly rushed to the staircase. He barely made it up to their apartment when his arms gave out. He collapsed against the wall, trying to keep Steve from hitting the ground, while also shaking the feeling back into his arms. 

He slid Steve down to the ground gently and fumbled for his keys. He hadn’t realized his hands were shaking until now, he could barely get the key in the lock. Finally he got the door open and turned to pull Steve back up. He was still out, his skin flushed and hot. 

Bucky cursed under his breath as he pulled Steve’s dead weight into his arms. “Come on, buddy, come on.” He barely made it to Steve’s bedroom before his arms gave out again. He panted as he pulled Steve’s body onto the bed, not letting his arms relax until Steve was comfortably on top of the covers. 

Bucky ran his trembling fingers through his hair, what else was he supposed to do? He pulled his phone out again. He closed his eyes while he waited for Natasha to pick up, tapping his free hand against his thigh, trying to keep himself from going into a panic attack. 

_ “Hey, lover boy, how’s it going?” _

Relief flooded through him. “Nat, it’s Steve, I need your help, he’s in trouble, and I don’t know what to do, he was drugged, and now he’s passed out, and I can’t get him to wake up. His pulse is out of control, he’s all flushed, and he’s really hot, I don’t know what to do!”

_ “Whoa, slow down! He was drugged?” _

“That’s what he told me before he passed out.” Bucky realized a little more explanation was needed and tried to steady his breathing. He forced himself to explain. “We figured everything out this afternoon, we’re good, but he had a date, so he left after he woke up from a nap. His hangover was pretty bad, but he said he was excited, so he went. I got a call around midnight, he said he felt floaty and sick, and that his date had given him some capsules to take and told him it would be fun. He only called me cause he didn’t feel like it was fun, and he didn’t trust the guy. He asked me to come get him, they went to the gay bar, the one next to the theatre? I went to get him, he could barely hold himself up, he was muttering a bunch of nonsense. I didn’t even get him to the car before he passed out, like completely, he hasn’t woken up yet. We’re back at the apartment, but I don’t know what to do. I googled a bunch of crap, but it wasn’t useful. He’s burning up, Nat, his pulse is crazy, I don’t know what to do!” He stopped in order to breathe, hyperventilating was not going to help anyone. 

_ “Okay, Bucky, calm down, he’ll be fine. He’s probably reacted like this because the guy overdosed him a little, he’s a lightweight but he looks stronger, so it would be easy to do. There’s not much you can really do, honestly, until he wakes up and works through it. Do you know what it was?” _

Bucky closed his eyes tightly. “No, Steve didn’t know, the guy wouldn’t tell him.”

She hummed. _ “Okay, he was muttering stuff, his pulse is really fast, he passed out. Okay, give me a second.” _

Bucky could hear her murmuring to someone and suddenly it was Clint in Bucky’s ear. 

_ “Hey, Bucky, it’s Clint. Did he say it was tablets or food?” _

“Medicine looking things? I assumed tablets, but he said medicine looking things.” 

_ “Okay, well, that unfortunately doesn’t narrow it down. Lots of drugs can be formed into tablets. Did he say anything about the way it tasted?” _

Bucky closed his eyes, trying to think back. The last hour had been frantic. “He said, Alex gave him some tablets, that it would be fun, but they were kinda gross. That’s all he said, just kinda gross.” 

Clint hummed in his ear. _ “Well, any opiate put into a tablet would be gross, along with mushroom tablets, those are pretty gross too, mushroom teas are the way to go with that. Painkillers are normally coated so wouldn’t be as nasty, but normally those don’t make people hallucinate.” _

“He was hallucinating?” Bucky grabbed into the foot of Steve’s bed, keeping himself steady.

_ “Well, I mean there’s no way to tell unless you asked him? But normally when people are muttering things it means they’re seeing shit. Honestly, no matter what it was, there’s nothing you can do. You could try to dilute it, give him some water, he’s gonna be ridiculously dehydrated when he wakes up, but water won’t pull it out of his system any faster. It’s not like alcohol that enters your bloodstream. Drugs play with your brain chemistry, it’s a rough experience, unless you like it. But you said his pulse is really fast, so that’s actually a good thing. If he was overdosing on it his pulse would slow down, really slow. So as long as his pulse keeps going fast, he’ll be okay. Has he ever done drugs before?” _

“No, neither of us have, he barely does alcohol. His heart condition, he’s healed from it, but it still affects his ability to handle stuff, he never touches the shit that could mess him up again.”

_ “Fuck, his heart condition… I’d forgotten about that.” _

“That’s worse, right? He might actually be in trouble? What if his heart can’t handle it? His pulse is way too fast.”

_ “Bucky, calm down, he’ll be okay, it’s just gonna be rough. But check his pulse again for me, is it still fast?” _

Bucky moved over to the bed, reaching for Steve’s wrist. His fingers were still shaking. He moved his hand to Steve’s neck, focusing on finding the beat. “Yeah, it’s still really fast,”

_ “How many beats every ten seconds?” _

Bucky couldn’t focus enough to count. “I don’t know, I don’t know, Clint, I just need to know if he’s okay!”

_ “Bucky! Count the beats until I tell you to stop, until he wakes up this is what we have to go on to figure out if you need to get him to the hospital. If his heart is gonna go out we need to know now before it does.”  _

Bucky gasped, feeling his head go light. “Okay, okay, okay, I’m trying. Tell me when to stop.” He forced himself to count, focusing on the slight jump of Steve’s veins. He got to 27 before Clint asked him how many. 

_ “Shit. Nat, do some math for me. Twenty-seven times six.” _

_ “One sixty-two.”  _

_ “Bucky, how old is Steve?” _

“He’s twenty-four, why? What does that mean?” 

_ “Two hundred and twenty, minus twenty-four?”  _

_ “One hundred and ninety-six.”  _

_ “Shit.” _

Bucky was definitely light headed now. “What does that mean? What’s wrong? Clint, tell me what to do!”

_ “It just means that his heart is going too fast. His heart will give out at one hundred and ninety-six beats a minute. He’s at one hundred and sixty-two right now. With his heart condition I don’t even know if the generic math will be accurate, so I don’t know. If he was exercising he’d probably be okay, but I don’t know, Bucky, I’m not a doctor, I just like drugs and exercise and how they react in our bodies, so that’s what I’m going off of. For now, make sure his heart doesn’t go below seventy beats a minute, that’s around eleven beats every ten seconds. If his heart rate drops that low or goes up any further, get him to the goddamn hospital.” _

Bucky felt sick, he put his trembling fingers back to Steve’s throat. “What about how hot he is? For a fever I normally cover him up, is that the right thing to do? What will flush this out?”

_ “That’s what I’m saying, Bucky, there is nothing that will flush this out, it’s probably not even in his bloodstream anymore, most drugs don’t adhere to the bloodstream like alcohol, they attach to neurotransmitters in the brain, they wear off by themselves. He just needs to get through it without his heart shutting off. The only way to know exactly what to do would be to know what he took, but I’m assuming you don’t have contact info for his date?” _

“No, I’ve never needed to have it before, so he didn’t give it to me.” Bucky stripped off his jacket, feeling sweat trickle down his forehead, and his jacket jogged a memory. “Wait a second, hold on, I have Steve’s phone!” Bucky felt relieved when he found Steve’s phone in his pocket. He flicked it open, still holding his own phone to his ear. “Yeah, Alex, this has got to be him.” 

_ “Bucky, don’t ask as yourself! Ask like Steve.” _

“What?” Bucky’s fingers stilled over the send button. “What do you mean? I don’t understand.”

_ “If he drugged Steve he’s probably getting off on this shit, so unless he won’t give Steve the information, be Steve, send him a text as if it was Steve sending it. If he doesn’t give Steve the answer, that’s when you come in as yourself and beat the answer out of him.”  _

Bucky nodded, quickly erasing the frantic text. “Okay, that makes sense.” He typed quickly and hit send. 

_ Man, what did you give me? This is crazy! _

“Okay, now what?”

_ “Now you wait, remember, if his heart rate goes up or down drastically, call 911. If he wakes up and is out of it, just let him ride it out, don’t let him leave the house until he’s back to normal. Keep him hydrated if you can get water in him. He’s probably gonna be super hungry, so get some food in him too. But honestly, there’s not much else you can do. He doesn’t have any drug tests coming up, does he?” _

Bucky didn’t appreciate the humor. “Clint, this is serious!”

_ “Hey! You can relax now. You know what the scary signs are, now just appreciate the fact that this will probably be the only time you get to see your best friend high, I’ve never been able to get Nat to get high with me. It’s a hell of a ride, and it’ll be hilarious. Just keep an eye on him, he’ll work his way through it.”  _

“But what if he doesn’t?”

_ “Then get him to the goddamn hospital.” _

“That’s it? Wait or go to the hospital?”

_ “Yup, that’s drugs for ya, hell of a lot of fun though, if you’re prepared for it.” _

Bucky wanted to scream, but he also wanted to puke. Suddenly Natasha was back in his ear.

_ “Hey, Bucky, don’t freak out, the number of times I’ve freaked out on Clint when he’s high it just made it worse. Everything will be heightened for him. He’ll feel really goofy, or really scared, especially if he keeps hallucinating, so don’t freak out on him when he wakes up. Ask him how he feels. He’ll probably feel really loose, really good, until something turns it negative. But believe me, negative will be far worse for his heart, so let him be goofy and loose, don’t make him freak out. Okay?” _

Bucky nodded. “Okay, that makes sense. Nat, I need to do something, I need to help him.”

_ “There is nothing you can do. Make him some food, get him some water, and just… honestly, Clint’s right, enjoy the fact that he’s high. Hell, he might even snuggle with you. It’ll be hilarious once your adrenaline wears off.” _

Bucky seriously doubted that. He was still going to kill Alex. 

_ “Oh, actually, Bucky, if his date replies, let us know, if Clint recognizes the drug then he might be able to narrow down what might go wrong.”  _

_ “If I recognize it? Believe me, if it goes around a club, I’ve taken it, and nothing I’ve taken is too serious, unless you overdose. But it sounds like his date was going for a microdose anyway, he’ll be fine. Either way you’re right, knowing what it is will help us to know what to expect, so let us know, Bucky.”  _

Bucky nodded again, his hand going back to Steve’s throat. “Okay, I’ll let you know. Just promise me he’ll be okay?”

Clint’s voice was completely serious as he responded.  _ “Bucky, he will be fine, as long as his heart rate doesn’t go up any further, and doesn’t drop down crazy low, he will get through this. I promise.”  _

_ “Clint’s done drugs enough to know what he’s talking about, Bucky, Steve’ll pull through. Honestly, even if you have to take him to the hospital, that’ll be far better than anything his date had planned. People don’t drug dates for the hell of it.” _

Bucky closed his eyes, feeling a surge of nausea again. “Yeah, I haven’t let myself think of that, I’m so glad he called me before his date did anything.” 

_ “Yeah, that’s a good sign. Be glad you’re a friend he could rely on. If you hadn’t patched things up, he might not have called you. He could have called someone far worse, or not called anyone at all.”  _

“Yeah, you’re right. Thanks, guys, I appreciate it. I’m far from okay myself, but I’ll let you know if anything changes with Steve, or if his date responds. Thanks, really.”

_ “Anytime, Bucky, keep us updated.” _

Bucky hung up the phone and stared at his friend. Was sleeping really the way drugs made Steve react? Or was he overdosing? Was sleep even a side effect of drugs? He closed his eyes. He would not freak out, Steve needed him to be calm so he would be. 

He stood up and went into the kitchen. He grabbed a bottle of water and a chair from the table. It was going to be a very long night. 


	7. Chapter 7

_ Oh My God They Were Roommates _

_ Chapter 7 _

Steve woke up several times throughout the night. Each time Bucky offered him water and asked how he was feeling. Each time he got a barely coherent response, several minutes of weird noises and fragments of sentences, and then he would pass out again. Each time Bucky checked his pulse, keeping a ten second timer open on his phone. Slowly his pulse was going down, it was now down to about nineteen every ten seconds, and had been there for a few hours. Bucky took it as a good sign. 

It was around seven in the morning when Steve’s phone chimed. 

_ “Where’d you go? You still feeling it? You’re good at hiding, I still can’t find you ;)”  _

Bucky clenched his fist, the guy was still at the club? And only now trying to track down Steve? What would have happened if Steve hadn’t called him? He forced himself to focus, he just needed to know what Steve had in his system. He could deal with the douchebag later, and hopefully in person.

The phone chimed again. 

_ “And don’t worry, I’ll tell you in the morning. Meet me out front and we’ll head to my place, believe me, having it in your system makes the sex that much better ;)” _

Shit, he didn’t know how to respond to that. Steve was clearly out of it still and in no way cognitive enough to respond, much less the way the guy wanted him to. 

_ “Steve? You didn’t pass out, did you? Don’t worry, that’s normal if it’s your first time, but you’ll get used to it.”  _

Bucky sighed in relief, at least Steve’s reaction was normal. He finally started typing, not sure of himself, but needing to figure out what drug it was. 

_ “I’m still not feeling great, I passed out for a long time, what the hell was that? This wasn’t such a good idea…”  _

Steve rustled under the covers and Bucky turned his full attention to him. “Hey, Stevie, how are you feeling?”

Bucky wasn’t surprised when Steve didn’t respond. Steve’s hand came up to his face, his breathing was normal, thankfully, but his eyes were unfocused, and they still hadn’t registered Bucky’s presence. He kept feeling around on the bed, then his hand ran through his hair. 

“What the fuck?” His quiet whisper gave Bucky a little bit of relief. It was the first inteligible thing he’d said since they got home. 

“Steve?”

Bucky’s whisper made him jump away from the noise, and he nearly fell off the bed. His breathing picked up as he searched for Bucky. Finally his eyes focused, and he seemed to relax. He moved toward Bucky slowly, as if he was unsure of what he was seeing. 

Bucky moved from the chair he had spent most of the night on to the edge of the bed and reached out a hand slowly. “I’m here, it’s me, really.” 

Steve finally got close enough for Bucky’s hand to touch his shoulder, once he seemed sure that the touch was real he rushed forward into Bucky's arms. His arms going tight around Bucky’s waist, burying his head in his chest. His breathing was fast, and Bucky brought a hand to his neck again, his fingers searching for the pulse. He nodded after counting, it wasn’t quite at eighteen. Bucky was relieved, he seemed to have come out of it completely. Even though he was still shaking in Bucky’s arms. 

Bucky held him tight, after a few minutes he released one arm to bring his hand to Steve’s hair, carding his fingers through it slowly. It took almost ten minutes for Steve to completely relax, but he still didn’t move from Bucky’s arms. 

“What happened to me?”

Bucky pressed his cheek to the top of Steve’s head. “It doesn’t matter, you’re okay, everything is okay, I promise.”

Steve’s arms tightened around him again. “I can’t remember what happened. I just felt… so weird, and… was I seeing things?”   
  


Bucky tightened his grip, closing his eyes. “I was hoping you wouldn’t remember anything. You were drugged… and Clint thinks that hallucinations were part of the side effects.”

Steve jerked away, staring at Bucky. “I was drugged?? What the fuck happened?”

Bucky reached up to stroke Steve’s hair again. “It’s okay. You called me once you started feeling sick, and I came to get you. You said it was your date, Alex, he gave you some pills and said it would be fun.”   
  


Steve shook his head softly. “I don’t remember that. Did we go to a club? I can’t tell what I was seeing and what actually happened.”

Bucky sighed, pulling Steve back to him. “Come here, it’s okay, I’ve got you.”

“But what happened?”

“As far as I can tell, you left for your date, and he decided to take you to the bar down in south Brooklyn, you got there, didn’t drink much, he gave you the pills, you started to feel floaty and sick, so you called me, asked me to come get you. I was helping you out to the car when you passed out, didn’t wake up again until after we got home and this is the first time you’ve been coherent. You mumbled a lot, you were pretty out of it the whole time.” Bucky wondered if he should admit how much it scared him, then decided against it. “I called Nat, Clint has some experience with drugs apparently and he said you’d be okay, just had to ride it out.”

Steve’s hands were shaking as he reached up to touch Bucky’s face. “But I’m okay now? I mean, is this real? I remember seeing you disappear, you were like a ghost.” 

Bucky felt his heart break just a little at the pain and uncertainty on Steve’s face. “I’ve got you, Steve, this is real, I promise, it’s over, well, mostly, but you’re safe, and this is real. I’m here, and I’m not leaving, not until you want me to.”

Steve finally nodded. “I’m hungry, and really thirsty, and really tired. My chest hurts.” 

“Clint figured that might be the case. Here, I got you some water, and I can make you food, whatever you want, and then you can go back to sleep.” He hesitated then kept going. “As for your chest, your pulse has been crazy fast all night, it must have put a lot of strain on your heart, that’s probably why your chest hurts.”

Steve accepted the water and drank nearly half of it before he stopped for breath. “That makes sense, I guess. Do we still have that cereal? I don’t want anything fancy, I’m a little nauseous.”

Bucky nodded. “Yeah, I think we do. I’ll go get you some.” 

Before he could get up Steve grabbed him again. “Please, don’t leave me alone, I’m… afraid... of seeing things again.”

Bucky grabbed his hand. “I promise, Steve, you’re okay, do you want to come with me into the kitchen? I’ll only be a second, but if that’ll make you feel better you can come with me.”

Steve finally shook his head. “I’m too tired, but… I don’t want to be alone, Buck.”

Bucky squeezed his hand. “I promise, I’ll only be a minute.”

Steve nodded and Bucky left quickly, grabbing a bowl, spoon, milk, and cereal from the kitchen. He was back before Steve had the chance to lay down again. 

“Here ya go, buddy, just eat one bowl, finish the bottle of water, and then you can sleep some more.”

Steve nodded. Bucky watched him anxiously until he had finished the bowl, then handed him the water bottle again. 

Steve looked up at him before finishing it. “Bucky, you look exhausted.” 

Bucky shook his head. “No, I’m fine,”

“Liar.”

Bucky grinned, and finally nodded. “Yeah, okay, I’ve been watching you all night, I had to make sure you were okay, I haven’t really slept.”

Steve gestured at the bed next to him. “Come sleep with me then, I could use the comfort, and you need to sleep… I mean… if you want to.”

Bucky hesitated, it wouldn’t be the first time they’d shared a bed for a night. The queen bed was certainly big enough and they’d had lots of sleepovers growing up, especially when Steve was sick, but it had been years. “No, it’s okay, once you’re asleep again I’ll take a nap, I’m fine, really.”

“Bucky, please.” Steve flushed as he looked down, his voice dropping to a whisper. “I don’t want to sleep by myself.” 

“Okay... only if you’re sure.”

“I am, please, I’ve never felt like that before, it was scary, and I kept seeing things, maybe if you’re here it won’t be as bad.”

Bucky finally nodded. “Okay, let me change and grab a couple things, I’ll be right back. Drink your water.”

He hurried to his own room, changing out of his jeans and into sweats. He threw on a new t-shirt and grabbed his pillow off the bed. He threw the cereal ingredients and dirty dishes where they belonged and grabbed a couple more bottles of water.

Steve was curled up on one side of the bed when he got back. Bucky gently crawled in behind him, trying not to jostle him too much. When Bucky was comfortable under the covers Steve turned to face him, curling into Bucky’s chest. Bucky wrapped his arms around him. 

“I’ve got you, Stevie, I’m here.” 

Steve nodded, but only tightened his grip. It took several minutes for his breathing to even out and his grip to relax. Bucky put his fingers to his neck again, counting yet again. Fifteen, far better. His nerves were still on edge, but it wasn’t long before he followed Steve into sleep. 

_ IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII _

Bucky woke to a buzzing noise. He groaned and reached blindly for his phone, he almost wished he’d put it on silent mode, he just needed another few minutes of sleep. A weight on his left arm kept him from turning over and he opened his eyes, shielding them with his right hand, why was it so bright in here?

He saw Steve’s face, inches from his own, relaxed in sleep and bathed in sunlight. Everything came rushing back, and he scrambled for his phone. His eyes still ached from the sunlight so he couldn’t read the screen, he slipped it open and put it to his ear. He turned away from Steve, trying not to jostle him, but not wanting to wake him up by talking in his ear. 

“Hello?” 

_ “Hey, Bucky, this is Peirce, where the hell are you? I’ve called you four times, you’re late.” _

“Shit, Peirce, I thought it was Saturday.” He cleared his throat trying to get the sleep out of his voice.

_ “It is, and Peter asked you yesterday to cover his shift that started three hours ago, it’s almost three o’clock in the afternoon.” _

Bucky groaned. “Shit, I’m sorry, I totally forgot, something came up last night, it was a really long night. I didn’t even get to sleep till like eight this morning. I’m sorry, Peirce.”

_ “This has been happening way too often, Bucky, you need to get your shit together and figure out what’s more important: Your job, or whatever else is going on. I can’t keep covering for you.” _

“I know, I know, this is the last time, I swear.”

There was a deep sigh.  _ “This is the last time, after this I’m starting write up protocol.” _

“I understand, I get it.”

There was a click on the other line and Bucky swore. How could he have let this happen? Had he called out that many times in the past week? He could barely remember the call from Peter yesterday, Steve had driven everything else out of his mind. 

“Fuck. Fuck me. Shit.” He banged the phone against his forehead, frustration filling him. What was he going to do? He couldn’t lose his job, there was no way they could keep the apartment if he lost his job, that wasn’t an option. 

Suddenly Steve shifted on his arm. “Bucky?”

He winched. “Yeah? Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.” 

“What’s wrong? I know you swear, but normally not like that.” Steve moved closer to Bucky, slipping an arm around his waist. Bucky rolled back over to him.

“I told one of the guys that I was gonna cover his shift today, with everything that happened with you, I totally spaced it. I’m probably gonna get written up for it.”

“Shit, Bucky, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cause trouble.”

“No, Steve, it’s not your fault, I should have remembered, I’m glad I could be there for you.” He was interrupted by his phone ringing again. He flicked the screen on again. 

“Hello?”   
  


_ “Hey, we haven’t heard from you since last night, thought we’d check in.”  _ Nat’s voice came through, a little too cheery for Bucky’s mood.

“Oh, hey, yeah, sorry, I’m exhausted, my keep up skills aren’t what they’re supposed to be today.”

_ “Everything good? How’s Steve doing?” _

Bucky glanced at the man in his arms, Steve smiled softly at him. “Yeah, he’s good, a little shaky still. He woke up around seven this morning, the worst of it was done by then. We’ve been catching up on sleep.”

_ “Oh, good! And what about his date? Has he responded?” _

“Oh, shit, I forgot about that, yeah, he did, I kinda left him hanging when Steve woke up, totally spaced on replying to him. Hold on a sec,” He reached across Steve searching for his phone. 

“Don’t smother me,” Steve mumbled against his chest. 

“Sorry, buddy, I just need your phone, I left it by the chair I think.” 

Steve rolled over slowly, his long arms reaching. He rolled back over with his phone, with a sigh he passed it to Bucky and curled up again, his arm going back around Bucky’s waist. Bucky tightened his left arm around him, enjoying the closeness, loving the feel of Steve against him. 

He turned his attention back to the phone call. He switched Steve’s phone to his left hand, while holding his own to his ear. “Okay, so he only texted back a little bit before Steve woke up, he wasn’t super forthcoming, oh he sent another one since then... Um, wow, what a douchebag.”

“Be nice, Bucky,” Steve shook his head a little at Bucky’s last words.

Bucky huffed. “The guy drugged you, Steve, I’m pretty sure I can say whatever the hell I want to about him. He didn’t even look for you until sunrise, he’s a douchebag, I’m just saying it like it is.”

_ “And his last text was?” _ Clint’s voice joined Nat’s. 

“He says,  _ ‘I guess you passed out again, so I’m gonna head home, let me know when you want to pick up your car, it’s still parked at my place.’  _ Yeah, douchebag.”

_ “Whoa, he didn’t even wait to find Steve? Yeah, I’m gonna go with you on this one.”  _ Nat huffed.

“Should I reply? I wasn’t very good at that this morning, I never really did the flirting over text thing.”

_ “He never told you what the drug was?”  _

“Nope,” Bucky scrolled back up through the texts. “He originally said he would tell Steve after they got back to his place for sex.”

Steve shifted in his arms. “I don’t even know how I would have had sex with that shit still in my system.”

Bucky frowned. “Steve, that’s the point, it wouldn’t have been consensual…”

_ “Well, what’s the plan? Obviously Steve needs his car back, is he up to going to get it?” _

“Hell no, Steve is not going anywhere near this asshat again, there’s no fucking way I’m letting that happen.”

“Bucky, I can handle it, I’m not a baby.”

“I know you’re not, but you were drugged by this guy, and I’m not letting you near him. Nat, I’m gonna be the one to pay this ass a visit, you up to comin’ with?”

_ “Oh, hell yeah, this’ll be fun.” _

“How soon could you be ready?”

_ “You’re house in an hour?” _

“Sounds good to me, see you then.”

He clicked the phone off and dropped it next to Steve on the bed. Steve wiggled a little closer and Bucky pulled him in tight. Steve pushed himself down the bed a little so his head was against Bucky’s chest. “Are you okay, Steve?”

“Yeah, I’m just tired. I still feel nauseous, and my head is spinning. I’m still trying to figure out what’s real and what’s not.”

“Still seeing stuff?”

“No, I don’t think so, I’m just trying to figure out how to tell if I am or not.”

Bucky nodded. “Hey, where are your keys? They weren’t in your jacket.” 

Steve took a minute to respond, clearly struggling to remember. “I think I left them at Alex’s house, he said we were going back there so I left them on the coffee table, I think, I didn’t want to lose them at the club.” 

“Okay, good to know.” He rolled onto his back, keeping Steve against his side. He rested his right arm against his forehead, staring at the ceiling. 

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Steve propped himself up on his elbow, looking down at Bucky. 

Bucky was suddenly struck by how intimate the position was, they were so close, still sharing body heat from sleeping. Steve’s hair was a mess, his cheeks flushed from the drugs, his eyes bright, his face close to Bucky’s and filled with concern, the sunlight played across his soft features.

He shook his head, shoving the thoughts aside. “I’m fine, I’m just tired, and frustrated… I guess I feel like I keep screwing up. I keep dropping the ball at work, I let our relationship get fucked up over stupid shit, and then you go out and get drugged and… I don’t know, I’m just frustrated.”

Steve stared at him for several more moments, and Bucky wasn’t sure if he was just thinking of what he’d said, or still trying to get his brain to process it. He finally seemed to decide to address it. “Bucky, none of this is your fault, I hate it when you blame yourself…”

“I’m not blaming myself, not really… I’m just trying to figure out what I can do to make things better.”

“That’s not just your job, we do that part together. Hell, we’re back, if we can fix our dumb arguments we can fix whatever else, don’t stress about it.” With that he laid his head back down on Bucky’s chest, Bucky brought his left hand up, raking his fingers through the messy blonde hair in a vain attempt to tame it. 

“I don’t know what I would do if you got hurt, Steve, seriously, when you called me last night I-” He cut himself off, his throat going tight. He shook his head, he shouldn’t have brought it up, it made his stomach churn in panic again. 

Steve tightened his arm around his waist. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you worry.”

Bucky pressed Steve’s head into his chest. “I know you didn’t, and I’m so glad you called me. To think about what would have happened if you hadn’t… It scares the shit out of me. I know I’m just your friend, but I feel responsible, at least a little, to keep you safe, and when I can’t, it kills me. I am so glad you called me, I just felt so helpless, and I didn’t know how to help you, but I am so glad you called me.”

Steve didn’t respond, just stayed next to Bucky, and Bucky appreciated the warmth of the embrace. This man would be his undoing, he was sure of it. 

“Steve? I just need to know… Nat mentioned last night… Steve, please, tell me you would have called me even if we hadn’t figured it out, even if you were still pissed at me, please, tell me you would have called…” 

Steve seemed to understand the desperation behind the whispered plea and he propped himself up again before he answered. Bucky searched his face, suddenly feeling vulnerable with the intensity of Steve’s gaze. 

“I just need to know… It scared me when I realized you might not have called me…” His voice was quiet, he suddenly felt small and weak.

“Bucky, stop. Stop beating yourself up about everything. I don’t even remember calling you, it was instinct. But if I had to make a conscious choice? Yes, I would call you, even if you were mad at me, even if I was pissed at you. If I knew I was in trouble and needed help, you would be my first choice. I honestly would probably wonder if you would be willing to help me, because you get really cold and distant when you’re pissed. But seriously, especially after last night, I would trust that you would help me, pissed or not.” 

Bucky felt his eyes sting and he turned his head away from Steve, his throat tight. He opened his mouth to respond, but couldn’t. 

“Bucky, please, stop. You’re not responsible for me, but I appreciate it so much when you help me out, I’m really glad I can rely on you.” Steve suddenly reached up a hand, threading his fingers through Bucky’s hair, like Bucky had been doing to his.

Bucky choked back a sigh, he closed his eyes, loving Steve’s touch. It was something he rarely received. He was the touchy person. Steve was touchy-feely, but not physically.

“I’m sorry,” He finally managed to choke out a reply, his eyes still closed. “I am just so tired and I’ve been so stressed, I’m sorry. But thank you, thank you. I will always be here for you, always, please, don’t doubt that.”

“I never have, Bucky.”

Bucky brought his hand up to Steve’s neck, pulling him down until their foreheads touched. He didn’t know what to say, his mind too tired to really filter his thoughts. He wanted to tell Steve how he felt, but part of him knew this was a bad time. If he tried to take advantage of Steve in his current state he’d be just as bad as Alex. So he just held him, knowing it might be awkward but not caring as much right now. They’d always been close, Steve was used to Bucky’s need for physical touch, so he relied on that to keep the situation from becoming awkward. 

Eventually he let Steve go and Steve pulled away. Instead of dropping back into an embrace he sat up fully, reaching for the water bottle on the side table. Bucky stayed laying down, realizing he needed to get up and get ready, but not quite steady enough to try it yet. 

He jerked up quickly though when Steve stood up, ready to catch him if he lost his balance. But he seemed steady enough as he headed to the bathroom so Bucky let him go. He sighed and dropped back down on the bed, he didn’t know why he was so exhausted, but he was, mentally, physically, and emotionally. He was drained. 

He took a deep breath and steeled himself. It didn’t matter how he felt right now, he still needed to get up and get ready. Once he was done dealing with Alex he could rest, but for now he needed to focus on that. 

_ IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII _

Steve was feeling much more like himself by the time he heard Bucky’s key scrape in the lock. It had been over an hour since he’d left to get Steve’s car. Steve had started to relax, still feeling a little weird, but he’d checked with Clint and it was normal to feel weird for up to a week, it didn’t help that they still didn’t know what Alex had given him. He tried to ignore the woozy feeling and paid more attention to the tv. 

He also was trying to ignore the thoughts of his conversation with Bucky this morning. Their closeness never bothered him, Bucky was always a little more clingy than Steve, and he’d gotten used to that. It wasn’t weird for him anymore when Bucky asked to cuddle, or when he pulled them close enough that their heads touched, it had been several months since it had happened, but it wasn’t weird. What was weird was how emotional Bucky had gotten, he normally stayed aloof and closed, he did everything he could to avoid a candid conversation about feelings. The emotion in Bucky’s eyes was shocking, coupled with the conversation Steve didn’t know what to think about it, so he was choosing to ignore it for now.

He was instantly up as Bucky came through the door. Nat was under Bucky’s arm, helping support him. One of his eyes was swollen, and both hands were bloody. One hand was spreading blood on his shirt as he held it to his stomach, and blood dripped from a cut on his forehead and one nostril. 

“Oh my god, Bucky! What the hell happened?”

Bucky grinned at him as Nat helped him into the kitchen. “I’m fine, looks worse than it is.”

Steve rushed over to grab paper towels off the counter, getting a couple wet in the sink as Natasha dropped Bucky into a chair. He groaned and hunched forward. 

“What happened? You were just supposed to get my car, not fight the guy.” 

Bucky rolled his eyes, clearly still in pain. “Ah, it was hardly a fair fight, the guy was a toothpick. He wouldn’t give me your keys or tell me what he’d drugged you with, I don’t know what his issue was, but he pissed me off. So I pushed past him to get your keys myself. You think this is bad, you should see how he turned out.” 

Steve dropped to one knee in front of Bucky, using the wet towels to clean away the blood. He glanced at Natasha, hoping for more of an explanation. 

She shrugged with a smirk. “Alex wouldn’t let him in, told him he would only talk to you, that wasn’t the right answer. Bucky had him on the ground with hardly a scratch, but the guy had a roommate we hadn’t expected. The roommate got in a couple of good shots before Bucky took him out too.” 

Steve shook his head. “Bucky, come on, what the hell.”

“Hey, it’s not my fault, I didn’t expect the roommate. And Nat’s not kidding, I dealt with them easy, the second guy just got in a couple of lucky punches.” 

“What’s wrong with your stomach?”

Bucky shook his head. “I think he cracked a rib, it’ll be fine, not my first cracked rib, probably won’t be my last. Just hurts to breathe. I don’t think it’s broken, I didn’t hear it break, just cracked.” 

Steve shook his head. “You’re ridiculous. I could have gone over there and we could have avoided this whole thing if you weren’t so damn stubborn.”

“I’m only stubborn cause I’m pissed at the guy. No one is allowed to drug my best friend and get away with it. And there is no way in hell I would ever let you near him again.”

Steve understood, partly because Bucky’s gaze was fierce and nearly drilling a hole in his head. “Okay, I get it, but next time, don’t take on two guys just because you feel like being stupid. Where were you? Weren’t you supposed to be backup?” The last part was directed at Nat.

She shrugged. “Bucky told me to wait by the walkway, you know how he is when he’s pissed, I wasn’t about to argue. I heard what was going on and got there just as the roommate showed up. I kept the other guy down while Bucky finished mopping up. It was a pretty done and done thing.”

Steve frowned at her, but wasn’t sure why he felt so bad. This wasn’t the first fight Bucky had fought because of Steve, but it was the first time Steve felt so protective of him. He shook away the feelings and stood up. “Okay, well, thanks, I guess. Let’s get you in the shower, and then I’ll take a look at your ribs. I remember how the doctor wrapped them last time. Unless you want to go to the emergency room for x-rays?”

Bucky scoffed, then winced. “No, I’m not a baby, I’ll be fine. As long as it isn’t bruised too bad I’ll be good.” 

Steve rolled his eyes. “Fine, whatever. Come on, I’ll help you. Thanks, Nat, I appreciate all the help. I’ve got him now, thank you.”

She grinned. “What else are friends for? The drama I’ve experienced since meeting Bucky has been so entertaining, I wouldn't miss it for the world.”

Both men grinned at her. She saluted casually and turned on her heel. Steve turned his attention to Bucky. 

“Seriously, next time don’t be stupid.”

“Whatever, just help me get my shirt off, punk.”

Steve couldn’t help a fond smile as he helped his friend down the hall. 


	8. Chapter 8

_ Oh My God They Were Roommates _

_ Chapter 8 _

Bucky relaxed into the booth, or at least tried to, but it was difficult, his eyes constantly flicking towards Steve. Steve, the gorgeous bastard, looked especially wonderful tonight, with his hair slicked back, taking small sips of his soda through his straw, his eyes lighting with laughter when Nat or Clint made a joke, his eyes darting over to his date. Bucky tried hard not to glare at his date, he mostly just avoided looking at him, but he couldn’t help the pangs of jealousy when he noticed Steve’s eyes wander to the good looking guy next to him. 

They were seated at a random bar and grill somewhere in Brooklyn, gathered around an old circular booth, nachos and a couple more appetizers were spread out on the table, each person nursing a drink. Clint and Nat were seated comfortably in the middle with Bucky next to Clint at the end. Steve sat on the other end across from him, sandwiching his date between himself and Natasha. Bucky couldn’t remember the guy’s name, he probably should, but he never bothered to learn the names of Steve’s dates, and he had started to realize that it was a really an instinct, that maybe if Bucky didn’t remember the guy’s name Steve would realize he wasn’t worth having around. Not that the guy wasn’t a looker, Bucky knew good looking when he saw it, but the guys clean shaven face and clipped hair, his bright eyes and toned arms, even his quick sense of humor and that stupid smile couldn’t keep the pangs of jealousy and possessiveness out of Bucky’s stomach. 

But he pushed through it for Steve, after all he had been the one to insist that this happen. He had been surprised when Steve agreed to allow Bucky to observe and thoroughly approve of his dates before anything sexual happened, but it was the only way for Bucky to be involved and make sure Steve was safe. After Alex Bucky had noticed his protectiveness increase, and needed some way to let it out. So Steve either set up a group hang out with everyone where Bucky could quietly assess the person Steve selected and then, if approved, Steve would leave with them and show up at the apartment later that night. Or he could also just bring the person straight over to their apartment, making sure Bucky was there at first, to carefully approve, and then Bucky would excuse himself and entertain himself until three or four in the morning, plenty of time for Steve’s date to be gone before he came back. Bucky knew that Steve thought he went to the bar every night that happened, but the bar was becoming less of a frequent hangout, he tended to just bounce around from one place to the next. He’d drive around downtown New York, or head out to Coney Island to sit at the edge of the pier, sometimes he’d even go to a quiet park in the middle of a neighborhood and just sit under the stars and think. He mostly tried to keep his mind off of the apartment and what was happening there. 

Someone suddenly kicked him under the table and he looked up. Steve was grinning at him. “Who’s on the murder list tonight?” 

Bucky forced his face into a more pleasant expression, he hadn’t even noticed himself slip into his own thoughts. “Sorry, got distracted.”   
  


“Murder list? Clint and I thought it was just resting bitch face.” Nat winked over at him and he rolled his eyes. 

“Whatever you call it, snap out of it, this is supposed to be fun.” Steve was still watching him and Bucky raised his beer bottle off the table in a half hearted salute to his statement. 

“You bet it is, having the time of my life.” 

Clint chuckled next to him and Bucky thumped him with his elbow. 

“Ouch, no abuse at the table.” Clint muttered under his breath as he rubbed his side.

Steve’s date laughed at another comment from Steve, and it made Bucky grit his teeth. Bucky was impressed that the guy hadn’t ordered alcohol, choosing to stick with just a Pepsi, but that was the only thing that had impressed him so far. But there really wasn’t a reason for him to veto the date. Steve and Bucky had discussed red flags for a couple days before Steve’s first date after Alex, ensuring that Steve knew what to look for, and knew what Bucky would be looking for. So far the guy was clean, just like the last four guys that Bucky hadn’t found a reason not to approve of. 

He wasn’t surprised when Steve’s smile flickered over to the man next to him, he obviously loved the man’s laugh. It was nice, but it was grating on Bucky’s nerves. He also wasn’t surprised when he felt his phone buzz against his leg. 

He knew it was Steve before he opened it so he took his sweet time getting to it, answering a question from Nat and making another snarky comment before turning his attention to the text.

_ Steve 10:14 PM _

_ No red flags I can see. Thoughts? _

Bucky didn’t want to reply so he relied on their little code they’d established instead. If he ordered another drink, it let Steve know he approved. If he finished his drink and said he was leaving it meant Steve was coming with him, out of luck for the night. 

He sighed a little as he glanced over at Nat, forcing himself to be casual. “You guys sticking around for another? I’m feeling a whiskey right about now.”

She grinned and lifted her glass. “Hell yeah! It’s Friday night, babe, going home before midnight is just not happening!” 

Bucky grinned at the moniker and glanced at Steve. His grin was idiotic, and so sweet and adorable. He’d obviously gotten the message. Bucky felt his stomach drop a little as Steve’s hand drifted off the table, assuming it stopped on his date’s knee. 

Bucky stopped the cute little blonde waitress on her next round, he was about to order another drink for Steve and his date as well as the others, but Steve stopped him. 

“Just get some for you guys, I think we’re gonna head out.” 

Bucky forced the grin to stay on his lips and nodded. “You two have fun.” 

He finished the order and the girl walked away. Steve was getting up, grabbing his jacket. He waved goodbye to the others but raised his hand at Bucky. Bucky was feeling low and frustrated, but he lifted his hand to meet Steve’s high five. He hoped no one noticed his mood. Steve apparently didn’t, just wrapped his arm around his date’s waist and led him outside. Bucky had driven, so it was up to Steve’s date to get him home. Bucky felt his stomach tighten as he watched the man help Steve into his car, nowhere near as nice or impressive as Bucky’s mustang, but he pushed his pathetic feelings down and turned back to the others as the waitress came back with their drinks. 

“Damn, you are getting worse at faking that shit.” Nat smirked at him from across the table. 

He shook his head, trying to keep the glare off his face, and failing. “Yeah, no shit, sherlock.”

Clint patted his knee in sympathy. “It’ll get easier.”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought too, but ever since Alex it’s just gotten harder.” He glowered into his whiskey. “I fucking hate this.”

“At least it gives you an excuse to hang out with us more.” Nat wiggled her eyebrows and Bucky finally chuckled a little.    
  


“Yeah, cause that’s so fun, I get to feel like shit  _ and  _ listen to your teasing all night, what else could a guy ask for?”

“He could always ask for a girl’s number.” The quiet whisper came from the waitress as she leaned over his shoulder, in the middle of cleaning the booth behind them. 

He couldn’t stop his eyebrows from going up, impressed at the guts in the girl as he turned to face her. “Damn girl, you use that line often?”

He saw the flush rise in her cheeks, but her confidence never waivered. “Just when I think it’ll work.”

He nodded, impressed. “I’ll buy you a drink just for that. Damn, you are confident.”

She grinned and dropped a napkin in front of him. “I get off around one, you could stick around and we could share that drink.” Her eyes went a little cold as Natasha intercepted his reach for the napkin. 

“Honey, you are gorgeous and confident, both things that Bucky enjoys, but unfortunately, you’re not the right blonde.”

“Or the right gender.” Clint added with a chuckle. 

The waitress flushed and finally lost her confidence. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize you were…. Oh that’s awkward, I’m sorry, never mind, forget it.”

“It’s okay,” Bucky felt the need to reassure her and he patted her hand that was still resting on the back of his booth. “That was impressive, I’ve never had someone show that much confidence in the first four sentences of a conversation. And Nat’s not wrong, you are gorgeous, just not quite my type.” He was grateful that he managed to sound a little apologetic at the end. 

She was still flushed as she took back her napkin from Nat and rushed away, and Bucky actually felt a little bad. He still managed a chuckle though, that was entertaining, he’d have to remember to tip her nicely. 

He turned back to his drink, listening to Nat and Clint make a few more comments about the girl and Bucky, but he quickly lost track of the conversation, completely losing as he battled to keep his thoughts away from Steve.

_ IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII _

Steve was currently sitting comfortably in the passenger seat of Evan’s car, his hand resting on Evan’s knee once again. The radio was playing quietly, but Steve wasn’t really paying attention, apparently Evan wasn’t either. 

“So, um, your roommate, Bucky, seems like a cool guy.”

Steve looked over in surprise. Of all comments that was not one he expected. “Yeah, I guess he is, he comes on a little strong sometimes though, sorry about that.”

Evan shook his head. “Nah, I get it, isn’t the first time an ex glared daggers at me.”

Steve’s mouth fell open, he couldn’t help it. “I’m sorry, what? What are you talking about?”

It was Evan’s turn to look over in surprise. “What do you mean? It was obvious, the guy is so protective and possessive, he did not like me.”   
  


Steve chuckled. “He’s only like that because I got drugged a couple dates back, ever since he’s been pretty forceful about checking out the guys I go home with. He’s just suspicious, doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you.”

“Fair enough, but he’s still in love with you, isn’t he?”

Steve laughed at the absurd comment. “What the fuck, Evan, no, Bucky has his own love life, nothing to do with me, we have never dated, never even considered it.”

Evan nodded, but didn’t respond.

Suddenly Steve felt a little uneasy. “Why would you think that? You only saw the guy for an hour, tops, what makes you think he’s in love with me?”   
  


Evan took a breath, tapping the steering wheel a little as he thought. “Well, I mean, I’ve been there before, so I guess I caught it a little easier. He couldn’t take his eyes off you, unless he was glaring at me, daring me to do something stupid so he could knock my teeth out.”

“But he’s like that with everyone I date, it has nothing to do with you or me, he’s just weird.”   
  


Evan shrugged. “Whatever you say, I could be wrong.” 

Steve suddenly couldn’t focus on Evan, what if Bucky was in love with him? That would make things so complicated. Steve didn’t have feelings for Bucky… Did he? No, of course not, if he had feelings for Bucky he wouldn’t spend so much time trying to find dates. It’s not like they were distracting him from the fact that Bucky was untouchable, that was absurd. They’d been friends forever, it was natural for Bucky to be a little protective. 

“No, Evan, no, he’s just weird. I was really sick growing up, even into my teenage years, he’s just used to protecting me, taking care of me. He doesn’t have many boundaries, we’re just close.”   
  


Evan raised one eyebrow, shooting him a look. “Well, that was vehement, I’m not accusing him of anything, I just kind of assumed you knew, thought it was a thing left over from the past. Sorry, I didn’t mean to make it weird.”   
  


Steve withdrew his hand unconsciously, Evan definitely noticed. Steve was too wrapped up in his thoughts to worry about it. 

“What do you mean? What did you notice? He always looks at me like that, he’s done that forever. When I was sick it was his way of checking to see if I was having an asthma attack, or a fever or whatever. That’s normal. Plus, he doesn’t like how much I date around, so of course he’d glare at you, he glares at everyone I go out with.”

Evan chuckled a little as he responded. “Always? Has he always glared at the people you date? Or only since you got drugged?”

Steve frowned as he considered the question. “Well, he’s always looked at me like that, and I guess… well, yeah, he’s always glared like that at people I date, he’s just protective.”   
  


“Or possessive…” Another glance his way.

Steve was suddenly feeling trapped. “No, you’re crazy, stop it.”

Evan simply shrugged, lifting his hands from the steering wheel in a gesture of surrender. “Hey, I didn’t mean anything by it, just an observation. I’m glad to know it’s not mutual at least, that makes tonight a lot easier.”

“Mutual? What are you talking about?”

“You and him, as long as something is one sided it generally blows over, if it’s mutual but not acted on it gets a little weird.”   
  


Steve felt his stomach twist. It wasn’t mutual, why would Evan think that? “You thought it was mutual? Why the hell would I have asked you on a date with a guy I liked there?”

“Hey, I don’t know, it wouldn't be the first time I saw it. Just making sure, relax, Steve, it’s okay.” Evan reached over and gently squeezed his knee, then took his hand, bringing it to his lips. 

Steve allowed the touch to relax him, but he was still confused. “Why did you think that?”

Evan chuckled, still gripping Steve’s hand. “Hey, I didn’t mean anything by it, sorry I brought it up, just relax for me.”

Steve tried, but he couldn’t. His thoughts were running wild, racing over the past few months, trying to remember every emotion and expression that had crossed Bucky’s face. There was no way, was there?

Evan noticed. “Okay, seriously, it was nothing. You guys kept looking at each other, you kicked him under the table a couple times to get his attention. I know you texted him, and he was texting you back. I don’t know, man, it was just one of those weird situations where I felt like this bizzare fifth wheel. He bought your drink for you, you were the only person he’d laugh with, he just glared at everybody else. Anytime you laughed at something I said he glared at me enough to shut me up, and anytime I laughed at something you said he looked like he wanted to murder me. He is definitely possessive, in more than a roommate kind of way. But hey, I don’t know, I could be wrong, I’ve just seen the type before.”

“Who have you seen do that before?”

“Me.”

Steve suddenly felt sick. “What happened?”   
  


Evan chuckled. “I told him how I felt, he didn’t take it well. I found a new apartment by the end of the week.”

“So you think that Bucky feels… like that, but doesn’t want to tell me?”

Evan shrugged. “Well, honestly I thought it was because he was an ex that wanted to stick around so pretended to still be friends. But if you never dated, yeah, he doesn’t want to tell you.”

Steve blew out a breath, feeling the pieces click together in his mind. Yeah, it made sense. Anytime he’d had someone over at the apartment Bucky’s first defense was to get drunk. Steve had assumed it was because he missed having someone over himself. But maybe that was why Bucky had stopped bringing people over? Shit, what if Bucky loved him? Did he love him back? Steve thought back to those moments where he’d felt protective of Bucky, a guy at the bar last week had hit on Bucky, Bucky had responded, Steve had felt a prickle of something that made him want to lash out at the guy, tell him to fuck off. Jealousy? No, there was no way, that was just normal best friend behavior… wasn’t it? And what about when Bucky had gone to get his car from Alex? He’d come back all beaten up and Steve had felt so strange, he’d made sure Bucky was comfortable until his ribs stopped hurting him so bad, wanting to protect him and help him. No, that was just friendship. 

Another tug on his hand brought his mind back to the car. 

“Hey, do you want to go back to the bar? I can drop you off if you want.”

Steve shook his head instantly, his expression going from distraught to cocky. “No, of course not, I’ve been looking forward to tonight since I saw you last week.”

Evans grinned and the discussion dropped. 

But Steve couldn’t forget it. 

It was the first time in his life that he wasn’t able to satisfy his partner and finish. 

Less than an hour later they both sat on the edge of Evan’s bed. Their hair was sticking up in crazy directions. Their clothes were messy, but still very much on their bodies. Steve was staring at the wall. 

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong. I’m sorry, I feel terrible.”

Evans was surprisingly understanding. He put one hand on Steve’s shoulder. “Hey, man, it’s okay, I shouldn’t have brought it up, I didn’t realize it would distract you.”

Steve took a shaky breath, turning toward Evan. “What if I love him back? But what if I don’t? How do I know? What the fuck.” He ran a hand through his hair. 

Evan leaned over and placed a soft kiss on his cheek. “You’ll figure it out, and whatever happens, it’ll happen. He seems like a great guy.”

They sat in silence, Steve still obviously distraught and confused. 

“Do you want me to drive you home?”

Steve slowly nodded. “I’m sorry, I just need to think. I don’t know what to think about any of this…”

Evan nodded.

Once they were back in the car, their clothes straightened and their hair flat again, Evan opened his phone. “Back to the bar, or home?”

“Home, definitely home.” Steve did not want to face Bucky right now, and the amount of teasing he would get from Natasha and Clint would be horrible. He typed in his address when Evan offered him the phone.

They drove in silence, Steve felt flushed and weird. This was not the way the night was supposed to go. 

“Hey, just relax, okay, you’ll figure this out, and who knows, you might even be that one lucky couple where it actually works out.”

Steve looked over at Evan, the man’s face was hidden in the shadows, but he could hear the gentle sorrow in his voice. “I’m sorry that it didn’t work out for you.”

Evan shook his head. “You want to know why it didn’t work out?”

Steve considered, and finally nodded. “If you want to talk about it, if you don’t I get it.”   
  


Evan shrugged, his hands gripping the wheel. “It didn’t work out because he found out from someone else. I had been wanting to tell him, knew he might feel the same way, but I didn’t tell him in time. Let it slip one night at a party when I got a little too drunk, and by the end of it he wouldn’t even talk to me. Told me that if I didn’t have the guts to come clean to him that I didn’t deserve him. I packed my stuff that night and left, lived in my car till I found the place I’m at now.”

“He doesn’t sound like a very nice guy.”

He got a chuckle in response. “He was great, he just got hurt. We’d been roommates for a few years, I thought it’d be okay. I guess not.”

Steve considered that. What would happen if him and Bucky didn’t work out? Is that why Bucky hadn’t told him about his feelings?

“You guys have been friends for a long time though, and roommates only recently, I’d bet that’ll make all the difference.”

Steve slowly nodded. “Yeah, I guess so. I’m sorry, this isn’t how I wanted this to go.”

“It’s okay, makes for a good story. And hey, if it doesn’t work out, you have my number. We can take out some angst together.”

They both laughed at that, Evan a little darker than Steve. 

They finally pulled up to his apartment, and Steve was glad to see Bucky’s car still missing from his spot. 

He suddenly didn’t want to get out, he didn’t want to face this new idea. “What if I love him back? I mean, I don’t know, I don’t even know how I’d know, but… what if I do?”

Evan turned in his seat a little, shrugging. “You’ll figure it out eventually. And if you do, tell him, tell him as soon as you know. Don’t wait for it to fester and turn things south.”

Steve nodded. He wanted to say something more, to figure this out before he lost the one person who had seen it and understood it. But he also could see the pain behind the man’s eyes so he simply kissed him and got out. 

He climbed slowly up to their apartment with his hands in his pockets. 

It was dark and quiet, the only sound was the heater kicking on in the vents. He stood in the living room, unsure of himself and unsure of the situation. He needed to figure out what he was feeling. He would never have guessed that his feelings might be less platonic than they originally were. He knew he loved being around Bucky, and Bucky always inspired him to be better, to do better, to draw better. Bucky helped him to be patient, to be careful, to focus. He relied on Bucky when he had questions, or when he really needed a heart to heart to figure something out. Bucky always listened, always heard him. Other people often looked past him, or at least he felt like they did, but never Bucky, Bucky was always intent on hearing him, on helping him. 

His feet found their way into Bucky’s room. He wasn’t sure why the pull was so strong, but it was. He sat down carefully on the unmade bed. Bucky never made his bed. He laid down carefully, and the smell of Bucky was all around him, a mix between sweat, engine oil, his shampoo, and something that was inherently Bucky. Steve stared at the ceiling, the same ceiling that Bucky always stared at. They rarely closed their bedroom doors, they were too comfortable around each other to need the barrier, and Steve had seen Bucky staring at the ceiling countless times. He’d wondered what Bucky was thinking. Now he wondered if Bucky was thinking of him. 

After a few minutes Steve stood up, he was too restless to stay there, he’d never been as comfortable with quiet meditation as Bucky was, he needed to do something while he thought. But Bucky could stare at the ceiling for hours, could sit on the couch without the tv on or his phone and be content to just think. It was what made him such a good model, if Steve wanted him to pose he’d just get lost in his thoughts. Did he ever think about Steve? He looked around the room, trying to figure out what these new feelings meant. Well, they weren’t exactly new, but the context was new. And he had no idea where they would take him. 

Suddenly he noticed the light from the hallway catch on some glass hidden underneath the bed. He knelt down and pulled it out. It was a whiskey bottle, half full. Of course he’d hidden one. Steve hated it when he drank, when he got sullen and frustrated. Why did he hate it so much? He hated it because it meant Bucky was less likely to talk to him, to sit with him or hang out. It made him less comfortable to be around. And Steve wanted to be around him. 

Steve moved back to the living room, bottle still in hand. He reached under the coffee table for one of his sketchbooks that he’d left there, sifting through it, looking at all the angles of Bucky he’d drawn. On a whim he opened the whiskey bottle and drank a little, appreciating the burn for the first time ever. Bucky would probably tear his head off, but he needed something to dull the feelings suddenly sprouting in his chest. He’d loved the way Bucky would pose for him, that little smile that would sit on his mouth when Steve asked him a sappy question. He loved the way they could sit for hours in silence, or spend hours talking about nothing and everything all at once. He’d stopped bringing people over because of the way Bucky reacted, and now that made sense. He wanted Bucky happy, in more than a lifelong friend way. Bucky’s happiness meant everything to him, that had been the reason he’d agreed to the stupid requirements Bucky made with his dates. 

He took another drink and tossed his sketchbook to the ground, pulling out his phone. He opened instagram on a whim, pulling up Bucky’s profile. The man hardly ever posted, and normally it had something to do with his car, or his job. Steve was the only person he’d ever posted about, and he never posted a selfie without Steve being in it as well. Even his profile picture had Steve in it. For the first time Steve realized that it might not be just a friend thing. 

He took another drink, and kept scrolling, moving to another app, searching out Bucky’s profile in each of them. Any story Buck posted, if it wasn’t about cars, his mom, or his job, it was about Steve. He’d never even posted anything with Natasha, even though they were definitely friends on each app. 

Steve felt himself getting a little dizzy with the whiskey, but kept drinking and scrolling. What if he was overthinking this? He and Bucky had always been close. But Evan had noticed, within an hour of just watching Bucky. How had Steve lived with him, but never noticed? 

He lost track of time, and lost track of how much he was drinking, too wrapped up in discovering Bucky all over again. The man’s smile was gorgeous, his brown hair always styled, even when he was working. He was muscular, his legs were long and he always wore the right clothes to bring attention to the dips and angles of his body. He even knew how to pull off that stupid blue jumpsuit he wore at the shop, other guys hated the jumpsuits because they weren’t flattering, but Bucky never complained, and he wore it well. The man knew how to flirt, he knew how to seduce. But he was also easily seduced, Steve had always seen that. 

Steve’s mind went back to the morning, weeks ago now, that Bucky had been hungover, badly. He’d allowed Steve to seduce him, and helped him understand why Patrick had been such an ass. Had he wanted Steve to seduce him? It had an effect on him either way, Steve remembered the way his eyes had widened and his pupils dilated. Steve’s own breath had caught, he’d loved the way Bucky’s breath brushed his cheeks. 

  
Steve’s mind was almost completely swallowed by the whiskey before the realization struck him. 

_ Shit. I’m in love with Bucky. _


	9. Chapter 9

_Oh My God They Were Roommates_

_Chapter 9_

It was almost two in the morning before Bucky got home. He wasn’t drunk, he’d made sure to stay in the comfortably buzzed zone so he could make it home before Steve got there. He always liked being there when Steve got home, so he could check in and make sure the night had gone right for his best friend.

He was so involved in his thoughts that he didn’t even notice the light on until he’d unlocked the door and stepped in. The living room and hallway lights were both on. Had they left them on before they headed out for the night? Or had Steve gotten home before him? That would definitely be a first. 

He stepped slowly toward the couch, not seeing Steve there until he’d come around it. Steve was passed out, sitting on the ground in front of the couch, his phone in his hand, his head resting against the cushions. There was also a nearly empty whiskey bottle resting against his thigh. 

Worry flooded Bucky. What had happened? Why hadn’t Steve let him know he’d come home? Why was he drinking Bucky’s whiskey? How had he even found the stuff? 

Bucky knelt down next to him, careful not to wake him up. He stared at his friend, enjoying the rare chance to watch him without the chance of being caught. Steve’s cheeks were flushed, his breathing was even. His lips looked so soft, he looked relaxed and rested. Bucky reached up and gently pushed his messy hair away from his forehead. What had happened to make him come home and drink? Why didn’t he just come back to the bar?

Several moments later Bucky moved the whiskey bottle and Steve’s phone to the coffee table and shook him awake. “Steve, Steve, wake up, buddy.”

His eyes fluttered open slowly, his long eyelashes caressing his cheeks. “Bucky?”

“Yeah, man, it’s me. What happened? What’s wrong?”

Steve closed his eyes again, his voice low and slurred when he replied. “I’m just dizzy, and really tired.”

Bucky chuckled. “Yeah, that’s what you get for getting into my whiskey. But I meant what happened on your date? You’re never home this early.”

Steve went very still suddenly, so still that Bucky wondered if he’d passed out again. “Steve?”

“Why do you think something happened? Evan is super nice, I liked him.”   
  


“Good, I’m glad. So what happened? Why are you home so early?”

His eyes opened again and he focused on Bucky with a strange intensity. “You. You happened.”

Bucky grimaced, he had hoped his attitude would go unnoticed, but apparently it had ruined Steve’s date. “Look, man, I’m sorry, I wasn’t a lot of fun tonight for anybody, I didn’t mean for it to ruin your date.”

Steve shook his head. “Not your fault, Evan started it.”

Now Bucky was confused. He shook his head and decided Steve was just too drunk to have many coherent thoughts. “Well, let’s just get you to bed, okay? You can tell me about it in the morning.”

He gently lifted Steve to his feet, and couldn’t stop the rush of pleasure when Steve collapsed against him, his arm going around his waist and his head dropping onto his shoulder. They moved slowly around the couch and down the hallway, but Steve stopped him suddenly when they reached his bedroom. 

His voice was low and slurring when he finally spoke. “Buck? Can I… can I stay with you?”

“Yeah, buddy, I’m always here for you, I’m not going anywhere.” 

“No, no, like, sleep with you?”

Bucky was confused again. Steve hadn’t asked him for much physical contact over the last few weeks at all, much less for them to sleep together. He wasn’t sure he had the control needed for that, if he was honest with himself. Steve looked almost angelic with the way his eyelids fluttered, his cheeks still flushed, he looked perfect. But he couldn’t say no to him, not when he desperately wanted the contact himself. 

“Okay, yeah, I can sleep with you tonight if you want, lay down and I’ll change and grab my stuff.”

Steve was suddenly shaking his head. “No, in your room, I want to be in your room.”

Bucky felt uncertain about that, he had nowhere to go if he needed to leave, if he couldn’t control himself. If they were in Steve’s room he could slip away to his own bed, but if Steve was in his bed? He didn’t know if he could handle that. But again, this was Steve, looking up at him so earnestly. He couldn’t say no. 

He nodded and moved them silently into his own room, helping Steve sit down on the bed. 

“Do you want me to grab you some sweats or anything? You never changed.”

Steve shook his head. He didn’t say anything else as he laid down and pulled the covers over himself. Bucky was confused, this wasn’t like Steve. He couldn’t pin it down, but there was something wrong, something different. Steve was being too quiet, too earnest, but at the same time almost confused himself. But that still didn’t quite describe it. He was just different. What had happened on his date?

Bucky changed quickly, he had wanted to shower, but didn’t want to leave Steve alone until he knew what had happened. He laid down next to his friend after turning off the lights, now wearing a comfortable tank top and shorts. Steve instantly moved closer, rolling so they were face to face. 

Bucky watched his friend, hoping for some sign to let him know what was going on behind those eyes. But the clear blue oceans were dark, and Bucky didn’t know if it was because of the whiskey or his thoughts. Steve’s hand came up to gently caress Bucky’s arm, following the designs on the inside of his forearm. 

Bucky loved it when he did that, it felt so nice, but so casual. He simply smiled as Steve closed his eyes but didn’t stop moving his fingers. Steve had created a lot of that tattoo, and Bucky considered it a very special part of himself, the sappy sentimental part of his brain telling him that it meant Steve would always be connected to him, a part of him, even in just this simple way. He had asked Steve to create the design without considering that it might become such a special thing to him. But he was so glad he had asked. The designs were beautiful, and a permanent physical imprint of Steve. Fitting, considering the man was also imprinted on his heart. 

Bucky looked back at Steve as the other man spoke, still quiet and slurring. “’m sorry you didn’t have fun tonight.”

He shook his head. “It’s okay, just wasn’t my night. I’m sorry that I ruined yours.”

“Didn’t ruin it. I just got distracted, couldn’t focus.”

“Hm.” Bucky considered that for a moment before asking. “What distracted you?”

Steve didn’t answer for a minute, his eyes still closed, and Bucky wondered if he was asleep again. Bucky reached out with his right arm and wrapped it around Steve’s waist, drawing the other man closer. The movement made Steve open his eyes, still a little unfocused and dark, but more aware and questioning. 

“Would you kiss me, Bucky?” His voice was hushed and slurring, but insistent.

Bucky’s breath left his lungs as he met Steve’s eyes. Why would he ask that? Where had that come from? He couldn’t seem to take in a breath as Steve’s gaze intensified. 

“I… what do you mean? How drunk are you?” He tried to play it off with humor, and hoped that his breathlessness wouldn’t be noticed. 

But Steve remained completely serious, his eyes watching Bucky carefully. “Would you kiss me? Right now?”

Bucky stared at him for a few moments before he sat up, pulling his arm away from Steve’s waist. “No, Steve, I… no.”

“Why not?” Steve didn’t sit up, but he turned so he could keep Bucky’s face within view.

“Because… that’s… you’re just drunk, go to sleep, you’ll feel better in the morning.” Bucky couldn’t seem to get his breath back, he stayed sitting up, turning away from the other man. 

Steve’s hand came up to his arm again. “But I… I want you to…”

He whirled around, staring at the blonde laying there, so perfect and beautiful in the moonlight. After a moment he couldn’t stop himself from reaching back, caressing Steve’s cheek gently. Would he even remember this tomorrow? Steve’s eyes closed gently at the touch, leaning in against Bucky’s hand. Bucky considered the request. Why would he ask something like that? What had happened? And more importantly, what would happen if Bucky did kiss him? Would he remember it tomorrow? Was this just some drunken horny request, or something more? Bucky realized, not for the first time, that he desperately wanted to kiss Steve. But this was the first time he could maybe get away with it. Steve probably wouldn’t even remember. Would kissing him make it easier or harder for Bucky? It would give him something to remember, something to cherish, but it might also make him more possessive and desperate. Plus taking advantage of Steve’s drunkenness would make Bucky no better than Alex, and he desperately wanted to be worthy of Steve, to protect him. 

He pulled away completely, ignoring Steve’s whimper at the loss of contact. “Steve, go to sleep.”

He got up without looking back at the beautiful man on the bed. If he looked back he might not be able to control himself. He moved into the living room, and dropped onto the couch, pulling their movie night blanket off the back of the couch and over himself. His breathing was still a little too fast and he wanted desperately to return to his bedroom and show Steve how he really felt, he wanted to feel the softness of Steve’s lips, wanted to caress his jawline and hear him whimper and groan. But he couldn’t take advantage of him, it would be wrong.

Bucky stayed on the couch, wrapped up in the blanket, purposefully tangled so he couldn’t get up easily. He was wrapped just as deeply in his thoughts, his eyes dark. He didn’t fall asleep until after the first touch of sunlight hit the sky. 

_IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII_

Steve woke up surrounded by Bucky. It took him several minutes to open his eyes, and it wasn’t until then that he realized he was alone. But he could smell Bucky. Where was he? He reached out, trying to find his friend, but the bed was empty. He sat up slowly, shielding his eyes against the bright sunlight coming through the window. 

He was in Bucky’s bed. That explained why everything smelled like Bucky. But why was he here? When had he gotten here? He remembered falling asleep against the couch, but everything else was blank. Had Bucky brought him in here? Oh no, what if he’d said something to Bucky? But his clothes were still on, so nothing crazy had happened. But why was he here and not in his own bed? Had he crawled in here drunk? 

He stood up slowly, realizing when he began to sway that his head was pounding. He glanced at his watch, Bucky didn’t need to be at work until two o’clock. It was only noon. Where was he?

Steve made his way slowly to the living room, his hand against the wall to steady himself. He finally found Bucky on the couch, curled up underneath their blanket, his breathing still steady in sleep. Steve sat down next to him, curious, and getting more and more desperate to know what had happened. Why was Bucky on the couch? 

He sat back and the movement caused the sleeping bundle to stir. His hand came up to his eyes as he raised his head. Then their eyes met. Steve was astounded at the flush that hit his friend’s cheeks. 

Despite the flush, Bucky’s voice was calm when he spoke. “Morning, Steve, how’d you sleep?”

Steve shrugged, still watching his friend closely. “Good, bad hangover though.”

That earned him a chuckle, though Steve thought it sounded a little forced. “I’m not surprised. I’ll have to find a new hiding spot for my whiskey.” He slowly pulled himself out of the blanket and stretched. 

“What happened? I don’t remember much… and I certainly don’t remember going into your room…” 

Bucky slowly sat down, but when he spoke Steve could hear the forced humor again. “You don’t remember asking to sleep with me?”

Well, that was new. The last time Steve had asked to sleep together was when he’d gotten drugged. It normally took a lot for Steve to be the one to ask, Bucky normally suggested it when he felt down and needed the extra support. Steve supposed figuring out he loved Bucky was enough for him to ask, but that didn’t mean he remembered asking. 

“Why are you on the couch then?” He rubbed his head, trying to think past the headache. 

Bucky laid his head back, closing his eyes. “You’re a blanket hog, and you pushed me off the bed.” 

Something about Bucky’s voice was off, Steve had never been a bed or blanket hog before. And Bucky wouldn’t look at him. What had happened? Was Bucky lying to him?

“Huh, I’m sorry, I guess, I don’t remember much…” 

“It’s okay, you were pretty out of it. But you never did tell me why you came home so early, just said you got distracted?”

Now it was Steve’s turn to avoid his eyes. “Uh, yeah, Evan was really nice, but it just didn’t work out.”

Bucky nodded, suddenly standing. “Well, I’m gonna shower and get ready for work, want me to make you some coffee?” 

“Uh, yeah, that’d be nice. I thought you didn’t have work till two?”

Bucky shrugged as he folded the blanket. “Peirce has been on my ass still for taking so much time off a couple weeks back, so I try to make it up to him by coming in early.” 

Steve accepted that as Bucky moved back into the hallway. He listened as Bucky got in the shower, then got ready for work. He still hadn’t moved from the couch when Bucky reappeared, his hair slicked back, his jumpsuit pulled up around his hips, not zipped up completely, revealing the thin t-shirt Bucky wore underneath, his muscles straining against the cotton. 

Steve felt himself blush and looked away quickly. How had he never noticed his feelings before? Just being in the same room with Bucky right now was making his stomach do weird things. 

He heard Bucky start the coffee but still didn’t move. He jumped when Bucky’s voice came from the doorway.

“You okay? You sure you don’t need more sleep?”

He looked around and shook his head. “No, I’m fine, just… confused, and trying to remember what happened. I guess.”

Bucky leaned against the door frame, folding his arms. The muscles in his arms bulged against his sleeves, and his tattoo stood out against the white cotton. Steve looked away again. “You don’t remember anything?”

Steve shook his head. “Not past passing out on the couch.”

“It’s okay, nothing exciting happened past that. I walked you to your room, but you told me you wanted to sleep with me. You passed out pretty quick once I got you laid down, then I came out here when you kicked me off the bed.”  
  


Again there was a strain of something underneath the words, as if Bucky was hiding something, or at least not telling the full truth. Steve simply nodded. 

“Okay, makes sense I guess, I just hate not remembering stuff.” If Bucky didn’t want to tell him maybe it wasn’t important. Steve didn’t want to push him, but it didn’t stop him from being curious and a little desperate. 

“I know, but if you want to remember stuff stay out of my whiskey.” 

Steve chuckled. Finally some honest humor from his friend. “Yeah. I guess that’s fair.”

He didn’t say anything else and Bucky left for work a few minutes later. Steve was surprised he hadn’t said anything else. Just a half hearted wave. Weird. What had happened?

He sat in silence for another few minutes, then reached for his phone. He dialed Natasha without really thinking it through. Steve wasn’t really close to her, but Bucky was, maybe Bucky had talked to her about it.

_“Hello?”_

Steve suddenly regretted calling her. “Um, hey, Natasha, it’s Steve. Um. How are you doing?”

_“I’m doing pretty good. Just enjoying my Saturday. How’s yours so far? Oh, and how was your date last night?”_

He bit his cheek. “Uh, good, I’m okay, just, sorry, this is weird, I don’t know why I called you, I just, I’m a little worried and I figured you might be able to help? Sorry, this is weird.”

He heard her chuckle through the line. _“It’s okay, not weird, I was wondering when we’d get to be phone call close. What can I help you with?”_ She sounded appropriately curious so he pushed on.

“Well, um, so last night kinda ended weird. Um, and Bucky won’t talk to me today, I’m pretty sure he lied to me, and he’s never lied to me before… I just wondered if he’d talked to you?”

She was quiet for a minute. _“What happened?”_

He sighed. “Has he talked to you?”

_“Tell me what happened, and then I’ll answer that.”_

He grumbled, his head in his hands, he should have expected that. “Okay, fine. Um, last night I came home early, I had a lot on my mind, cut the date short. I might have gotten into Bucky’s whiskey, and passed out on the couch. I can’t remember what happened after that, but I woke up in Bucky’s room and Bucky was on the couch. I’m just confused. Has he talked to you?”

She laughed on the other side. _“Oh my goodness, this is good. No, he has not said anything, what happened? Oh my god, I need this gossip. You don’t remember anything?”_

He sighed again, her giggle putting him on edge. “No, Nat, I don’t remember anything, I only called you cause I thought he might have talked to you. Stop laughing, this isn’t funny.”

_“Did you say anything to him last night? And why were you drinking? You hate it when we drink. You had a Pepsi on a Friday night, for fucks sake.”_

He sighed. “That’s not a detail that matters.”

_“Oh, but it does. Especially now that you’re avoiding the question. Tell me and I’ll ask Bucky what’s bothering him for you.”_

She sounded far too excited, but his desire to figure it out overrode his desire for secrecy. “You can’t tell him you talked to me, at all, you figure out what’s bugging him without telling him I asked you to ask.”

_“Okay, okay, I accept. Now spill. Evan seemed nice, what happened?”_

He sighed, rubbing his eyes again. “He… Oh my god, I swear you say anything about this to Bucky I will take your fucking head off, I’m not joking.”

She laughed again. _“Oh, fuck, it’s that good? I swear, I won’t, please tell me what happened!”_

He blew out his breath. “Evan made a comment that got me thinking… I always assumed Bucky was just protective of me, since I got drugged. But Evan said that he was more than just protective, he was being... possessive… He said that Bucky… has feelings for me… like, more than friend feelings….”

Natasha had gone silent on the other line. 

He pushed forward, suddenly wanting to get it out of his head. “I never saw that, but once Evan mentioned it I realized he might be onto something, and then I started thinking about my feelings toward Bucky… and I… I got drunk, I didn’t want to think about it. I don’t know what this means for… us… I mean, I don’t want him to leave me. But now I’m afraid that I said something, and that he will, and I don’t want to lose him. Not now… especially not now…” 

He waited agonizing minutes for her to say something. Finally he heard her sigh. 

_“Fuck, oh this is too good. Oh my god, I have to tell Clint, this is amazing. Okay, Steve, I’ll call Bucky in a bit to ask him what’s up, and I’ll let you know. Oh my god, this is great.”_

Worry flooded him. “Why is this great? What the fuck, Nat, tell me what’s going on, please.”

She laughed again. _“I can’t tell you, I’m sorry, I can’t, this is just so amazing. I promise I won’t tell him anything you just said. But I have to ask. Did you figure out what you felt toward him?”_

He sat in silence for a moment, trying to find the courage to say it out loud. But he couldn’t. “I… I can’t say it… not out loud… I don’t know what it means… I just… I can’t.”

She seemed to understand because she didn’t push it past that. _“Okay, okay. Um, give me a little bit, I’ll give him a call. I promise I won’t mention anything about this call.”_

She hung up without another word.

Steve sat with his head in his hands for a long time. 

_IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII_

Bucky stepped back to assess the work done so far. He had abandoned the rusty car in the yard for today, opting to help Peter with a paint job for a client instead. The full service shop offered a lot of options for clients who wanted custom work done, Bucky’s favorite thing to do was the paint jobs. This one was rather tame, considering it was going on a Dodge Charger, but the stripes and edging would take at least a couple of days to complete. 

He was getting ready to dive into it with Peter when his phone buzzed in his jumpsuit pocket. He removed one of his gloves and pulled it out. It was Nat, damn it, he didn’t feel like talking to her. But he knew she wouldn’t stop calling. 

He removed his respirator and glanced at Peter. “I gotta take this real fast, I’ll be right back, go ahead and get started.”

He closed the door to the paint garage behind him and answered. “Hello?”

_“Hey, lover boy, how’s your day?”_

“I’m really busy, Nat, I don’t have time to chat. I’m not really in the mood.”

_“Why? What’s wrong? Wait, is it Steve? Did something happen?”_ She sounded genuinely worried so he sighed and answered the question. 

“No, Steve’s fine… or at least… nothing, he’s fine, he’s at home. I’m in the middle of a paint job though.”

_“At least, what? Did his date do something again? Man, Evan seemed so nice.”_

Ah, so that was the name of his date, Evan. Stupid name. 

“No, I don’t think anything happened. He’s just really hung over. He got into my whiskey stash.”

_“Whoa, what? I’m gonna need a little more than that. How did he find it? Were you not there to stop him?”_

He sighed, her giggle a little too happy for his current mood. “Nat, ugh, I don’t have time to tell you, I just need to go back to work.”

_“Oh come on, don’t leave me hanging!”_

He closed his eyes, slapping his glove against his thigh. “Fine, long story short, I got home last night, and he was passed out on the couch, I don’t know what happened, because he wouldn’t tell me. All he would say is that he got distracted during the date and couldn’t focus enough, so Ivan, or whatever his name was, drove him home. I don’t know what made him get into the whiskey, and I don’t know how he found it.”

_“And? What else? You’re hiding something, tell me.”_

He growled. “Oh my god, Nat, fine.” He rubbed his eyes, nursing a headache himself now. When he continued his voice was lower. “I tried to get him to go to bed and he asked to sleep with me. Not like _that_ kind of sleep, just sleep, it’s actually not weird for us, we’ve done it for years. So I carried him into my room, laid him down. I asked him what distracted him and he… he asked me… fuck you, Nat, he asked me to kiss him, okay? And he was just there, and… and he was gorgeous… and I wanted to so fucking bad, but I couldn’t, okay? So I left, and I slept on the couch, and… I… I don’t know, Nat, I don’t know, I’m just… I don’t know!” He was slightly hysterical, and more than a little desperate as he finished. He didn’t know what to think, still struggling with wondering why Steve would ask him something like that. 

She was quiet for a few moments and Bucky considered hanging up. She finally spoke. 

_“He asked you to kiss him?? Like, really? Like, actually kiss him?”_

“Yes, Nat, really, if he hadn’t would I be this hysterical over it?” He tried to keep his voice down, but knew that it wasn’t really working.

_“But you didn’t? You didn’t kiss him?”_

“No, of course not!” Bucky took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. “He was drunk, I wanted to, almost did, but I couldn’t take advantage of him like that, that would make me worse than Alex, and I couldn’t do that to him. Plus.. if he wants me to kiss him… I want him to be able to remember it. I… I don’t know, I just couldn’t.” 

She suddenly giggled. _“Oh my god, did you ask him about it? He doesn’t remember it at all? What if he actually does want you to kiss him??”_

“No, I didn’t talk to him about it. I had to leave for work by the time he woke up. He didn’t remember anything… What if he was just drunk and horny? I can’t talk to him about it. If he remembers maybe I will, but I’m not bringing it up. I’d rather just think that he really did want me to kiss him, but forgot, I don’t want him to get embarrassed and admit that he was just drunk and horny.” 

She giggled again and he growled. “Nat, seriously, I have to go. That’s all the gossip I have for you and Clint, and I have a job to do.”

_“Okay, okay,”_ Her calm soothed him a little. _“Go back to work, stop worrying about it, if you’re not gonna bring it up what’s the point in getting all hysterical?”_

“I have to go, I’ll talk to you later, right now I need to go.”

_“Alright, alright, have a good day at work, lover boy.”_

He hung up and sighed. The point, Natasha, was that he wanted to replay those moments in his mind. His beautiful Steve laying in his bed, asking to be kissed. Those beautiful eyes drowning him in desire. Steve’s fingers ghosting over his skin. He wanted to get lost in daydreams about what might have happened if he’d had the courage to say yes, to show Steve how much he meant to him. 

He took a deep breath and snapped his respirator into place. Right now he needed to focus. 

_IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII_

“I did what??” Steve nearly dropped the phone as he jumped to his feet, his hand flew to his hair, and he suddenly couldn’t breathe. 

Natasha tried to soothe him from the other side of the phone. _“Hey, calm down, he didn’t actually kiss you, but you asked him to. That’s why he went to the couch.”_

Steve felt the horror settle over him as he dropped back down. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. Goddammit, what the fuck am I supposed to do now?? Fuck me, I can’t believe this, that’s why he wouldn’t talk to me, I fucking ruined it.”

Natasha giggled through the phone. _“You didn’t ruin it, calm down, he’s probably just processing it still. It’ll settle back to normal… or…”_

He waited but she didn’t continue. “Or what? Fucking tell me!”

She giggled again. _“Or you could talk to him about it. Pretend that you remembered it, obviously, don’t mention me or he’ll know you asked me to ask. But you could ask why he didn’t? Might shed some light on your relationship a little. And who knows, maybe if you ask sober he will? You know him better than me, so I couldn’t tell you, but ya know, maybe.”_

Steve considered that, it might be the easiest way to clear the air, and Evan’s advice had been the same. “But what if it turns out he didn’t want to kiss me? What happens then? I don’t want to ruin this.” 

_“If he seems uncomfortable with the idea of kissing you, just tell him you were drunk and didn’t mean anything by it. It’ll be awkward for a bit, but then it’ll go back to normal.”_

He sighed. “Okay, fine, I’ll talk to him. I just don’t want to lose him. Even if I can’t have him like that, I can’t lose him as a friend.” 

She hummed, but he couldn’t tell what it meant. _“Well, have a good day, and um, let me know how it works out, you know me, I love the gossip.”_

He hung up without replying. She was right, he needed to talk to Bucky, clear the air. If Evan was right it would change their relationship, for better or for worse. But if there was any chance that he could keep Bucky, he needed to take it. 

But first, he needed to be presentable. He quickly got up, showered, and dressed. He smoothed his hair back with gel, taking more care than usual with his appearance. The nerves in his stomach were getting a bit much, but it was now or never.

He left for the shop, hoping against hope that this wouldn’t backfire.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The moment we've all been waiting for! Enjoy!

_ Oh My God They Were Roommates _

_ Chapter 10 _

Steve glanced at Bucky’s mustang as he approached the warehouse. His nerves were getting to him, he’d nearly turned around four times on the way here, and the urge to do so was strong now. But he pushed forward, he needed answers, he needed to clear the air between them. 

He skirted the main building completely, heading back toward the old car Bucky was rebuilding. He didn’t want to talk to anyone besides Bucky, afraid he’d lose his nerve. He almost lost it when he realized the tarp of tools was gone, and Bucky was nowhere near the car. He teetered on the edge of leaving again, but eventually turned toward the office. An older guy with shaggy grey hair was behind the counter. 

“Hey, I’m a friend of Bucky’s, I was wondering if he was around. He said he was working today?”

The man nodded. “Yup, he’s doing a paint job with Peter right now, it’s a bit of an urgent job. But I think they break for dinner in a half hour, if you want to wait around. Or I could pull him out if it’s just a quick thing.”

Steve mused for a second. “Nah, it’s okay, I’ll just wait for his break.” He moved to one of the old chairs that lined the wall. His knee bounced nervously, and he pulled his phone out, hoping for a distraction. It didn’t help much, his thoughts too scattered and confused to focus. 

It was nearly forty minutes later that Steve heard Bucky’s laugh. He stood quickly, brushing his fingers through his hair and smoothing down his shirt. He blew out his breath, trying to calm his racing heart. 

When Bucky rounded the corner and caught sight of him, he was surprised. Steve could tell, and instantly he felt bad for coming. 

“Hey, Steve, what’s up?” Bucky approached him, curiosity evident, as he unzipped his jumpsuit and stripped it from his shoulders. 

It took some concentration to keep himself from staring at the movement of the ink over his muscular arms. “Um, I just wanted to talk to you… if you had some time… Your boss said you had a break?”

Bucky nodded, his eyes hooded, Steve couldn’t tell what he was thinking. “Yeah, I was gonna hit up Taco Bell, there’s one not far from here. You coming?” That last part was directed at Peter, who had followed Bucky out of the garage. 

Peter shook his head. “Nah, I brought food, you guys have fun.”

Bucky nodded at the door. “I only have thirty minutes, let’s go.”

Steve followed him out, still unsure of himself, but a little more confident now that he was in action. 

Bucky glanced at him over his shoulder. “You driving? I’ll pay for food.”

Steve nodded. “Yeah, sounds good to me.”

They drove in silence, Steve uncomfortable, wanting to get it over with, but not sure how to start the conversation. 

Bucky cleared his throat as they neared the restaurant. “You said you wanted to talk? Couldn’t just text me?”

Steve let out his breath, smiling, glad for the humor. It diffused the thick tension between them. Or maybe Steve was the only one who thought there was tension, he couldn’t tell. 

“Ugh, yeah, about last night… I…” He decided to go with what Nat suggested. “I kind of remembered something, and I just was worried… I’m kind of hoping it didn’t happen… but... thought I’d check… ya know?”

He glanced over at Bucky and then away quickly. Bucky had gone still, his arms crossed. His defensive stance, when emotions were getting a little too strong. 

Steve regretted saying anything, this was a bad idea. Bucky was gonna shut down on him.

“Well? What do you remember? You said earlier you didn’t remember anything…” 

Steve nodded. He was in this, so he may as well finish, whatever happened. “Uhh, it was fuzzy this morning, but um… did I…” He blew out his breath. “Did I ask you to kiss me?”

They pulled into the restaurant, Steve opted for the drive through, he didn’t really feel like having this discussion around people, and Bucky made no comment on it. He simply shifted in his seat, glancing out the window before he raised a hand to his hair, combing his fingers through it. 

“Yeah, yeah, you did.” Steve barely heard it, he said it so quietly. 

He shut his eyes and banged his head on the headrest. “I was kind of hoping it was a dream.”

Bucky chuckled suddenly, a little dark. “You have dreams like that often?”

The comment allowed Steve to laugh, he felt the tension drain away, the discomfort remained. “No, um, not really. Last night was… enlightening.”

He managed another glance at Bucky. He’d shifted, angling his body so he could watch Steve. Steve felt himself flush. 

“There’s one thing I don’t remember though…” 

“Yeah?” 

“Did you…” He chuckled and finally looked over. “Did you?”

Bucky smirked at him before looking away. “You need to pull forward.” 

The car in front of them had moved up, Steve followed. 

“No, Steve, I didn’t, it’s not my style to take advantage of inebriated retards, I thought you knew that.”

Steve laughed again, shaking his head, about to make a retort on the retard comment. Then suddenly the words sunk in. “Wait, your only issue with… it… was that I was drunk?”

Bucky shifted again and Steve watched him carefully. “Steve… I… I’ve told you before, I know a good looking guy when I see one. I’m glad I met you, I love being your friend.”

Steve narrowed his eyes. “Thank you, I love being yours… but that… didn’t really answer my question…”

Bucky shrugged against the door. “Did for me.”

Steve chewed on his lip for a minute. “So… hypothetically… if I asked you when I was sober…?” He let the question go unfinished, hoping Bucky would understand.

Their eyes met across the space between them. Bucky’s gaze was intense, but Steve didn’t want to look away. 

“Hypothetically?” 

Steve nodded slowly. “Sure.”

Bucky licked his lips, and Steve couldn’t help but follow the movement with his eyes. 

“I don’t work well with hypotheticals, Steve, you know me better than that.”

Steve turned his attention back to the drive thru, and moved up again. They were next in line. He knew he only had a few moments to decide how deep he wanted to wade into this. Finally he pulled in a breath. 

“Okay, yeah. Fair enough.” He put the car in park, and turned his attention completely to the man in the passenger seat. He took a deep breath, shifting to turn his body toward Bucky, mirroring him. “Okay, without hypotheticals. Kiss me?”

He saw Bucky’s eyes widen and his arms relaxed slightly. He looked at Steve, eyes raking over him. “Steve… I…”

Steve’s stomach dropped and he looked down, then back up. “So no? You don’t want to?”

Bucky shook his head. “No, Steve, that’s not… Do you know what you’re saying?”

Steve straightened, leaning forward. “Yes, I do, Bucky. Will you kiss me?”

There was another moment where Bucky sat there, unsure, his arms still folded. Steve was about to lean away, turn back to the wheel as disappointment pooled in his stomach, when suddenly Bucky surged forward, one hand going to the back of Steve’s head, pulling him down. 

Their lips crashed together, and Steve closed his eyes. He didn’t respond immediately, taking in the feel of Bucky’s lips. They were slightly chapped from the garage, but they were firm, almost desperate against his. Steve responded, just as desperate, just as firm. 

It didn’t last nearly long enough. Bucky pulled away, his hand slipping off Steve’s shoulder. His eyes were wide, and Steve noticed his dilated pupils. They watched each other for a moment, taking the other in. Steve felt warmth spread from the point on the back of his neck where Bucky’s hand had been. It spread through his whole body, and he almost shivered. 

He watched Bucky carefully, the other man’s breathing had picked up a little, heavy in the silence that filled the car. 

Steve swallowed and licked his lips again. “Kiss me, Buck?”

Bucky started to lean forward again, but stopped. “Really?” The word was barely a whisper, but Steve nodded. 

“Kiss me, Buck.”

Bucky’s hand came back to his neck and this time Steve met him halfway. His own hand reached out, grasping onto Bucky’s shoulder, pulling him in closer. The second kiss was just as desperate, even harder as they each pulled the other in. 

Suddenly the car behind them honked. They broke apart and Steve looked forward. It was their turn. His breathing was heavy, and a glance at Bucky told him he was equally breath taken. 

He made a sudden decision, taking the car out of park, he pulled away from the drive thru, quickly parking in one of the open spaces in the back of the parking lot. He knew Bucky needed to eat, but there was no way he himself could focus on a menu or other people right now, he was desperate for the moment to continue, unsure if another one like this would ever happen. He hoped it would, but he couldn’t be sure. At this moment his only thoughts were of Bucky and his kisses. 

He turned back to the other man, who didn’t seem surprised or put off by the sudden and obvious change in plan. He mostly looked unsure, his arms had gone back across his chest as he leaned his back against the door, his eyes still wide, breathing still heavy. 

Steve reached for him, grabbing his wrist and pulling him forward. “Kiss me, Bucky, please…”

Bucky’s face finally relaxed into a smile as he moved forward, following the guidance of Steve’s pull. His hand came up again and he gently caressed Steve’s cheek. Steve closed his eyes and leaned into it. The fingers were rough, Bucky’s manual labor reflected in them, but they were gentle. 

Suddenly Bucky’s lips were against his again, but this time it was different. They were soft, only slightly insistent, warm against Steve’s. Bucky’s fingers continued to gently stroke his skin, and Steve nearly whimpered when he pulled away again. 

“Steve…” 

He opened his eyes, suddenly frustrated that Bucky was trying to talk to him, for once not feeling the need to talk everything through. He just wanted those gentle lips on his again. 

“Buck, please. Please, don’t talk, just kiss me. I want you to kiss me.” 

Bucky’s grey eyes never left his, his pupils were blown completely, and Steve saw something in them that had never been there before. He couldn’t name it, but he wanted it to stay there. 

Then Bucky nodded. “Are you sure?”

Steve closed his eyes, nodding. “Yes, dammit, Bucky, kiss me.”

And he did, over and over again, each kiss different than the last. They pushed and pulled on each other, drawing ragged breaths only when they needed to, crashing their lips back together at the next possible moment. Steve lost track of how long it lasted, but he cherished every second, every new sensation, every movement, every touch. Bucky’s fingers found their way to Steve’s hair, threading through it gently. Steve mirrored him, suddenly remembering through the haze how it had made Bucky respond before. He pulled, and Bucky groaned, Steve pulled him closer. 

Bucky changed angles again, suddenly pushing against Steve lips, gently shoving them open and threading his tongue through Steve’s teeth. The sensations pulled a moan from Steve’s throat. By the time Bucky finally pulled away again Steve could hardly breathe, much less think. 

Bucky pulled his head down until their foreheads were resting against each other. They both panted, sharing the inch of air between them. 

Steve saw Bucky close his eyes. “Fuck, Steve,” 

Steve chuckled, but couldn’t find words. 

“Oh, Steve, you are gorgeous,” Bucky shook his head against Steve’s gently. “You are so gorgeous.” It took another moment before Bucky pulled away completely, letting his fingers slide down Steve’s arm. “But I have to go back to work…” 

Steve nodded, barely hearing the words as he took in the sight of his friend. Bucky’s eyes were still wide, but now they were hazy, his pupils dilated to the point where the steel grey surrounding them nearly disappeared. His lips were red and a little puffy from the pressure of their kisses. His hair was wrecked, the gel no match for Steve’s rough grip. Steve had never seen anybody look as sexy or beautiful before. 

He reached out, caressing Bucky’s cheek, feeling the heat there, but Bucky’s hand came up and pulled his away.

He shook his head, still breathless. “Fuck, Steve, don’t look at me like that. I can’t, I have to get back to work.” 

Steve closed his eyes, taking in another deep breath. He nodded. “Okay, yeah, I’ll drive you back.” 

He pulled his hand away, turning in his seat, but it was another several moments before he had the presence of mind to put the car in reverse and pull out of the parking spot. They sat in silence for a few moments, and then Bucky reached up to the visor, pulling it out and flipping open the mirror, he started to rake his fingers through his hair, smoothing it. 

Steve chuckled. “Sorry, I-”

“Don’t,” Bucky cut him off with a quick look and a firm shake of his head. “Don’t you dare apologize for that.” 

Steve glanced over at him, smiling softly. “I wasn’t apologizing for that… your hair, sorry, I didn’t mean to mess it up.” 

Bucky’s face relaxed again. “Oh, it’s fine, nobody really cares at the shop anyway.” 

Steve nodded, suddenly the urge to talk rushed back, and he couldn’t stop himself. “Bucky, you are amazing, I’m sorry that I caught you off guard like that, I just… last night, Evan was talking about you, and he made me realize that I care for you, you always take care of me, you’re always watching. And I love that, I love being cared for, and I want to care for you too, I want you to be happy, and I don’t know if I can make that happen, but I want to try, I want to try to make you happy.” 

He glanced over in time to see the smile grow across Bucky’s swollen lips. It was a few moments before he responded. “Thank you, Steve… I… Thank you.”

“I don’t know what this means yet, but I have never felt this way before. Everyone else is nice, but this… it’s almost electric, and I don’t want that to stop. I love this feeling, I love the feeling of you, and I know I’ve never really felt you, not like this before, but I want to keep this, I want you.”

Bucky was staring at him, his eyes were wide, and he was smiling. “Yeah, Steve, yeah.”

They pulled into the parking lot of the garage, Steve wanted to keep talking, to say more, but Bucky reached for the door handle. 

“I’ve got to get to work, but… thank you, Steve. Thanks for lunch.” The humour in his eyes made Steve blush.

“Sorry, you’re probably hungry-” 

Bucky cut him off again, this time with a quick but firm kiss on his lips. “Don’t apologize, don’t you dare.” 

He kissed him again, just another firm peck, and then he got out. He closed the door and walked away, straightening his shirt and pulling on his jumpsuit as he headed toward the garage. He turned back as he reached the door and waved, a smile still lighting his features.

Steve waved back, relaxing into his seat. What the hell had just happened? 

He drove home in a daze, reliving the last half an hour over and over. 

_ IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII _

Bucky was driving. He didn’t know where, and he had lost track of how long, but he kept going. He hadn’t gone home after work, couldn’t. His mind was frenzied, never able to actually settle on one thought for too long. He had hoped that he’d be able to clear his head with the drive, he had the windows rolled down and his music was loud, but it wasn’t helping. 

He continued to go back to those moments in the parking lot of the Taco Bell. Steve’s lips on his, Steve’s hands in his hair. It had been bliss. It had completely distracted him for the rest of the day and he still couldn’t get his mind off of it. It had made him so happy, and it also explained why Steve had come home early from his date. He would have to ask for the full story later. 

It had taken him by surprise, when he’d shown up at the shop Bucky got scared, especially when he’d said he wanted to talk. But when he’d asked to be kissed? He’d been intent, focused, and Bucky wasn’t sure at first that he meant it. But his reaction… Bucky had never heard Steve sound like that, for all the men he’d brought over, he’d never asked so desperately for something before, and his moan, he wanted to keep hearing that. He still almost didn’t believe that it had actually happened.

He couldn’t believe his luck, he’d been pining for the man for months, hoping for the chance to feel those lips and those hands, but never expecting it to actually happen. And he definitely never expected it to happen like this. But he couldn’t complain, it was bliss, he felt like he was dreaming. Steve had seemed so unsure at first, but then he’d basically taken over and Bucky didn’t know how to respond. 

He took a deep breath, tightening his grip on the wheel. He needed to head home.

But Steve’s touch, his hands, and his lips. Bucky could spend hours thinking of those lips. They were soft but so firm, and when they’d finally pulled apart they were red, puffy, and Bucky did that. He’d made him moan, for heaven's sake, the sound had been blissful. The way their lips crashed together, and Steve had pulled him in, begged him. Bucky made Steve react that way, and he still couldn’t believe it. 

And those moments before Steve had dropped him off, Steve had basically poured his heart out, and it made Bucky so happy. He should go home and see Steve again, he wanted to hear more, wanted to feel Steve against him again. But he couldn’t, not until he knew what to say back… He had never been as good as Steve at expressing himself, could never find the right words. 

He wondered if Steve had noticed when he hadn’t responded verbally. It scared him.... What if Steve didn’t want to talk to him because he hadn’t really responded? He responded physically, that he had made sure of, but verbally he sucked. Steve needed words, that was something that was important to him. What if Bucky couldn’t give him that? Bucky couldn’t fail Steve, not like this. 

Until he knew what to say he couldn’t go home, he couldn’t. 

His phone buzzed again. It had been doing that for the last little while, but he left it on the seat, knowing it was Steve, and not knowing what to say. But this time it wasn’t stopping. 

He reached for it, and when he saw that it was Natasha, not Steve, he answered. 

“What’s up?”

_ “Where the hell are you? You were supposed to be here almost an hour ago, we were waiting for you, but Clint got annoyed and ordered your drink.” _

“Oh, shit, sorry, I forgot about the bar tonight, I’m not gonna make it.”

_ “Why, where are you?” _

He glanced at the next traffic sign. “Somewhere called Stamford? I don’t know, driving.”

_ “What happened?”  _ She sounded suddenly sympathetic. But he didn’t want to talk about it. 

“Nat, I promise I’ll make it up to you tomorrow, I’m not talking right now though, I’m not in the mood, and I’m serious, leave me alone, please?”

She paused before answering, and he assumed she was deciding if she should push him. Apparently she decided to leave him alone.  _ “Okay, I will, but just… let us know if you need us. And I’m holding you to tomorrow, be there.” _

“Thank you, I’ll be there. Sorry, I’m just… thanks, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

_ “See you later,” _

He hung up and glanced at his screen. He only cared when he realized one of the messages displayed was from his mom. He flicked it open, completely ignoring anything with Steve’s name on it. 

_ Mama 11:55 PM _

_ Hi, honey, I was wondering if you’d come to church tomorrow? I know it’s a bit of a drive, but Rebecca can’t make it, and I’d love it if you joined me. _

_ Me 12:05 AM _

_ Yeah, of course, want me to pick you up? _

He almost threw the phone back on the seat when he saw her reply. She was up awfully late, especially since church was early. 

_ Mama 12:07 AM _

_ You can just meet me there, I’ll look forward to catching up with you, it’s been a while since we talked.  _

_ Me 12:10 AM _

_ You know I always love talking to you, I’ll see you tomorrow.  _

She didn’t reply and he kept driving. 

But finally curiosity got the better of him and he opened Steve’s messages. There were only four of them, surprisingly. 

_ Steve 9:45 PM _

_ I made dinner, figured you’d be hungry when you got home. It’s hot when you get here.  _

_ Steve 10:40 PM _

_ Are you okay? You’re normally home by now… _

_ Steve 11:15 PM _

_ I’m starting to worry, can you text me? Just let me know you’re okay… If this is because of earlier… I’m sorry, just... come home? _

_ Steve 11:50 PM _

_ Okay, I know you’re gonna hate me for this, but I called your mom… I was hoping you’d gone up there to visit… I figured you were avoiding me, maybe you’d gone up there, turns out I just made her worry… I’m sorry, but I stand by the fact that you haven’t messaged me for over six hours and I’m just worried about you.  _

Bucky shook his head. That was why his mom asked him to come to church, it made a lot more sense now. He guessed he should head home. If Steve had been worried enough to call his mom that meant he was more worried than usual. 

The drive back was a lot shorter than he wanted it to be. His thoughts still whirled around the way Steve felt against him, his hands, his hair and the silky way it ran through Bucky’s fingers. His breath against his cheeks, the way his blue eyes went hazy afterwards. It was all he could think about, the man was consuming his every thought.

His phone buzzed again as he pulled into their parking lot. 

_ Steve 12:57 AM  _

_ Okay, I get it, you don’t want to talk, but I’m not going to sleep until you get home. I care too much about you, and I’m really worried. Either text me, or come home. Preferably both. Please? _

Bucky parked and turned off the car. He stared at his phone. How did Steve do it? He was so open, he could admit to caring and worrying so easily, but Bucky couldn’t. He couldn’t even find the words to say anything, much less what he was actually feeling. 

Bucky carefully made his way to the apartment, the lights in the living room and kitchen not escaping his notice. He unlocked and slipped into the apartment. He heard Steve in the kitchen and took a breath, unzipping his jumpsuit and pulling it down.

“Steve? I’m… I’m back.”

There was a rush of footsteps and Steve rounded the corner, catching himself on the door frame. “Bucky, god, I’ve been so worried. Where have you been?”

Bucky shrugged and headed toward the hallway. “Driving, thinking. Sorry I worried you, I know I should have texted but… I’m just gonna head to bed.”

“Whoa, wait, I wanted to talk, are you okay?” 

Bucky forced himself to stop, fighting the desire to rush down the hallway to the solitude of his room. “I’m good, yeah, mostly. Just a lot of thoughts and stuff.”

Steve came up behind him, but Bucky didn’t turn around. He stared at the ground, his hands in his jumpsuit pockets, waiting for Steve to say whatever was on his mind. 

“You scared the shit out of me. What happened?”

Bucky just sighed. “I’m fine, sorry I worried you, I really didn’t mean to.” 

“Bucky, talk to me.” Steve gently pulled on his arm, forcing him to turn around and face him. “What happened?” 

He could hardly face the blue eyes staring down at him. The confusion and fear and wonder that had been plaguing him for hours rushed back even stronger. He tried to get lost in the clear oceans, but the whirlwind in his mind held him back. 

“We happened, Steve,  _ we _ happened, and I don’t know what to do about it.”

That made Steve drop his arm and step back, the disappointment in his eyes was also obvious in his voice. “Oh, I had wondered… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make things awkward or… whatever.” 

Bucky shook his head, knowing that that was what Steve would assume. “No, Steve, I’m not saying…that I don’t want this, I’m just...” 

Steve didn’t move any closer, and his expression told Bucky that he wasn’t convinced. 

“Steve, I promise, that’s not what this is… I just have to clear my head, my brain’s been going a hundred miles an hour, and I’ve been trying to get things straight.” 

He nodded, but still didn’t make eye contact. Bucky got a little desperate. He needed Steve to understand, this was so important. 

He closed the space between them, reaching for Steve, pulling him down. He pressed their lips together, trying to convey all the confusion and desire and need that he’d felt over the last few hours to the other man. He needed Steve to understand, and since words were failing him, he hoped this would work. Steve responded to it, his hands going to his hips, Bucky pressed closer, desperate intensity fueling him. He didn’t have the words, but prayed this was saying everything for him. 

When he finally pulled away he did so slowly, savoring the gentle ending. He stroked Steve’s cheek, watching as his eyes fluttered open. They slowly settled on him, and Bucky finally had some words. 

“Steve, I promise, I want you. You said it so eloquently in the car, but I’m not like you, I don’t have words all the time, the emotions in my head can’t find a way out. So I was hoping that I could find words to tell you, to show you, what you mean to me. I want this, but I need to be able to say those things first, it’s important to me that you hear them. But I don’t have them yet, I just need time to find the right words.”

Steve nodded, but it was more like he was acknowledging that words were said, rather than understanding what they meant, like the nod he’d given in the car. 

“Steve, do you understand what I’m saying? I just need time, a couple days to get my head screwed on right.”

His eyes suddenly came into focus. “A couple days?”

Bucky pulled him closer, not kissing, but wanting the proximity. “I want this, but it’s important to me that you hear what I’m feeling. I just don’t have words yet.”

Steve nodded. “I understand… but you know that you don’t have to have the words, right? I know you, Bucky, I didn’t start this thinking that you would be able to spill your heart out. That’s my thing, and I know that, you don’t have to have the words for me to still want this.” 

“I know, I know that… I’m just trying to think… I know that words are important to you and I want to give them to you.”

Steve finally nodded again, he let go and stepped back, and Bucky hated it. “Okay, I get it, so you want me to leave you alone? What do you want from me?”

Bucky reached for him again, but Steve stepped away. He couldn’t help the stab of despair the movement caused him. “Steve, I want you, I want you to be my friend and… and more. You… I want… I...” He turned away, his hands going to his hair, desperate but not knowing how to express himself. 

He took several breaths, trying to calm his thoughts, figure out what he wanted to say. He needed Steve to understand, but how could he explain when his own mind didn’t fully understand? 

He felt a hand on his arm and he turned around again. Steve was there, his expression soft. He pulled Bucky in and Bucky went, allowing Steve to wrap his arms around him. 

“Hey, it’s okay. I think I understand. You don’t have to stress about it, we’ll just chill tomorrow, you’ve been wanting to have a Star Wars marathon, we can just relax and you can think, and I’ll be here when you’re ready.”

Bucky pressed against his shoulder, and nodded, his voice was choked when he responded. “Okay, I’m sorry, I’m just… I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Bucky felt Steve rake fingers through his hair and it calmed him. “You don’t have to be sorry, Buck, we’ll figure this out, it’s new and that can be crazy. Did you want anything to eat before you go to bed? Have you eaten anything today?”

Bucky shook his head, not moving away from Steve’s embrace. “No, I’m not hungry, I’ll eat something in the morning.”

He heard Steve sigh and the embrace tightened for a moment before Steve stepped away. “Go to bed, Buck, when you wake up there will be snacks and Star Wars.”

Bucky smiled, wondering how he had gotten this lucky. Steve understood him, even when he didn’t understand himself. Steve wasn’t mad, he wasn’t frustrated, he was just helpful. He pulled Steve in again, hoping another kiss would express how grateful he was. 

Steve smiled at him when they pulled away. “Go to bed, Buck, you’re exhausted.” 

Bucky nodded, and smiled back. “Yeah… Thank you, Steve, I… thank you.”

Steve nodded and Bucky headed down the hallway. He closed his door quietly, hoping the dark would help ease his mind.

He was almost asleep when he remembered his mother. She wanted him to come to church. Shit, he hoped Steve would understand. 


	11. Chapter 11

_ Oh My God They Were Roommates _

_ Chapter 11 _

Bucky got up before Steve the next morning, shutting off his alarm quickly. Church was at ten, and it was over an hour’s drive, so this was far earlier than he’d usually get up on a Sunday. He showered and dressed, pulling on a dark blue dress shirt over his jeans. He debated on a tie and then decided it would make his mother happy, so he put a simple black one on, it wasn’t the best knot, and it looked crooked. Steve was normally the one who dressed up, maybe he’d ask him to fix it before he left. 

He was in the bathroom shaving and fixing his hair when Steve finally made an appearance. He leaned against the door frame, his eyes still sleepy as he watched Bucky. 

“You’re up early, and dressed up… Aren’t hot dates normally at night?”

Bucky smirked at him through the mirror, grateful for the humor. Maybe today wouldn’t be as awkward as he had thought. “You only have yourself to blame for this. Mama asked me to come to church today. I’m pretty sure she only asked because you called her.”

Steve winced, rubbing his hand over his face and through his hair. “Oh, sorry… I still feel like I was validated, but sorry you have to go to church.”

Bucky shrugged, setting down the gel. “Nah, it’s okay, I don’t really mind, it’s been a while since I saw Mama, it’ll be nice.”

“Even if they condemn you for being a homosexual? You know that’s always the sermon when you go, it’s like the preacher knows you’re coming.”

That was true. Bucky didn’t go often, but when his mom asked him to go he did. The last three times they’d been preaching about marriage, and abstinence, and the sin of homosexuality. Bucky had gotten used to it and just let the remarks slide off him, as long as his family liked him he didn’t care what some old people thought. 

“I know… I don’t go for the sermons, I literally just go for Mama, and it’s kinda funny to watch her when they do condemn me, she gets all bothered by it.”

Steve chuckled. “Yeah, I remember, I only went that one time and she was practically spitting by the end. She pulled me aside after to tell me that she didn’t believe God actually felt that way about me and that I shouldn’t lose my faith because some old man is scared.”

Bucky laughed. “Oh, so you got the short lecture, you should hear the ones she gives me.”

Steve smiled but turned a little serious, Bucky saw uncertainty in his eyes, even through the mirror. “So, no Star Wars today? You normally stay with her for dinner...”

Bucky shook his head as he finally turned around, leaning against the sink. “No, I won’t stay today, I’ll be back around noon, I don’t really feel like being up there all day, especially if I have to stay in this.” He made a face as he gestured at the dress shirt and tie. 

Steve laughed and came toward him. “Who taught you how to tie a tie?”

Bucky grinned at him, and allowed him to untie it. “You did, I think.” 

Steve shook his head, retying the tie and making sure it was straight. “Well, you’re a crappy student. No wonder it didn’t take.”

“Hey! I’m not that bad!” He shoved Steve a little, but then pulled him close, loving that he was able to initiate the contact without the moment turning awkward.

Steve rolled his eyes and then became serious. “I know you have to leave soon, if you’re gonna get there on time. But I just wanted to check. Are we okay?”

Bucky pulled him down into a gentle kiss, pleasure from the contact rolling through him. There was still a part of him that doubted that Steve actually wanted this, but the blonde didn’t push him away, so that was a good sign. “Yes, Steve, we’re fine. I’m sorry about last night, I’m just a little crazy right now. But we’re okay. You better have the snacks and Star Wars ready when I get back.”

He couldn’t help but admire the grin that spread over Steve’s face. “Okay, I will, I promise. You want breakfast before you leave?”   
  


He shook his head. “Nah, I don’t have time, I’ll be fine till I get back.”

They moved into the living room and Bucky slipped on his boots, pulling his jeans down over them. He was grabbing his keys when Steve spoke again. 

“Hey, Bucky?” 

He turned to watch Steve where he sat at the table. “Yeah?”

“Is this gonna change us? I mean… Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited and happy, but… I also really like being friends with you. Are we still gonna be friends? Or is it gonna be awkward and weird forever?”

Bucky walked thoughfully over and sat down on a chair next to him. “You feel awkward and weird about it?”

A gentle shake of the head answered him, but Steve was looking down. “No, not really… I just got worried last night, and I don’t want it to be weird, I want it to be good and nice, but I want to still be friends as well.”

Bucky sat back, he knew he needed to leave, he was really pushing it, but he felt the need to reassure Steve, and that overpowered his need to be on time. He searched for the right words as he spoke. “Steve… Last night was just me, you know how I get with relationships, I always second guess myself and hyperfocus on things, which is why I tend to avoid them. But you… you’re important to me, I don’t want it to be weird, and I definitely still want you to be my friend. I don’t think I could live without my sappy, sweet, weird Stevie.”

Steve finally met his eyes, smiling. “Okay, I’m glad. I like joking around with you, I don’t want to lose that.”

Bucky couldn’t help but reach for Steve again, stroking his fingers over Steve’s hands where they lay on the table. “I don’t want to lose that either. I don’t think a relationship would even work very well if we let ourselves lose that.” He winced at his use of the word relationship, but he hoped that was what they were headed toward, and Steve didn’t seem to notice. 

He just nodded, taking a deep breath. “Okay, good, thanks. That’s been on my mind.”

“Don’t worry about it, I’ve had my fair share of worries, and they’re not over yet.”

“I’m here for you, Bucky, whatever works for you works for me. We’ll figure it out.”

Bucky smiled and stood, knowing he was going to get a lecture for being late. “I’ll be back around noon, and I promise I’ll keep in touch this time.”

Steve nodded and Bucky headed toward the door. 

“Oh, and Bucky?”

He turned around, eyebrows raised. 

“I know you’re worried about finding the right words, and I understand that, but I think you’re eloquent enough as you are. You tend to get your point across without words, which is fine by me.” He winked as he finished.

Bucky felt himself flush and he smiled back. “Thanks, Steve, I’ll keep that in mind.”

_ IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII _

Thanks to his mustang, and disregard for the speed limit, Bucky had only been ten minutes late to church, he’d quickly found his mother in her usual pew and slipped in next to her. She’d given him a good natured glare for his timing, but quickly pulled him in so she could kiss his cheek. They sat comfortably as they listened, she’d slipped her hand into his at some point and he held it gently between his on his lap. It was about halfway through the service when his phone buzzed. 

She gave him a look as he pulled it out, but when he showed her that it was Steve she smiled and just shook her head. He kept her hand in his lap as he read the message one handed.

_ Steve 10:35 AM _

_ How’s church? Feeling repentant yet? _

_ Me 10:37 AM _

_ Very funny, no, they’re talking about the end times, I think. Something about serpents and horses. You can tell how much I’m paying attention haha _

_ Steve 10:38 AM _

_ Well that’s a nice break in the condemnation. How’s your mom? _

Bucky glanced at her and passed her the phone. She smiled as she responded, holding onto it while they texted back and forth. 

He lost himself in thought while he watched her. She’d been the second person, right behind Steve, that he’d told about his sexuality. She’d always been such a faithful woman that he’d assumed she’d kick him out, screaming condemnations behind him, but instead, she’d embraced him and said that he could always come to her with difficult things, or fears and she would help him through them. She’d never assumed it was a phase or problem, just accepted that it was Bucky. She’d even supported him to the point of giving the preacher a lecture on Christ-like love the next time he’d preached about sexuality. The memory made him smile, she’d been all fire and judgement, screaming that if the preacher expected to be saved he’d better start living up to the standards. The story still came up sometimes when church people came for dinner. 

She passed him his phone back and he kept texting Steve. He made snarky comments about the people sitting around them, knowing that Steve would find it funny. He was so caught up in his conversation he didn’t even notice when his mom pulled his left arm into her lap, stroking the tattoo through his sleeve. 

He finally looked over when she unbuttoned the cuff of his shirt to roll up the sleeve. He’d purposefully worn a dark long sleeve shirt, knowing the tattoo would draw too much attention at church, the fact that he didn’t come often only adding to that. He reached up to stop her from pushing up the sleeve but she batted his hand away. 

“Mama, not here, come on,” He whispered. 

She shook her head at him and pulled the sleeve up above his elbow. She began to trace her fingers along the designs. “It’s a work of art, darling, I enjoy admiring it.”

He sighed and knew he’d lost, but it didn’t make him any more comfortable. It just drew a little too much attention, and a lot of disapproving looks. But she wasn’t going to budge, so he let her. 

He continued to text Steve, now complaining that his mom was showing off his tattoo and Steve reacted as he should have expected. 

_ Steve 10:55 AM _

_ Seriously? That’s what you’re worried about? You’re a gay dude in a church, the tattoo is the last of your worries. Lol _

_ Me 10:56 AM _

_ It’s just so visible. You know I like showing it off, but people are already giving me weird looks.  _

_ Steve 10:58 AM _

_ Dude, relax, I like it. So does your mom. Does anyone else actually matter? _

He sighed and shook his head. That was a fair point, not that it really made him feel better. 

Finally the service ended. They both stood and Bucky instantly pulled the sleeve down, rebuttoning the cuff. She gave him another look, but he simply smiled and offered her his arm. 

They made their way slowly outside, his mom stopped to greet friends and others who saw them. He generally just smiled and nodded, allowing his mom to take the lead in the conversations, throwing in comments when expected. 

When they finally reached the entrance she guided him to one of the benches around the corner. She pulled her shawl around her shoulders, keeping away the cold. Now that it was getting into winter rather than fall the weather had dropped lately. He sat down next to her and enjoyed the view. The church was set on a hill, there was a graveyard just below them, surrounded by trees, most of them leafless by now, but they still cut off the sound that came up from the highway that wasn’t far. 

She grasped his hand again and patted it. “How have you been?”

He smiled at her. “I’m fine, work’s been okay, things have been okay.”

“Steve called me, you went driving, didn’t you?”

He sighed. “Yeah, I went driving.”

“You only go driving when you’re stressed, or struggling, do you want to tell me about it?”

He shrugged, feeling the weight of his emotions again, but still unable to voice them. “It’s hard to talk about… I don’t even know what to say about it…”

“What is ‘it’? What’s causing all the emotions?” 

He blew out a breath. “Steve… It’s all Steve…”

“I was wondering when you’d realize your feelings, you know he has them too, right?” 

He looked over, shocked at the smirk on her face. “You knew? I mean, I’ve known for months now, but how long have you known?”

She laughed, looking over at him mischievously. “I can remember the first day you met, nine years old, you were sitting with him in the principal's office, he’d gotten in a fight and you had intervened, both of you got detention that day, you were almost suspended. I saw the way you looked at him, I knew you’d take care of that boy, and I wasn’t wrong. I thought it was just adoration, but when you told me he was the first one you came out to… I think that was when I realized it was more than that.” 

He almost laughed. “I came out to him when I was seventeen! That was almost eight years ago…”

“I know,” She patted his hand again. 

He shook his head. “I… I don’t see how I could have felt this way this entire time but not known it…”

She smiled. “So what happened?”

He sighed again, he measured his breathing carefully, finding the courage to say it. “He kissed me… hard… and a lot…”

A grin spread across her face, and she laughed. “Good! It was about time.”

He shook his head and chuckled at her response. “Mama, you don’t understand… I don’t know what to do about it.”

She smirked. “Well, did you kiss him back at least?”

He gave her a look and she chuckled. “Well, that’s the first step, darling, anytime you don’t know what to do about it, just remember that. Kissing him back is always the first step. If you don’t know what to do, just kiss him back.”

He smiled and nodded, it was good advice. But it didn’t help him with the words. “Mama, you know Steve, he likes to hear things, he likes to talk things through. I don’t know what to say, I don’t know how to express myself to him, not like this.”

“You normally don’t need to, he understands you, better than most do.”

“But I want to tell him, I want him to hear me, and I think he needs to hear it.”

“Well, why don’t you say it then?”

“I don’t even know what to say. I think I do one minute, and then I get halfway through it and it doesn’t sound right. I’ve never been good at this, it’s why Brendan broke up with me…” He winced as he mentioned his only previous relationship. Steve had told him that the guy was a jerk, he’d brushed him off, but Steve had been right. Brendan had left him after too many times of Bucky tripping over his words while trying to explain his feelings, among other things. It still kinda stung.

His mother suddenly glared at him. “Don’t you mention that boy in front of me, I would still like to say some things to him. But Steve is different, and you know that. He knows you better than anyone, except me. He’ll understand and he’ll be patient.”

Bucky nodded, but the reassurance didn’t do much for him. “What if it takes too long? What if I never find the words?”

She reached up with one hand and stroked her fingers through his hair. “You’ll find them. You always do.”

He nodded, but didn’t respond. He didn’t feel very confident, but he did need to head home, Steve was expecting him, and Bucky was looking forward to relaxing and enjoying Steve’s company. 

“James,”

He looked up at her, she was the only one besides Steve who was allowed to call him that, and Steve wasn’t allowed to very often. But he did enjoy it when his mom said it. 

“Just find a time where you don’t have to worry about rushing through it, sit down, think as you speak, pause as often as you need to. Maybe write some thoughts down, you get more nervous under pressure.”

He nodded. “Okay, I’ll do my best. I just feel like it’s important, especially to Steve, he likes it when people talk to him, and I want him to be happy.”

“You’ll make him happy, you always do.”

He smiled a little. They sat in silence for a few more minutes before he finally stood up, offering her his hand. 

“I’ve got to go, I promised Steve a movie marathon.”

She smiled and they got up to walk to the car. 

He held open her car door, but she stopped before she got in. “You both are coming to Thanksgiving, right?” 

She phrased it as a question, but her tone suggested it was more of a command. He smiled and nodded. “Wouldn’t miss it, you know that.” 

She smiled and kissed his cheek again before getting in and shutting the door. 

He thought deeply on the way home. Writing down his thoughts was a good idea… Speaking them was still gonna be hard though. It wasn’t until he was pulling into the driveway that he realized what he should do. He needed to write Steve a letter. That way he could edit it and rewrite it as many times as he needed. He could work on it tonight, and then tomorrow morning when Steve had left for work. He knew it might take him a little while, he needed it to be perfect. 

Steve was on the couch when he stepped inside. 

“Hey, Buck, you’re back.”

He smiled and tossed his keys on the coffee table. “Yeah, sorry I’m a little later than I’d planned, Ma wanted to talk, you know how she is.”

Steve nodded, then looked up with a little uncertainty. “You feeling better?”

Bucky passed behind the couch and ruffled Steve’s hair. “I’m fine, I promise. Get the movie started, I’m gonna change real fast.”

“Okay, I grabbed some chocolate, candy, and popcorn, I know you like your snacks.”   
  


Bucky laughed over his shoulder as he headed down the hallway. “You know me too well!”

They watched the first three movies in relative silence, they’d sat side by side, but didn’t touch much. At one point Bucky had reached for Steve’s hand and Steve had willingly grabbed onto him. After that Bucky stroked the fingers gently, admiring the lines and ink smudges. 

Steve was about to start the fourth movie when Bucky finally mentioned them. 

“Were you working on your sketches while I was gone?”

He was surprised when a blush spread across Steve’s cheeks. “Um, yeah, I was, nothing crazy, just a couple of pencil sketches.”

“They turn out okay?”

The blush only deepened. “Yeah… yeah, they turned out really good.”

Bucky raised his eyebrows. Steve dropped his head but didn’t respond. 

“Can I see them?”

He watched Steve take a few breaths before he shook his head. “No… not right now…”

Bucky nodded slowly, understanding that he’d crossed some sort of line, but not knowing how or why. Steve had never hidden his sketches before. He decided to shrug it off. 

“Okay, did you want to keep watching, or did you want to play a game or something?”

“You never want to play games with me.” 

“I never want to play Scrabble with you, there’s a difference.” He corrected with a wink. 

Steve rolled his eyes. “But it’s the best game, come on.”

Bucky shook his head. “No, a different game, or more Star Wars.”

He let Steve debate a little more as he went to pop more popcorn. Steve had pulled out Life when he came back. 

“Ah, good choice,”

Steve rolled his eyes. “It was that or Phase 10, but this’ll last longer.”

Bucky took a breath before deciding to flirt a little, he hadn’t tested those waters so far and he wondered how Steve would react. “If I didn’t know better I’d think you like spending time with me, Steven.”

A hint of pink hit Steve’s cheeks and he chuckled. “Whatever, sit down, and pass me some of that.” He held out his hands for the popcorn. 

Bucky licked his lips before he shook his head. “Nope, it’s mine.” He sat down on the ground in front of the coffee table, across from where Steve sat against the couch, and slowly began eating the popcorn, carefully licking his lips and his fingers, basically doing everything he could think of to bring Steve’s attention to his mouth. 

It apparently worked. Steve went silent for a few moments, setting up the board, but also staring at Bucky. Bucky felt himself flush with the attention, but didn’t stop. 

Steve suddenly smirked at him. “If you want a kiss, James, all you have to do is say so.”

That wasn’t what Bucky had expected, and he blushed deeply. He stared down at the popcorn before carefully putting the bowl on the coffee table. He didn’t know how to respond to that. Technically he was going for a kiss, but he’d never expected Steve to be so open about it, nor did he expect the use of his given name, it made him blush even more for some reason.

Steve laughed and reached for the bowl. 

Bucky glared at him, his cheeks still hot. “You’re no fun.”

Steve shrugged and winked. “Not what other people have said.” 

Bucky blushed again and shook his head. “Are we gonna play or not?”

“Yes, you go first.”

The flirting dropped as they started the game, and they settled into their usual routine of trying to get away with cheating, laughing at the other, and just relaxing while they had a good time. At one point Bucky draped his left arm across the table, mostly because it gave him better access to the popcorn, which Steve had pulled toward him, but it also felt nice to stretch as he relaxed. After a few turns Steve reached out and began to trace the designs on his arm absently. 

Bucky smiled, knowing that only Steve and his mother ever did that. It really did feel nice, especially when Steve’s fingers grazed the inside of his forearm and wrist. The position didn’t really allow Steve to go much higher, and Bucky quickly got distracted from the game as he watched the ink smudged fingers travel across his skin. 

“Bucky?”

Bucky jerked his eyes away from his arm. “Yeah?”

“It’s your turn… you gonna go?”

He blushed again. “Yeah, sorry,”

He tried to pay attention to the game, and he lasted a couple of turns, but eventually his eyes rested back on Steve’s fingers. The fingers were now slowly tracing the words on the inside of his forearm over and over. Bucky didn’t know how Steve focused on the game and on the touch at the same time. It was really distracting him.

“When are you gonna go back to get the rest of it filled in?”

Bucky jerked up to meet Steve’s gaze again. “Hm?”

Steve chuckled. “Your arm, there are still gaps…” His fingers moved to the clean patch of skin around his elbow, tracing the edges of where the tattoo stopped. 

“Oh, yeah, I don’t know, whenever I have the money and the time.” 

“We’ve got some extra money coming in the next couple weeks, don’t we?”

Bucky shrugged. “I was planning on using that for your next class. We’re still a little short for that videography course you wanted to take.”

Steve nodded slowly. He played his turn before speaking again. “You can use it if you want, the course will still be there in a couple months.”

Bucky frowned at him. “But you’ve been looking forward to it for months now, I couldn’t do that. Besides, I’ve never paid for my tattoo with our money, I have my own stash for that.”

Steve shrugged. “Okay. How’s the stash coming?”

Bucky avoided his eyes as he played his turn. In truth, the stash was mostly empty, he hadn’t been able to save hardly anything the last few months, which is why he was pushing for the promotion at the shop so hard, their heater had gone out three months ago and he had used his stash to cover the repair costs, because their landlord said it was their responsibility, he had never told Steve. “It’ll come, I’m not worried about it.”

Steve gave him a look. “You don’t have anything saved, do you?”

Bucky rolled his eyes, trying to play it off. “It doesn’t matter, I’ll get it filled when I can.”

“Seriously, Bucky, you can use the money, we’ve paid for me to do stuff, you can have a turn.”

He shook his head firmly. “No, you want the class, you’re gonna get the class.” He cut off Steve’s objection with a glare. “I’m serious, Steve, I’ve already set it aside mentally, you’re not gonna change my mind.”

Steve grumbled a little but settled back into playing, still tracing Bucky’s arm. 

Bucky’s phone buzzed on the coffee table next to him again, but he ignored it, again. It had been buzzing for the last hour, but he didn’t want to acknowledge it. 

“Are you gonna get that?” 

He shook his head at Steve and took his turn. “Nope.”

“Why not?” Steve’s fingers paused on his arm as he asked the question and Bucky glanced up at him. 

“Because there’s a ninety-nine percent chance it’s Natasha, and I don’t want to talk to her.”

Steve chuckled and accepted some money from Bucky, placing it in the bank. “You normally love talking to her, what’s up?”

Bucky shrugged. “I may have promised her I was gonna go to the bar tonight, cause I missed last night… But I don’t want to go. If I tell her that she’ll get all pissed at me.”

“She’ll get pissed anyway, she’ll know you’re ignoring her.”

Bucky shrugged and didn’t answer, hoping Steve would drop the subject. He did and his fingers moved across Bucky’s wrist again. 

The constant gentle contact was starting to really distract Bucky, he had never fully realized how intoxicating the stroking was. It was taking a lot of effort to keep himself focused on the game now that they had dropped conversation again. 

Steve kept having to remind him to play, but they finally made it to the end. Steve’s fingers didn’t leave his arm so he started to count his money one handed. 

He was almost finished counting when Steve leaned down and pressed his lips to the inside of his wrist, over the designs. The warm contact pulled a gasp from his lips as he watched Steve pull away. 

“What… what was that for?” He didn’t realize he was breathless until his words registered as a whisper. 

Steve smirked at him. “For that.”

“For what?” Bucky was confused, and it showed, but he didn’t move his arm. 

Steve did it again, this time a little longer, his lips warm and gentle. Bucky could only stare at him, suddenly a little dizzy from the feeling. 

Steve chuckled. “That, your reaction. You were already looking a little dazed, couldn’t help myself.”

Bucky finally pulled his arm away slowly, pressing his other hand against his wrist. He wasn’t sure if he was trying to disperse the sensation or keep it there, but he could still almost feel Steve’s lips. No one had ever done that before. 

He took careful breaths, trying not to look as dazed as he felt. That was so new, all the people who had ever kissed him had never kissed him like that. Hardly anyone paid attention to his sleeve, much less touched or kissed it. There was normally a passing comment, occasionally an awed conversation, but never that. 

He heard Steve chuckle and he looked up. Steve smirked at him. “I won, by the way.” He placed Bucky’s money back in front of him as Bucky nodded. He hadn’t even noticed Steve counting his money.

“Oh, cool.” He blinked quickly, trying to pull himself together. “Maybe we should have just played scrabble, you won either way.”

Steve’s smile softened and he held out his hand to Bucky. Bucky looked at him confused. “Your arm, can I have it back?”

“Oh, um, sure.” Bucky slipped his arm back over the table, watching as Steve held onto his wrist gently. 

“I didn’t realize you’d react like that. I figured you’d be used to it.” 

Bucky shook his head as Steve began to trace his arm again. He was still breathless. “No, um, no one’s ever done that before. Ever.”

Steve’s fingers stopped as he looked up at him in shock. “Seriously? No one?”

“No, I’ve never had anyone focus on my arm, normally they have… other plans.” He smirked a little through his daze. 

Steve shook his head. “What a tragedy, the way you reacted was gorgeous, how did no one ever notice?”

Bucky shrugged, but his reply was interrupted by Steve’s mouth on his wrist again. He closed his eyes, clenching his jaw to keep another gasp from escaping him. 

He opened his eyes again when the contact ended and didn’t come back. Steve was watching him, his head tilted to the side a little. Bucky blushed again. 

“Will you come sit with me?” 

Bucky nodded. “Sure, you want to put the game away?”

“Nah, we can do that later. Come here.” Steve waited till he’d gotten to his feet before pulling him around the coffee table.

Bucky sat down, making sure there was room for Steve next to him, but apparently that wasn’t the plan, because suddenly Steve was on top of him. He adjusted himself on top of Bucky until he was comfortable, straddling Bucky’s thighs with Bucky’s left arm between them. 

He watched Steve carefully, not sure where this was going. Not that he wanted it to stop. 

The hand that wasn’t holding onto his left wrist came up to his chin, applying gentle pressure until they were looking into each other’s eyes. 

Steve kept the pressure under his chin, and raised his wrist at the same time. Steve’s eyes didn’t leave Bucky’s as he pressed another kiss to the inside of his arm. Bucky pressed his lips together tightly. 

Why did that feel so good? How was this the first time someone was doing this to him? 

Steve shook his head, his eyes dark with something Bucky had only seen in the car yesterday. His thumb came up around Bucky’s jaw to stroke his bottom lip gently. “No, it’s okay, you can make noise if you want.”

He kissed him again, this time a little higher but still on the inside of his forearm. 

Bucky leaned his head back against the cushions, letting out a breathless gasp. “Steve, why… why are you doing that?”

He felt Steve laugh against his arm, and he began to plant small quick kisses on his arm. 

Bucky shook his head a little. This was so new, but it felt so nice. “Steve, what…”

“You’re gorgeous, Bucky, I can’t help it.”

Bucky was glad he’d chosen to go for a short sleeved shirt rather than a tank top, he didn’t know what kind of reaction he would have to Steve’s mouth on his bicep, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to find out. This was driving him crazy as it was. 

But apparently, Steve wanted to find out, because he was starting to push his sleeve up as his mouth moved up his arm. 

Bucky shook his head and stopped Steve’s hand. “Stop. Stevie, stop.”

Steve backed off completely, putting his weight onto Bucky’s knees as he leaned away. “Sorry, I just… wondered… sorry.”

Bucky shook his head, still holding firmly onto Steve’s hand against his arm. He tried to get his composure back but it was difficult. “It’s okay, no, it’s just… no one has ever done this and I don’t know… I don’t know how I’ll react. You’re already driving me crazy.”

Steve’s smile turned almost predatory and he leaned back in. He let go of Bucky’s wrist and his hand went to his hair instead. 

Bucky had to close his eyes. The touch was so nice. It wasn’t hurried or sexual, just there. 

“Bucky?”

He opened his eyes to find Steve had come closer, and the whisper brushed his cheek. 

“Are you okay? I kind of want to find out how you react, you’re beautiful. Can I see, please?”

Staring into those oceans Bucky could hardly think. Finally he nodded, releasing Steve’s hand and relaxing against the cushions again. 

He closed his eyes when Steve’s lips returned to his arm. 

Steve stared at Bucky, watched as his eyes closed. He continued to watch him as he pushed the sleeve of the thin t-shirt up. His lips easily traced the artwork, artwork he’d put there. He got to the star on Bucky’s shoulder and decided to use a little of his tongue. He saw Bucky’s lips fall open in a gasp. 

How had no one thought to kiss him like this? The man was beautiful, sitting there all dazed and clearly a little out of it. Steve loved this, this could easily become his favorite thing to do to Bucky. He was gorgeous. 

He got a little frustrated as the fabric stopped just below his friend’s shoulder joint. Bucky had too much shoulder to allow the fabric up any higher. Ugh, could he be more perfect?

Steve pulled away, watching as Bucky’s eyes fluttered open. He smiled at him. “Do you like that?”

Bucky whispered breathlessly back at him. “Steve, that feels so good…”

He nodded, then reached underneath himself a little, working his fingers down Bucky’s torso till he reached the waistline of his jeans. He found the hem of his t-shirt and started to pull it up, watching Bucky for any signs of discomfort or disagreement. Bucky’s eyes only widened. He smirked and couldn’t resist leaning in to kiss him, finally on the lips. He felt Bucky gasp again against his lips. He used the contact to pull Bucky forward a little, away from the cushions so he could pull the shirt off over his head. 

And finally Bucky was topless underneath him. He felt his own breath leave him as he stared. The tattoo continued over the shoulder joint a little, and he followed the design to Bucky’s collarbone. Shit, his upper body was so defined. Every muscle was evident, even with the angle that Bucky was reclined in. He found himself memorizing the curves, so he could adjust his sketch of Bucky later. He’d seen the man shirtless before, but never like this, never so breathless and almost writhing beneath him. The sight did weird things to Steve’s chest.

He heard Bucky chuckle and looked at his eyes to find them completely blown, the grey steel disappearing as the black overtook it. 

“You just gonna stare at me?”

Steve felt desire rush through him and he shook his head, deciding to answer by claiming Bucky’s mouth again. He brought one hand behind Bucky’s head, using it for leverage against the man’s mouth. The fingers of his other hand dragged across the hot skin, not really caring where they went, just wanting to feel the edges of Bucky, the angles and curves of him. 

Bucky moaned into the kiss, as Steve’s fingers dipped lower, tracing across his waistline. How did Steve know to do that? The man was driving him crazy. He allowed himself to get lost as Steve’s hand circled his waist and crawled up his back. This had been done before, but never like Steve was doing it, it drove every thought from Bucky’s mind, the gentle pressure driving him crazy, combined with the pressure of Steve’s lips. 

Steve felt Bucky react to his touch and it only made him want more. He felt the warm muscle beneath him and all he wanted was Bucky, he wanted to see every part of Bucky, feel every inch of him. 

But suddenly he was pulling away, using one arm to push Steve away gently. “Steve, I need… I need to say things first, words I want you to hear…” 

“Okay,” Steve nodded, his hands still groping. “Say them, I’m listening.”

Bucky shook his head, his eyes closed. “No, Steve, you don’t understand, I need…”

He stopped, breathing heavily, and Steve got desperate again. “Bucky, you’re too fucking gorgeous for me to focus on anything but kissing you, so you better talk quick or shut up and let me.” 

Bucky laughed at that, his head hitting the cushions again. “You can hardly focus? You don’t even know what you’re doing to me, right now, I can’t even think. I just need you… I need you to understand first.”

Steve shook his head. “I don’t care if I understand, I just want to kiss you. You can stop me whenever you find the words, but I just want you.”

Bucky groaned when their lips collided again. Steve wasn’t listening. It was gorgeous the way he sat there, on top of Bucky, his eyes were desperate, he was breathless. It was taking a lot of effort on Bucky’s part to focus on what he wanted to say to Steve, but he couldn’t find the words. He felt like things were going a little fast considering he had yet to explain to Steve how he felt. But his lips, Bucky couldn’t think past his lips and his hands. 

He let himself go just a little, letting his own hands begin to explore Steve’s body. He dragged his fingers up the denim covered thighs, reaching around to pull Steve against him, his hands moving against the strong muscles on Steve’s back. 

But they still needed to talk, he still needed to explain himself to Steve. He couldn’t let them get any farther than this until he’d talked. He needed Steve to hear him. But Steve wasn’t letting him go. But he needed to get the words out. How was he going to do that when he could hardly think of anything? He needed to write things down, that was the plan, a letter. Steve’s letter. He needed to write it. But Steve felt so good. 

He finally found enough of his focus to push against Steve. If Steve wasn’t going to let him up he’d have to get up on his own. If they kept going like this Bucky wouldn’t be able to stop himself from taking Steve into his room. But they needed to talk before that happened. That was the only thought Bucky could really hold onto. They needed to talk first.

Steve felt Bucky push against him and he barely kept a moan from escaping. Suddenly Bucky was pushing himself off the couch. Steve felt the muscles underneath him strain with their combined weight. God, it was delicious. Was he going to take Steve to his room again? He felt another flash of pleasure at the thought, the things he could do to Bucky if the man was laying down...

He hit the back of the couch with a gasp. Of all things he hadn’t expected Bucky to flip their positions, but he waited with closed eyes for Bucky’s weight, for his lips. He finally opened his eyes when they didn’t come. 

Bucky was leaning over him, one knee on the couch, his arm still wrapped around Steve’s waist. He reached up to grab him but Bucky shook his head. 

Steve was breathless as he frowned. “What? Come here…”

Bucky shook his head again and pulled his arms away from Steve. He brought one hand to Steve’s cheek. Steve reached for it, hoping to use the hand to pull Bucky on top of him, but suddenly the hand was gone again. 

He reached quickly for Bucky but he’d already backed away. He hadn’t moved far and was still staring, one hand held up as though defending himself. Steve felt disappointment rush through him.

“Steve, I’m serious, we need to talk, I can’t… I can’t focus, and I want to say things, but I can’t when you’re… doing that… Please, understand. I want you, desperately, but we need to talk.”

Steve licked his lips and swallowed, trying to get his breathing under control. “Okay, let’s talk, but please come back, I want you, please.”

Bucky’s eyes were dark, and Steve thought there might be a little desperation in them, but he still shook his head. “No, Stevie, I can’t, I need to think, I need to understand. Please, just… God, you’re gorgeous... I can’t focus, I need to think.” And suddenly he turned and almost ran down the hall. 

Steve heard his bedroom door shut before he could even sit up on the couch. What the hell? He put his head in his hands as he got his breath back. What just happened? Bucky had practically fallen apart underneath him, and then ran away? He shook his head. What did he mean? 

When he finally had his breathing under control and his mind back in working order, he stood, still wondering what Bucky had meant. He slowly cleaned up the game, not really even focused on it, but needing to do something. 

He put the game away and slowly walked down the hall. He stopped outside Bucky’s door and gently knocked. 

He was grateful when it opened slightly a moment later. 

Bucky’s eyes were back to normal, mostly, and Steve had to keep himself from feeling disappointed. He was, however, still shirtless. “Yeah?”

Steve swallowed. “Are you okay? I’m sorry, I just got carried away…”

Bucky shook his head, opening the door a little wider, but not enough to invite Steve in. “No, Steve, it’s fine, that was… wonderful. I just need to think. I… I’ll explain tomorrow.”

Steve nodded, dropping his eyes to the ground. “Okay,”

He was surprised when Bucky reached for him, one hand lifting his chin and bringing him closer. Bucky smiled at him gently before pressing a soft kiss to his lips. He smiled back and Bucky pushed him away again. 

“I promise, I’ll explain tomorrow. You’re so gorgeous.” 

Steve smirked. “Okay, I can wait. You’re fucking beautiful.”

Bucky slowly closed the door. “Good night, Stevie.”

“Good night, Buck.” 

He made his way to his room and laid down. He pulled out his sketchbook, flipping to the last two pages. He’d have to alter his sketches. After all, he’d sketched shirtless Bucky this morning, before he’d actually focused on him shirtless, and the man had way more muscle than he’d imagined.


	12. Chapter 12

_ Oh My God They Were Roommates _

_ Chapter 12 _

Bucky walked into the kitchen the next morning to find Steve at the stove, cooking what smelled like an omelet. Steve was always such a good cook. Bucky wasn’t quite as good, but he made do. 

He came up behind Steve and hugged him from behind. “Good morning,”

“Morning, you have a good night?” His mischievous smile made Bucky blush slightly. 

“Yeah, it was good.” 

Steve nodded at the notebook Bucky held in one hand, the one he had spent all night writing in. He still couldn’t quite get Steve’s letter right, but he had made progress. 

“What’s that?”

Bucky considered explaining, but decided to be annoying instead. “What, you’re the only one allowed to have secret notebooks?”

Steve considered that before reaching for it with a grin. “Come on, let me see.”

Bucky held it out of reach and backed away. “You should make me an omelet too, yours are always so much better than mine.”

“Bucky, come on, I want to see. You’re no good at art, what’s it for?”

He shook his head again, moving to the table. “Nothing,”

Steve huffed but turned back to the stove. “Oh come on, you never hide things from me.”

Bucky smirked as a memory came back from last night. “Yeah, neither do you. I’ll tell you what, I’ll show you what’s in here, if you show me your sketches you were working on yesterday.”

He saw Steve go still and chuckled. When Steve glanced at him his face was flushed. Bucky winked. Steve didn’t respond so Bucky pulled the laptop over to him. Steve always left it out, and since Steve was still here he couldn’t keep writing, so he needed something to do until the man left for work. 

“What’re you doing?”

Bucky looked up and shrugged. “My mustang has been a little shaky, I’m just doing some research so I can fix it.” The lie was pretty easy, and it was almost true. His mustang had started to shake on the way home yesterday, but Bucky didn’t need to do research to know that it was probably a bearing in his front passenger wheelhouse going out. 

A few minutes passed in silence until Steve set a plate in front of him. Bucky smiled up at him and they ate in silence. Bucky was still focused on the laptop, but definitely noticed when Steve scooted a little closer, his hand reaching for the notebook. 

He beat him to it and moved it further away without taking his eyes off the screen in front of him. “Go get your sketches and we can switch.”

Steve huffed. “You’re obnoxious.”

“That’s not what you said last night.”

Steve’s hand found his fingers and squeezed. They shared a smile before Steve spoke again. “You really want to know what I was working on?”

Bucky shrugged. “You normally show me, figured you would when you wanted to. I enjoy seeing your work.”

That made Steve smile again. “You’re pretty amazing, Buck,”

He blushed and finally pushed away the laptop, turning to Steve. “Thanks, so are you.”

Steve leaned forward and Bucky met him halfway for a kiss. 

When they pulled away Steve winked. “I’ve gotta go to work, I’ll show you my notebook when I get home?”

“Sounds like a plan.”

Bucky waited till he’d heard Steve’s footsteps hit the outside stairwell before he pulled his notebook toward him again. Steve would get home before him, and he wanted Steve to read the letter tonight, so he had three hours before he had to leave for work to finish it. So he sat and he wrote, and rewrote, and erased. 

By the time his work alarm went off he had over three pages of writing. He reread it for the last time, deciding that it was the best he was gonna get for now. It had taken half the night and part of the morning, if he couldn’t get his thoughts onto paper in that time it wasn’t going to happen ever. So he folded it quickly into thirds, wrote Steve’s name across the center of it, and placed it on top of the now closed laptop. Steve wouldn’t be able to miss it. 

He took a deep breath, wrapped in his thoughts. He was so distracted that he left for work without his phone. 

_ IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII _

Steve was anxious, and he wasn’t exactly sure why. One of his school friends had called him near the end of his shift asking for some help with their current project, it was due in two days and of course the guy, Grant Ward, had procrastinated, Steve had definitely pegged him as a procrastinator on the first day, but since he’d already finished his he agreed to go over after work to help him finish it. It wasn’t difficult, actually one of the easiest projects so far. All they had to do was make up a random company and create a billboard, a flier, and concept art for a website. Easy. Especially for computerized graphic designing.

But Bucky wasn’t answering his phone. Steve had texted him to let him know he’d be home late, but he hadn’t gotten a response all day, not even when he called. It was nearing six o’clock and Steve had no idea what was wrong. Bucky couldn’t always respond immediately, but he was pretty good at checking his phone throughout the day. So why was he ignoring him now? 

Steve admitted to himself that normally he wouldn’t be freaking out in his head like this, but Saturday was still very fresh in his mind, and with their newfound relationship Steve didn’t know how to read Bucky’s radio silence. So he did the only thing he could think of. 

_ “Brooklyn Auto Repair and Specialty, this is Pierce, how may I help?” _

“Hey, Pierce, this is Steve, Bucky’s friend, would you mind if I talked to him for a second?”

_ “Yeah, no problem, mind if I put you on hold while I grab him?” _

“No, that’s fine.”

He waited agonizing minutes for Bucky’s voice. What if he didn’t want to talk to Steve? What if he was ignoring him on purpose and this was pushing into his space? Steve didn’t know how to handle this new relationship yet, but he was desperate for confirmation that they were okay. The fact that Bucky was hiding his notebook this morning had put him more on edge than he’d expected. But he couldn’t exactly just head over to the auto shop himself, he was just now reaching his friend’s house and he was needed. But that didn’t help the anxious pit in his stomach. 

_ “Hello?” _

Steve breathed a sigh of relief. “Hey, Bucky, it’s me, Steve.”

_ “Oh, hey, Stevie, what’s up?” _

The use of his nickname made him feel a little better, but still didn’t explain the silence all day. “Are you okay? I’ve called you a couple times and you haven’t responded.”

Bucky cursed in his ear.  _ “Oh shit, yeah, I’m sorry, I haven’t been ignoring you, I promise. I was in a hurry when I left the house this afternoon and I forgot my phone. I’ve been ignoring everyone today. Nat’s probably mad at me too.” _

Steve pulled into his friend’s driveway as the anxiety melted away. “Oh, good, okay, I was scared it had turned into Saturday all over again, made me a little anxious.” Steve was a little embarrassed to admit it, but it was true. 

_ “I’m sorry, no, I wouldn’t do that to you again, sorry, pal.” _

“No worries, sorry for freaking out and calling you here, just didn’t know what else to do.”

Bucky chuckled and the sound made Steve smile.  _ “No worries, when I realized I’d forgotten it I figured you’d get worried. Been preparing myself for a lecture for the past few hours.” _

“No lecture, I promise.” Steve felt a little bad that Bucky had assumed his reaction, even if the assumption was pretty close to reality. “I just wanted to let you know I won’t be home on time today.”

_ “Oh, yeah, where you goin’?” _

“I’ve gotta help a friend with a project for school, it’s due in a couple days and he hasn’t even started.”

_ “Aw, little Stevie helpin’ out, no worries, I’ll be home after nine, just show up when you’re done. Want me to save you food?” _

“Yeah, that’d be great if you could, I hopefully won’t be much later than nine myself.”

_ “Solid, I’ll see you whenever you get there.” _

“Sounds good, thanks, Buck, and sorry again.”

Another chuckle through the phone.  _ “No problem, you’re reaction was mild compared to what I was preparing myself for.” _

Steve felt a flush rise on his cheeks, but ignored it as he got out of the car. “I don’t mean to be so reactive.”

_ “I know, it’s cute, and I know you’re probably blushing right now. That’s mostly why I said it.” _

Steve’s face grew a little warmer as he bit his lip, but he still chuckled. “Whatever, jerk, I’ll see you at home. Stop forgetting your phone, you’re gonna give me permanent anxiety.”

That got a full laugh and Steve loved the sound, he always did.  _ “I promise I won’t again, see you tonight, punk.” _

There was a soft click and Steve sighed, this was going to be a long study session.

He was proven right as soon Ward let him in. It was a very nice and spacious house, but when they sat down at the table, Steve noticed the empty laptop screen. He groaned when Ward explained that he hadn’t even had enough imagination to come up with a company to base his work on. This kid was never getting anywhere with art class, what a waste. 

Steve attempted to change his mood, knowing it was mostly caused by his anxiety about Bucky. But he also really didn’t want to be here, Ward was obnoxious, and he really just wanted to be with Bucky. He wanted to show Bucky his pictures, and see what Bucky had been working on. He honestly just wanted to be anywhere but here. But he focused, offering suggestions, brainstorming, and doing his best to be polite. The guy wasn’t terrible, just clearly not interested in art at all, why had he even taken a graphic designing course? 

It took a couple hours, but Steve was able to help Ward get caught up a little, he refused to do everything for the guy, but he’d helped him get a rough sketch of everything he needed, it should be relatively easy for him to finish everything on his own. It was impressive how little Ward knew about the designing program they were using, this far into the course he should definitely be more adept. Steve forced himself to be patient. 

It was eight thirty when Steve finally felt like it was okay to leave, Ward seemed to get the hang of it, and Steve offered to video call him the next day if he needed more help. He didn’t think he could actually stand to come over again, at least not in this mood. He breathed a sigh of relief when he was finally back in his car. 

He sighed deeply again, resting his head against the headrest. He just wanted to talk to Bucky. He finally admitted that he was only in such a bad mood because he hadn’t been able to talk to Bucky all day, only that one short phone call. He hated that he couldn’t text him and complain. He was far more exhausted than he expected and he just wanted to be home. But he couldn’t get himself to put the car in drive and go. It was a daunting twenty minute drive. 

He swiped open his phone, again the first instinct was to text Bucky, but he couldn’t. Bucky wouldn’t have his phone yet. He clicked on his music app and let his music flow through the speakers of his car. He listened to two songs before he finally felt the frustration drain away. This was so irrational, was he really this attached to Bucky? He couldn’t go twelve hours without talking to him before he got annoyed with everything? 

He rolled his eyes and threw the car in drive. Maybe Bucky was right, he was just a drama queen. 

When he finally reached the house he was relieved to see Bucky’s mustang parked. He was a little earlier than he had said, and Steve was glad, he needed some Bucky time. 

He shoved open the apartment door with a little more force than usual and then felt a little disappointed when he heard the shower running. He shoved down the disappointment and moved to the kitchen, dropping his backpack on the couch. He sighed and dropped onto the kitchen table, he buried his head in his arms, feeling drained. He shoved his laptop aside with one hand and was surprised to feel paper hit his palm. 

He looked up, confused when he read his name on the folded paper. He recognized Bucky’s handwriting and nearly dropped the additional papers when he unfolded it. Four pages, all filled with the scrawl of his best friend.

_ Stevie, _

_ I don’t know how to start this letter, your full name seemed a little dramatic so I went with the nickname, hope it’s not cheesy. But this letter is the only way I know how to express myself to you. Everything I say here is important to me, and you’re important to me, and I want you to understand how I feel about you. I can’t ever seem to get the words to come out when I’m actually looking at you. You’re gorgeous, and I love watching you, your eyes come alive. And it is so distracting. So I’m writing this so that I don’t have to stumble over everything when I’m trying to talk to you, it’s important to me that you hear me, and I can’t seem to talk about it when you’re in front of me. So I hope this gets the point across.  _

Steve felt tears sting his eyes as he kept reading, all the frustration and bitterness he’d felt throughout the day slipped from his mind. He had never heard Bucky be this emotional and honest. The man was pouring his heart out onto the paper, and it was beautiful. His phrasing was careful, and so articulate, but also warm and affectionate. Steve felt sudden warmth fill his chest as he kept reading, Bucky meant so much to him, and according to the letter he returned that feeling, and had for a long time. This was such a beautiful way of expression and Steve felt his throat get tight as he finished the letter. 

Only as he set the paper down, scrubbing his eyes with his palm did he become aware of Bucky’s presence behind him. He twisted in his seat to look over at him. Bucky smiled gently, his arms folded across the thin t-shirt he wore as he leaned against the doorframe. 

Steve took several deep breaths, emotions rising to the top faster than he expected them to. He didn’t notice when a tear slid down his cheek, but Bucky did. 

His smile dropped and he moved forward. “Stevie, what’s wrong? Did I do it wrong? I thought it was okay…”

Steve shook his head, trying to laugh, but choked by emotion. “No, Buck, no, it was beautiful.”

Bucky dropped to his knees in front of him and reached for his cheek. Steve grasped onto his hand, keeping it against his face. 

“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

“I’m sorry,” Steve let go of Bucky’s hand and swiped his face quickly, trying to gather himself. He still held the letter in one hand and stared at it. “I don’t know, I’ve had a rough day, I missed you. And this, it’s beautiful, Bucky, you’re beautiful.”

Bucky smiled a little at the words but still felt concern for his friend. He reached out and wiped away another tear that escaped. The shine from the moisture brought out the blue of his eyes and it was gorgeous. Bucky couldn’t stop himself from rising a little to kiss Steve gently. 

“Are you sure you’re okay? I’m sorry you had a rough day. You seemed in a good mood this morning.”

Steve nodded, taking a deep breath. Bucky’s presence grounded him, and the kiss helped him pull his emotions back together. “Yeah, this morning I was fine, but having to help Ward really sucked, and…” He felt a flush rise on his cheeks again, but Bucky only raised an eyebrow, obviously trying to keep a smirk from his lips. 

Steve slapped his shoulder gently. “Don’t make fun of me. I missed you, I couldn’t talk to you all day, and it sucked. I never realized how much I complain to you, you always make me feel better.”

Bucky laughed, looking down in a vain attempt to hide the humor. “I wasn’t laughing at you, you’re so cute when you blush I can’t help it. And I’m sorry, again, I swear I didn’t mean to forget my phone, it was a dumb mistake, and I promise I won’t do it again.”

Steve smiled back at him, now that his emotions were in check again he felt much better. Just the timbre of Bucky’s voice helped. He really was a lost cause with this man, it had only been four days since he’d realized his feelings, but it felt so right that maybe they’d been there all along. 

He placed a hand on Bucky’s cheek and leaned down to kiss him again. He glanced at the letter as Bucky stood, his grin back once he realized Steve was okay. He leaned casually against the table, one hand in his pocket, the other gripping Steve’s fingers. 

“Thank you, Bucky, this is beautiful, really. I’m just glad to be home, had a lot of emotions, but it’s wonderful. Thank you for telling me, and explaining everything.”

Bucky squeezed his fingers and smirked. “It’s a lot easier on paper… Do you see now why I had to go to bed last night? I couldn’t handle you not knowing…”

Steve nodded, standing to meet the brunette. He moved in front of him, pushing into his space. “Yeah, I get it, this is a lot of emotions, I never really expected it from you before, you’re always so… stoic.”

Bucky grinned and looked down, but Steve pushed against him, his knee slipping between Bucky’s thighs so their hips slotted together. 

When Bucky replied his voice was a little breathless. “I know, it’s really hard to explain what I’m feeling, so I normally don’t even try. But this was important. I needed you to hear it.”

Steve set the letter down on the table behind Bucky and slipped his hand onto the other man’s back, keeping him from pulling away. He bent down and captured the firm lips against his own. It wasn’t meant to be deep or sexual, just expressive. When he finally pulled away Bucky didn’t open his eyes. Steve watched him closely. “I heard it. I’m glad you found the words, you mean so much to me.”

Bucky nodded slowly, his eyes still shut. “You’re amazing, Stevie.”

Steve took advantage of the closed eyes and bent down again, this time adding heat to the kiss, slipping his tongue against the other’s lower lip. Bucky’s lips parted instantly and Steve relished the heat of the other man’s mouth. God, it was gorgeous, this man was gorgeous. How had he ever thought he could make it through life without him? 

It didn’t take long before Steve was tracing the bottom of Bucky’s shirt, reaching under to feel the heat of his skin. The gasp that the movement earned him made him groan in response. He kept Bucky tight against him as he deepened the kiss, his hands slipping up his back, dragging the shirt up with it. 

He finally pulled away for breath and took in the view. Bucky was gasping, his eyes were wide, his pupils blown again. That was a look Steve could get used to. He slipped his hands down Bucky’s thighs and lifted him onto the table, pushing against him, desire building quickly in the pit of his stomach. 

More pleasure filled him when Bucky’s hands began to roam. He bent down again, dragging his lips across Bucky’s jawline, then down his neck. He was rewarded with a groan, and redoubled his efforts, sucking and kissing every inch of skin.He could smell the soft hint of Bucky’s body wash, his skin still warm from the heat of his shower. Bucky’s hands finally found the edge of his shirt and tugged it up out of where it was tucked into his waistband, he gasped as Bucky’s hot hands flattened against his skin. 

He pulled away quickly, just long enough to grab Bucky’s shirt and pull it over his head. Bucky looked far past dazed at this point, but mimicked the movement. Their shirts were discarded on the ground and Steve bent back down, capturing hot lips again, his hands groping. There was definitely heat pooling in his stomach now, and he never wanted this moment to end, the new skin contact driving him past crazy. His hand slid to Bucky’s still damp hair and he ran his fingers through it, pulling gently. Bucky’s hands turned to claws and he groaned loudly. 

“Steve…” 

The whisper was barely heard as Steve captured his lips again, moaning himself when Bucky returned the kiss passionately, pushing back against him. How had no one snatched this man up already? His kisses alone were enough to make Steve feel like he ruled the fucking world. 

Steve was about to suggest that they move to the bedroom when there was a knock on the door. Bucky froze but Steve ignored it, bending down to kiss across his clavicle. He earned another gasp and the front door was forgotten for a few precious moments. 

Until the next knock was accompanied by a loud shout. “Bucky! I know you’re in here, get your ass to the door before I break it down!”

“Fuck.” Bucky groaned, this time not with pleasure, and he leaned his head on Steve’s shoulder. 

“Is that Natasha?” Steve couldn’t stop his hands from moving across Bucky’s back, and he desperately wanted to get back to kissing. His breathlessness didn’t suggest otherwise.

“Yeah, it is.” Bucky sounded equally frustrated, which was kinda nice, as he picked up his head. “Natasha, go away!”

“Get your ass to the fucking door!” More banging. 

“I’m busy, damn it!” Bucky straightened slightly, and Steve couldn’t help himself, he bent down again and kissed gently along the tattoo’d line of his shoulder joint. Bucky gasped, and his hands moved across Steve’s back again. “Fuck, Steve…” 

Steve moved in for another hot kiss, but was again interrupted by Natasha’s banging. “I don’t give a fuck, you’ve stood me up three nights in a row at this point!” 

Steve was the one who groaned, well maybe growled a little, this time. “Bucky, just ignore her, she’ll go away.” 

But Bucky shook his head. “No, she won’t, and she’s right, I haven’t talked to her all day, and I ignored her last night.”

Steve growled again and kissed him fiercely. “Who the fuck cares, you’d rather hang out with her than stay here with me?”

That got Bucky’s attention, and Steve saw his eyes darken. “You know that’s not the fucking point, and you should also know by now that I’d much rather be here with-”

More banging on the door. “Bucky!”

“Fuck, just let me get her to go away and we can get back to this, I promise.” Bucky’s eyes were still dark with what Steve hoped was lust, and Steve accepted that as insurance that Natasha wouldn’t be able to just scoop him away to some stupid bar. 

“Fine, but hurry, you’re fucking delicious.” Steve stole another kiss as Bucky pushed himself off the table. 

“I know, so are you.” Bucky winked and headed toward the front door. Steve was just barely out of sight but wouldn’t have cared either way. He also noticed that Bucky hadn’t grabbed his shirt. That was sexy. 

Bucky yanked open the door, frustrated. He could still feel Steve’s lips and hands ghosting over his skin and it was almost as distracting as the actual person in the kitchen. 

“What do you want? I’m fucking busy.”

The red head glared at him, she tried to push past him, but he quickly put one hand on the doorframe, keeping her outside. No way in hell he would let her ruin this night for him. 

She looked afronnted at the action, and frowned. “I’m here because you have ignored me for the last two days! What the hell, we had a date!”

Her glare was normally enough to cripple him, but not this time. He had more important things to do than satisfy her curiosity or be her third wheel to a bar. Important like somehow convincing Steve to go to the bedroom. He’d been pining for months, he deserved this. 

“I know, I’m sorry, I’ve been busy, this really isn’t a good time.”

Her eyes suddenly narrowed and she looked him up and down. Shit, he’d forgotten his shirt… 

“Why are you shirtless?”

He’d known the question was coming, but that didn’t make it any more comfortable to answer. “What, a man can’t be comfortable in his own apartment? I told you I’m busy, I’ll text you tomorrow, I swear, but I am busy.”

“Is that a hickey??” Her mouth fell open and he was definitely glaring at this point. Seriously, why couldn’t he catch a break at some point? Why did he have such nosy friends?

“And what if it is? Go hang out with Clint, I will text you tomorrow. I. Am. Busy.” He moved to shut the door but her hand stopped him, she was suddenly peering past him. 

“Who’s with you? Is it Steve? Oh my god, this is great, you haven’t given me an update since Saturday!”

“Natasha, go the fuck away!” His body was nearly humming with the need to be back in Steve’s arms and it was not getting better the longer he talked. 

Suddenly Steve was behind him. Bucky hadn’t even heard him come up. “Nat, seriously, go away, I will shut this door in your face, I swear, just go!”

Her eyes widened and she squealed. Steve growled again, and considering he was now behind Bucky the sound was even more intoxicating. God, a noise like that should be illegal, it was so sexy. And very possessive, which was such a damn cheat move, nothing turned Bucky on like possessiveness. And Steve was being possessive about  _ him _ .  _ Damn. _

Natasha looked like she wanted to say more, but Bucky shook his head, and though he couldn’t see Steve he assumed he was also glaring because she finally backed down, a grin plastered across her face. 

Bucky cut off whatever she was thinking with a quick forced grin. “Bye, have a good night, don’t come back, please.” He shut the door forcefully and was instantly pressed against it, Steve’s hot skin pressed against his back. 

He closed his eyes blissfully as he felt Steve’s mouth against his ear. 

“You’re so sexy, do you know that, Buck?”   
  


He bit his lip hard, fully aware that there was no sound of footsteps outside, Natasha hadn’t walked away. He turned his head and captured Steve’s lips over his shoulder. He could feel his own heartbeat in his chest, every part of him thrummed with the need to be against Steve. But Natasha still hadn’t walked away. He pulled away from Steve and growled a little himself now.

“Hold on, Stevie.”

He gently pushed away from the door, not wanting Steve to go too far away. He pulled open the door and was not surprised when he had to catch Natasha as she stumbled forward. She went bright red and he glared as she pushed away from him. 

“Sorry, I just…” She trailed off and then waved weakly. “I’m gonna go now, have a good night!”

“Don’t come back!” He glared and only when she’d descended down the first flight of stairs did he finally close the door. 

Steve’s hands went around his waist and spun him around, pressing his back to the door. Before he could even take a breath Steve’s mouth was on his again. He groaned into it. Man, none of his daydreams were ever this good, nothing compared to the real thing. Steve’s skin was hot on his, the contact of their bare chests was driving him crazy. He desperately wanted Steve on top of him in every sense. 

When they finally came up for air Bucky didn’t even try for flirty coercion. “Bedroom? Please?”

Steve’s eyes widened slightly and Bucky felt himself flush as he panted. “I mean, only if you want to, but I… damn, Stevie, I just need you, I need you.”

Steve was nodding quickly. “Yes, whatever you want, Buck, I need you too.” Steve cut himself off by again bending down for a kiss. 

Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve’s neck, his fingers threading through the blonde hair. He was surprised when Steve grabbed his waist, pulling him closer, then dropped his hands to his thighs. He couldn’t help but laugh a little as Steve picked him up, and he willingly wrapped his legs around his waist, laughing against Steve’s lips. 

He pulled away as Steve turned to go down the hallway. He stared down at him, loving how bright his blue eyes were, how stormy they seemed. All because of him, Steve wanted him. He wasn’t sure he’d ever get over that. 

“Your bedroom or mine?” Steve’s hands still gripped his legs tightly as he paused at Bucky’s door. 

“Mine.” Bucky quickly reached behind himself with one hand to grab the doorknob, pushing it open so Steve wouldn’t have to let him go. 

Steve stumbled through the door as Bucky bent down, his arms back around Steve’s neck, to steal another kiss. They were just so nice, so delicious. 

He grunted a little as Steve dropped him on his bed, his legs still dangled over the edge a little, but that was quickly forgotten as Steve leaned over him, crawling up a little so he was stradling Bucky’s thighs. 

Bucky felt their erections rub against each other through the denim of their jeans and he groaned. This man could not get more perfect. Steve bent down to kiss him again and Bucky unconsciously bucked his hips, groaning when Steve’s breath caught. 

“Oh, Bucky, you’re gorgeous, I need you.”

He nodded, his hands roaming across Steve’s thighs, up his back and down his arms, anywhere he could reach. 

“Whatever you want, Stevie, please, just keep kissing me.” He had never felt this desperate or turned on before, months of pining had really done him in, and he was a lost cause at this point. 

Steve nodded and his hands came up to Bucky’s hair, running through it again. Bucky groaned when it pulled. Shivers were running up and down his body as Steve’s hands moved and he was a complete mess. 

Suddenly a thought came to mind and he chuckled a little breathlessly. “Sorry I didn’t have dinner waiting for you.” 

Steve pulled away enough from kissing his chest to smile down at him, also laughing. “I forgot about that. I could use food later, but for now…” He trailed off, his eyes raking over Bucky’s body. Bucky shivered again at the hot stare. “For now, I’ll just satisfy myself with you.” 

“Oh, Stevie, that’s so hot. Kiss me again.” His thoughts were completely scattered at that response and at the complete way Steve fulfilled his request. 

When Steve’s fingers began to roam across his waistband he moaned again, quickly nodding when Steve sent him a questioning look. He lost himself completely to the pleasure as Steve undressed him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So while editing this chapter I realized I am no good at writing pure smut, so I left that part out, you'll just have to imagine what our boys get up to after this. As always, let me know what you think!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for homophobic language. Also, I apologize for writing Sarah Rogers this way, but it just worked for my story. In canon, I love her, this is simply to add a bit of reality to the fact that our boys are gay, and not everyone accepts that. Also, I have never been able to find any information about Bucky’s siblings except Rebecca, so I made some stuff up. Hopefully it works.

_ Oh My God They Were Roommates _

_ Chapter 13 _

Bucky woke up the next morning with an arm wrapped around his waist. Pleasure filled him again when he remembered the previous night. He shifted slightly so he could take in Steve’s face. He was wrapped in Bucky’s blanket, his hair tousled. The sunlight from the window played across his features. Gorgeous. 

After a few minutes of staring, because seriously, how lucky was he? He finally managed to tear his eyes away from the daydream in his bed and reached for his phone. It was nearly ten. Steve was gonna be late for work. 

He didn’t want to, but definitely needed to so he rolled over and gently shook Steve awake. “Steve, you gotta wake up, pal, you’re gonna be late for work.”

Steve simply hummed and moved closer, nuzzling into Bucky’s neck. That felt nice, and made Bucky reconsider the need for Steve to go to work. But no, he definitely needed to be up. He should have been up over an hour ago. 

“Steve, babe, wake up, you’re late.” 

Finally Steve’s eyes fluttered open. His sleepy blues instantly found Bucky’s face and he smiled. “Did you just call me babe?”

Bucky flushed slightly. “No, I called you late.”

Steve chuckled, reaching up to stroke Bucky’s cheek. Bucky smiled. “It’s okay, I like babe, it’s nice.”

“Well,  _ babe _ , you need to get up, it’s nine thirty five, you’re gonna be late.”

That got Steve’s attention. His eyes widened and he jerked up, reaching across Bucky for his phone. “It’s nine thirty five? Shit, I gotta go.” He ran a hand distractedly through his hair, throwing off the blanket as he nearly tripped out of the bed. “Where the hell are my clothes? Damn it, I was gonna shower. I gotta go.”

Bucky chuckled and relaxed against his pillows. Thank heaven for afternoon shifts, he never could do mornings like Steve. He did enjoy the view though as Steve quickly searched the floor for his clothes. The muscles of his back and thighs rippled and everything was on display. It was a very nice view. 

Steve was still muttering to himself as he gathered the rest of his things and moved to the door. 

“Hey!” Bucky sat up before Steve entered the hallway. 

Steve turned back, his hand running through his hair again. “What? I’m late, Buck, I gotta go.”

“I know, but come here. Just for a sec.”

Steve sighed but walked back over. Bucky reached up to him and pulled him down for a kiss, putting far more heat than necessary into it. He couldn’t help himself. 

Steve finally pulled away and his eyes had darkened. “You’re such a tease, I can’t stay.”

Bucky chuckled. “I know, but I’ve been pining after you for months, give me a break till I get used to this.”

Steve smiled and straightened. He pointed teasingly down at Bucky. “I am late, so I won’t comment on that now, but we are unpacking that sentence when I get home.”

Bucky grinned. “I’ll look forward to it, captain gorgeous.”

Steve rolled his eyes and moved back to the door. “I prefer babe, thank you. And seriously? Pining for months? We need to have another talk apparently.”

That made Bucky laugh. “I thought I explained pretty well in that letter.”

Steve shook his head, a smile still on his face. “I love that letter, but a talk could be fun.” He winked and then quickly disappeared. 

Bucky chuckled again, for the first time in months he actually felt happy, content. He’d said what he needed to say to Steve, Steve had returned his feelings. He allowed himself a few minutes of happy relaxation before he finally got up, putting on some coffee just in time for it to be ready for Steve when he left. He stole another kiss and Steve was gone. His life couldn’t be better. 

_ IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII _

That attitude continued for the next couple of weeks as they quickly fell into a comfortable rhythm. They still went to work, Bucky still went to the bar with Natasha and Clint, Steve still went to school. But when they came home, the other was waiting. Steve practically moved into Bucky’s room, he spent most nights there and they woke up in each other’s arms. Unless Bucky had been drinking. Steve refused to sleep next to a drunk Bucky, claiming that it was mostly the hangover the next morning that kept him away. Bucky couldn’t say he blamed him, but he definitely missed him those nights, and it was all the reason he needed not to get drunk very often at all. 

He had filled Natasha in the day after their first night together and had to listen to her shrill cries of joy over the phone. Even weeks later when she saw them together she squealed. It was cute at first, now it was getting annoying. 

But nothing seemed to be able to kick Bucky out of his good mood. Even Peirce at the shop had noticed his attitude. He’d finished the classic car, completely restored it, and the promotion that came with it only lifted his mood further. Steve had come out to see it when it was done, he’d walked around it in awe, showering praise on Bucky, about the paint job (just a simple black with silver trim) and the beautiful sound it made when the engine turned over, the leather upholstery added a classy touch. His praise lifted Bucky’s spirits even further, and he hadn’t been able to keep the grin off his face for the rest of that day. Peirce had told him just two days later that he had found a buyer for the car, selling it for a huge profit, a decent part of which went to Bucky. He now had money for a gift for Steve and then some. He was thrilled. 

The holidays were just around the corner, and the first snow of the year fell just a week before Thanksgiving. It wasn’t anything heavy, not even enough to stick, but Steve had pushed him out onto their balcony to enjoy the flakes. Bucky had locked him outside for fun enjoying the laughter and frustrated looks he got through the glass. But Steve couldn’t stay mad at him and when Bucky let him back in the only punishment he got was Steve’s cold hands up his shirt. They had warmed up quickly after that. 

He was still in a good mood as they packed up his mustang for the trip to his mom’s house for Thanksgiving. The cold was biting and the air was wet, and he hadn’t put on his jacket when he’d left the apartment. He grabbed another duffle bag from Steve as the man came up behind him. He added it to the trunk as he rolled his eyes. 

“Two duffle bags? It’s only four days. For heaven’s sake, you’re so high maintenance.” 

Steve only threw him a grin. “I guess it’s a good thing I got myself a mechanic, huh?”

Bucky huffed as he grinned. “I do cars, there’s a difference.”

“You do me too.”

Bucky blushed and he shoved Steve, heading back up to the apartment to check if he’d forgotten anything. “You’re such a fucking flirt, Rogers.”

“Only with you, sweetheart!” 

“Whatever, I’ll be back in a second.”

He walked through the apartment quickly, making sure he grabbed his jacket off the couch. He shut off all the lights, and quickly locked the door. He grinned as he quick-stepped down the stairs, eager to be on the road. But mostly happy about Steve. 

That happiness dissipated a little when he came around the corner to see Steve with his head in his hands, his phone pressed to his ear. He was sitting in the passenger seat with the door open, his feet planted on the concrete. 

“I don’t know what you expect me to do about it! You made me make a choice, what did you expect?”

Bucky quickly pulled his jacket on, dropping to a crouch in front of Steve. The frustration and pain was evident in both his voice and face, and Bucky wanted it gone. He’d been so happy a minute ago, what happened? Who was on the phone? 

He placed a hand on Steve’s knee and Steve finally looked up at him. His eyes were tortured and he pulled the phone away from his ear long enough for it to light up so Bucky could see the caller ID. 

_ Sarah Rogers Mom  _

His heart clenched a little. Steve hadn’t talked to his mother in over a year. She never called, she’d even missed his birthday. His dad had been no contact for longer than that. Why were they suddenly calling now? They’d made it very clear he wasn’t welcome as long as he was practicing any kind of sexuality that wasn’t heterosexual. He had chosen to accept himself, and Bucky was so glad for that. He knew how much it tore Steve apart to think that his parents couldn’t accept him anymore, so this reminder that during the holiday season he couldn’t be with his family, but instead had to be with Bucky’s, couldn’t be good. 

He squeezed Steve’s knee in what he hoped was a reassuring way, nodding in understanding. He didn’t move, offering his silent support. Besides that one comment Steve hadn’t said anything into the phone. His eyes were glistening now and Bucky reached up to stroke his hair. Steve lowered the phone from his ear and hit the speakerphone button. 

Sarah Rogers' voice filled the air. Bucky shook his head in frustration as he recognized her rant. It was the same one he had gotten when Steve had let it slip that Bucky was gay. It was the same one Steve had received when he’d come out accidently to his parents almost two years ago. The same bullshit drivel that proved they didn’t actually listen to anything that was taught on Sundays at that stupid church they attended. The same shit that made Bucky come to blows with Steve’s dad. Why did they have to repeat it constantly, they’d already made their point. 

_ “You’re supposed to be better than this, Steven, I believed it was just a phase, and now I’m having to explain to your father why he can’t see his son on Christmas. Because you won’t give up this stupid lifestyle. It’s damaging you, in ways you don’t even see. But I can, because I’m your mother, I know you, and this is not the son I raised!” _

Bucky met Steve’s eyes. Tears were glistening on his cheeks now. The hand holding the phone was shaking. 

“Mom, you know I love you. I miss you guys too, this wasn’t my choice. Dad told me he didn’t want to see me, you told me you didn’t want me around anymore. Don’t act like this is on me!” Steve's voice was choked and he swallowed hard. 

_ “You made your choice, and you didn’t choose us! I’m not saying it’s all your fault, clearly I didn’t raise you right, but damn it, Steven, you were supposed to grow up to be different! You were supposed to be better than this! You have hurt us all, by choosing to be someone you’re not, you’ve-” _

Bucky snatched the phone and quickly hit the end call button. He was shaking himself now, fury filling him. He barely caught himself before he threw the phone across the parking lot. His breathing was harsh, and all he saw was red. How could they do this to Steve? They’d already wrecked his life, completely disowned him. Now they had to come back and remind him of how much they were disappointed in him? 

He was pulled out of his thoughts when Steve let out a sob. Bucky forced himself to be calm and held Steve’s hand tightly. Steve gripped his hair with his other hand as tears continued to stream down his cheeks. 

Bucky took another couple of breaths before he spoke, waiting until he was confident his anger wouldn’t come through in his voice. “Stevie, babe, she’s wrong, you are beautiful the way you are. You are just the person you need to be. I promise.”

Another sob and Steve collapsed into Bucky’s arms, sliding out of the car. Bucky surrendered to the cold wet ground as he caught Steve’s weight. He ignored the way his jeans instantly became soaked and stroked Steve’s back instead. 

“Babe, you are perfect, I promise. Please, just ignore her, she doesn’t understand you yet.”

“When she called I got so excited. I thought it was gonna be better. I thought I could go home this year.” Steve’s voice was broken and full of pain, as he sobbed against Bucky. 

“I know, I know, babe, I’m so sorry.”

Bucky was lost for words. He didn’t know how to deal with this. He’d gotten so used to happy, care-free, excited Steve. All of the words he would normally say fled his mind. He was too angry still to really be useful. 

So he pulled out his own phone, never letting go of his boyfriend. He dialed his own mother’s number. She was much better at this than he was. 

_ “Hello, my darling.” _

“Hey, ma, I need your help.” He couldn’t keep the anger and desperation from his voice. 

_ “What’s wrong, what happened?” _

Bucky placed a quick kiss on Steve’s head. “It’s Steve… His mom called… It’s really bad.”

_ “Oh dear, just the usual?” _

“Yeah… And then some.”

_ “Put him on the phone, dear.” _

Bucky quickly hit the speakerphone, and kissed Steve’s head again. “Listen, Stevie, please.”

_ “Steven Grant Rogers, are you listening to me?” _

Steve sobbed again before nodding. His voice was thick and heavy and he didn’t lift his head off Bucky’s shoulder. “Yes, ma’am, I am.”

Her voice was stern, but loving.  _ “Your mother does not see you the way you are. You shine too brightly for her to look at properly. You are one of the best boys I know, and you are currently with a boy I raised, so understand that I mean that. I don’t care what she has to say about it. You chose everything right, she should never expect you to disregard a part of yourself to make her comfortable. I don’t believe God would ever think of you any differently because of who you love. You remember that. I’ve told you this time and again, if they don’t want to be your family you are welcome into this one.”  _ At this point her voice changed, softening considerably.  _ “I understand that holidays are hard when we can’t be with the ones we love, and I know you still love your parents. And I am proud of you for still loving them, it shows how good of a son you truly are. I love that about you, and I pray every night that one day they will come to understand everything about you. You are so special, special enough to catch the eye of my son, and that’s not easy, you know. You are welcome into my family, I love you as one of my own, every part of you. Do you understand?” _

Steve lifted his head a little and nodded. “Yes, ma’am, I understand.” 

Bucky caught his eye and smiled softly, still angry, but less so now. Steve smiled back a little and gave him a small peck on the lips. 

There was a clang on the phone, then muffled shouting. Bucky’s mother was back a second later.  _ “Havoc is being wrecked on my home, so I have to go. But, Steve, come to me, I’ll hold you and you can cry all your tears, and you can miss them and be terribly sad for as long as you need to. But come be sad with a nice slice of pumpkin pie and some hot chocolate, would you, dear?” _

That finally got Steve to laugh, even though it was choked. “Yes, ma’am, that sounds nice.”

_ “Good, I’ll see you boys soon, remember I love you. Would you put Bucky back on?” _

Bucky kissed Steve’s cheek softly before he put the phone back to his ear. “I’m here.”

_ “Bucky, you need to love him as much as you can on the way here. Don’t force him to cheer up, let him be sad, but do try to show him that he is loved.” _

“I will, I promise. We’ll head out in a bit. I’ll keep you updated.”

_ “Good. I love you too. I’ll see you soon.” _

“Bye, ma.” He hung up quickly, tossing his phone into the car behind Steve. 

He sat there with Steve for another minute, rubbing soft circles into his back. The silence brought back his anger and he had to keep himself in check. Finally Steve broke the silence. 

“Thank you.”

Bucky nodded. “Of course, babe. I’m sorry, I wish I knew how to help.”

Steve brushed his hands against his cheeks, then leaned down to kiss Bucky. His lips were wet and tasted salty, but Bucky didn’t care. He returned the kiss gladly. 

When Steve pulled away he was smiling, still a little sadly, but smiling. “You always do a pretty good job. Your mom is pretty great.”

Bucky nodded. “Yeah, I know, I figured she would know what to say better than me.”

Steve laid his head back down. “You do a pretty good job yourself.”

“Thanks…” Bucky hesitated, feeling the anger swell in him again. Steve’s parents had no right to ruin his life like this. Why couldn’t they just accept him and love him? It wasn’t like he was hard to love, the man practically glowed with sunshine, always helping and joking around. How could they ignore everything that was wonderful about him for something that hardly made a difference?

“Bucky? Are you okay?”

Bucky hadn’t realized he’d tightened his grip on Steve until he tried to pull away. He blinked, and nodded. “Sorry, yeah.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I’m just… I’m a little angry, I’m sorry, it just hurts me to see you hurting.” Bucky ran his hand through his own hair anxiously. “I hate that they do this to you. Makes me want to hit something.”

For some reason that made Steve laugh. He kissed Bucky again before clambering to his feet. He gave Bucky a hand up too. “You’re so cute when you’re protective.”

Bucky rolled his eyes, trying to find the humor but failing. “Sorry.”

Steve bent down to kiss him again. Bucky marveled at his composure, but this was nothing new. He always recovered amazingly well from conversations about his parents, though Bucky suspected he really just shoved his emotions down and didn’t deal with them. It was a Steve kind of thing to do. 

“I’ll be alright, and your mom’s right. Some pumpkin pie does sound good.” 

Bucky sighed but conceded the point. It’s not like he could just drive over to Steve’s parents house and clock them with a right hook. Even if that’s what he really wanted to do. That would hurt Steve more than help. 

He waited till Steve dropped down into the car, then closed his door softly. He didn’t notice he still held Steve’s phone till it vibrated in his hand. He stopped on his way around to the driver’s side to click the screen on. 

Sarah Rogers. Again. He quickly denied the call, anger surging. 

He forced himself to get into his mustang calmly, the phone clutched in his hand. He turned the ignition, and cranked the heat up. Leaving the door open had let all the cold air in. 

He was instantly aware of his wet pant legs, but forced himself to ignore it again. He could wash his pants at his mother’s house, and his car was due for an interior detailing anyway. 

Steve held his hand out. “I need to listen to some music.” 

Bucky nodded and handed over his own phone, keeping Steve’s in his hand. “It’s already connected to bluetooth.”

Steve frowned. “I can use mine, it’s got my anxiety playlist on it.”

Bucky glanced at him as he pulled out of the parking lot. “No, I’m keeping it for now.”

As if to prove his point it buzzed again. Bucky glanced down and again denied the call.

“Who was that?”

Bucky glanced at him but didn’t answer. 

Steve sighed, and leaned forward, his head in his hands again. Bucky tucked the phone under his leg and reached over to rub Steve’s back. 

“Babe, I’m just gonna keep it until she stops calling. I’m not gonna let you listen to her bullshit anymore. It’s all lies, and all it does is hurt you.”

“I just need music, please.” The broken plea was so unlike Steve that it hurt. 

He quickly pulled Steve’s phone out again, unlocking it. “Which music app is your playlist on?”

“Spotify.”

He clicked open the app, finding the correct music quickly. He connected it to his car’s bluetooth and put it on shuffle. Soft music filled the car and Steve’s shoulders relaxed a little. Bucky dropped the phone and reached over again to put a hand on Steve’s neck. 

“I’m here, babe, it’s gonna be okay.”

They drove in silence except for the music. Bucky’s anger made his foot a little heavier and he had to remind himself multiple times to slow down. The music was occasionally interrupted by another phone call, everytime Bucky denied it. Everytime tension rose in Steve. 

By the time they arrived at Winnifred Barnes’ house it felt like a lot longer of a drive than an hour. 

_ IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII _

The next day, Thanksgiving, Steve still couldn’t snap out of the sadness. He’d spent a couple hours with Bucky’s mom, listening to her and just enjoying being loved. But it still hurt that he couldn’t be with his own family. Being raised as an only child had given him a unique relationship with his parents, and now they couldn’t even talk to him, they didn’t want to see him. It hurt a lot. 

So here he was, sitting on the couch and watching Bucky’s niece and nephew play with legos. Rebecca, Bucky’s older sister, had asked if he could watch them and he’d agreed. Why he’d agreed he didn’t know, but now he was regretting it. He really wanted to go on a walk, or take a nap, or do anything that wasn’t sitting here being miserable. The kids were cute though, Emery was four, just old enough to be both annoying and adorable, and Joseph was a little over a year old.

He could hear Bucky’s voice from the kitchen, he was talking to his mom. Steve was a little jealous. He wished he could talk to his mom like that, like he used to. He pulled out his phone and scrolled through his missed calls. Bucky had finally given him back his phone last night as they were getting into bed. His mom had called fourteen times, he had instantly noticed that the last call had been answered, no doubt by Bucky. He didn’t know what Bucky had said, the call duration was only twelve minutes, but his mom hadn’t called again. He wanted to know what had been said, but at the same time he didn’t. He didn’t want to know how much his parents still hated him. 

Finally he sighed and stood up. He scooped up baby Joseph, more concerned about him putting legos in his mouth than Emery, and walked to the kitchen.

Bucky looked up at him as he entered, breaking off the conversation. Bucky’s mom was in the middle of slicing potatoes, Bucky was sitting at the table peeling the rest of them. 

“Hey, Stevie.”

“Hey, um, can one of you guys watch the munchkins? I’m gonna go on a walk, I think.”

Bucky instantly stood, wiping his hands on a towel. “Yeah, sure.” He came over and took Joseph from Steve’s arm. 

Before Steve could turn away Bucky pulled him into an embrace with one hand. He went up on tiptoe to press a kiss to Steve’s cheek and Steve smiled. 

“Are you okay?” His voice was full of concern and Steve appreciated the love in his eyes. 

He sighed, not moving from Bucky’s arm. “Not really…”

“Do you want me to go with you on your walk?”

Steve shrugged, glancing over Bucky’s shoulder at his mom. “It’s okay, you’re busy, I just need time to think and figure stuff out.”

Before Bucky could respond Winnifred spoke up, wiping her hands on her apron as she walked over to them. “Bucky can go with you if you’d like the company. Rebecca will be back in a minute and I can watch my grandchildren until she gets back. Where is Emery?”

“Playing in the living room. If you need Bucky he can stay, it’s okay, I’ll be alright.”

She shook her head quickly, reaching for Joseph as she responded. “No, darling, it’s fine, both of you need some time to talk I think. Rebecca just went out for some last minute supplies, she’ll be back soon.” 

Bucky glanced at Steve again, his eyebrows raised. “It’s up to you, babe, do you want me?”

Steve smiled at the oddly phrased question, and tried for some humor. “I always want you, you should know that by now.”

Bucky grinned and slipped his arm further around Steve’s waist, finally surrendering Joseph to his mother’s care. “I know, but do you want my company right now?”

Steve finally nodded. 

Bucky squeezed him again then turned to kiss him mom on the cheek. “We’ll be back.”

She patted his cheek and smiled. “Dinner will be ready around six, try to be back a little earlier than that so you can say hi to your brother when he gets here.”

Bucky’s brother, Michael, had started his first year of college and had needed to finish homework before he came home for the holiday. He said he’d be here before the official Thanksgiving dinner started. Bucky’s other siblings, Lucy and David, were both very loud teenangers, they hadn’t been around all afternoon and Steve hadn’t bothered to figure out where they went. Rebecca’s husband, Brent, would join the group when he got off work. Bucky’s dad had died several years earlier from an undiagnosed problem he’d brought back with him from the Korean war, Bucky didn’t talk about him much, but he was definitely missed at times like this. So even though the group wasn’t as big as some Thanksgivings Steve had been to, it would still be a loving family. He was glad for that, even if it made him miss his own. 

Bucky led Steve to the front door where they quickly put on their shoes and jackets. It had started snowing again, leaving the ground wet as it melted. They started walking, Steve wasn’t really paying attention to where they were going, just needed his mind off of his parents. Within a few minutes Bucky slipped his hand out of his pocket to grab Steve’s. Steve smiled at him and intertwined their fingers. 

He finally found the courage to start talking. “So… I noticed the last call was answered…”

He didn’t look over for Bucky’s reaction, but he heard the sigh. 

“Yeah… I answered it.”

“That’s what I figured… Anything I should know?”

Bucky squeezed his fingers before replying. “Not really, she wasn’t as angry, until she realized it was me and not you.”

That brought Steve’s head up. “She wanted to talk to me?”   
  


Bucky shook his head sadly. “No, she wanted to bargain with you. I didn’t tell her about us, figured it’d just make it worse… but I did tell her you were happy with yourself, the way you are, that you’ve built a life for yourself and figured things out. That you’re a better person now than you used to be, told her she should be proud.”

Steve felt tears sting his eyes. “What did she say to that?”   
  


Bucky hesitated, biting his lip. “Nothing good.” 

Tears slipped down his cheeks again. He thought he’d cried all his tears already, but apparently not. “She wasn’t happy for me at all?”

Another shake of the head. “No… not really. I told her you were taking classes and how good your art has gotten, but she wouldn’t listen, just said she and your dad missed the old you.”

Steve didn’t reply, misery returning full force. They continued walking in silence.

Finally Bucky pulled him to a slow stop. “Stevie. Do  _ you _ miss the old you?”

Steve turned to face him, still holding tight to his hand. He shrugged a little, knowing the answer, but not feeling any better because of it. 

Bucky just raised his eyebrows. 

“No, Bucky, I don’t…” Steve sighed. He hadn’t felt this depressed in years, since he’d finally accepted himself for who he was. “I felt like shit back then, I didn’t understand myself, I didn’t enjoy being me. Now I do, I like myself, I like you, I like having you around and being  _ with _ you. I couldn’t do that if I was the old me, if I still lived with them.” 

He sighed again, then kept going. It felt good to finally get the words out. “I miss my parents, of course I do. But I made my choice. I didn’t want to, and I wish I didn’t have to choose, but between being with you and being with my parents… especially after all the shit they’ve put me through,  _ making _ me choose… I choose you, and I’d choose you again. It just hurts, it sucks and I wish they understood.”

Steve pulled Bucky in, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. “I would never choose to go back to the way I was before. You make me happy, being roommates with you, being in a relationship with you, all of it… makes me happy. I wouldn’t be the same if I had stayed with them. Besides, your mom put it pretty well. They would never accept all of me, and I’d rather accept all of myself, even if they won’t.”

Bucky cupped Steve’s cheek in one hand. “I’m proud of you, and I think you’re perfect the way you are. I would never want to change you, ever.”

“I know.”

After another few moments of holding each other Bucky squeezed his hand again. “Come on, we’re almost to the park.”

“The park?” 

Bucky tugged him forward. “Yeah, the park. Don’t you remember?”

Steve was confused until Bucky pulled him around the corner. Then he caught sight of their little park. Bucky used to take him here when he was sick and frustrated, but they hadn’t visited it in years. It hadn’t changed much. The metal of the slide and jungle gym was covered in the melted snow. There were still the two park benches where Bucky’s mom used to sit and watch them wrestle and goof around. There were a few extra trees than he remembered.

Steve laughed when he saw the metal merry go round, a lot more rusty than it used to be. “Hey, do you remember when you brought me out here when my parents went on that vacation and you spun me on that thing until I threw up?”

Bucky flushed a little, smirking. “I prefer to think of those times when I would push you on the swings until you felt better.”

Steve laughed. “Nah, you tripped like four times trying to get it to go faster. I could barely hold on.”

Bucky pulled him toward the swings, still smiling. “Come on, get on, I’ll push you.”

“Are you kidding? I’m way bigger than you now.”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “All that means is you’re sexier than ever. Get on the damn swing.”

Steve had to admit, it was nice to be pushed again, even if the swing was a little wet from the snow. Bucky’s hands were firm on his back as he pushed, and he tried not to get lost in his thoughts again, but it was hard. 

“You sure you’re gonna be okay?”

Bucky allowed him to slow down a little and moved in front of the swing, so Steve could see him. Steve kept the swing going with his feet as he sighed. 

“I will be, just… I miss them.”

“I know you do. I wish I could make it better.”

Steve smiled and held out his hand. Bucky took it and moved closer. The swing stopped and Steve pulled Bucky between his legs, slipping his arms around his waist. With him sitting down in the swing they were eye to eye, something that didn’t happen often. Steve decided he liked it.

“You don’t have to make it better, Bucky, just having you around is nice.”

“I’ll always be around.” He leaned in smirking a little. 

They kissed for a long time, enjoying each other. Their hands wandered but Bucky kept it from gaining heat, just trying to help Steve feel better. When Bucky finally pulled away he stroked Steve’s cheek gently. 

“Your eyes are so pretty, have I ever told you that?” He finally asked, his voice low and slightly husky from their kisses. 

That got Steve to laugh. “No, you haven’t.”

“Well, they are. And you’re so cute when you wake up, your hair’s all tousled and crazy, and your sleepy voice is my favorite. I love waking up in your arms. Having you close has made the last few weeks the best ever.”

“Whatever, flattery will get you nowhere.” Steve shoved him back a little, but Bucky moved back in with a smile. 

He went serious a few moments later. “I know this is hard for you, but I promise I’ll be right here with you the entire time. And I’ll hold you when you need me to, and I’ll kiss you and make you feel better. I’ll take you on drives when you’re feeling anxious. I’ll cuddle you on the couch when you need some time to just relax. I want to be here for you no matter what.”

Steve pulled him back in and smashed their lips together. Bucky was surprised when he tasted tears during the kiss. He pulled away but Steve was smiling, even though his eyes were glistening. 

“I want you with me too, Bucky. Thank you, I can’t even explain how much you mean to me.”

Bucky pulled him back in, but instead of kissing him again, Bucky just held him, their heads pressed together. Steve didn’t know how long they sat there, long enough for him to finally register how cold he’d gotten. At some point Bucky had started to hum, Steve couldn’t figure out what song, but the noise was comforting. His head eventually fell onto Bucky’s shoulder. He hadn’t admitted it yet, but Bucky’s hugs, being held, had become one of Steve’s favorite things. They were somehow different then they had been before, ever since they’d gotten together it had added a new depth to a lot of different things, and Bucky’s hugs was one of them. 

After a while Steve involuntarily shivered. The cold had seeped through his now wet jeans and goosebumps popped on his arms. Bucky instantly pulled away. 

“Are you cold? We can head back, get you changed into something warmer.”

Steve wanted to stay, wanted to be held for longer, but he nodded, too cold to lie. “Yeah, I’m a little cold.”

Bucky pulled him up and they started walking back. The pace was a lot faster than he’d set on the way there, but Steve was too cold to comment. 

When they started up the driveway of his mom’s house Steve stopped, staring at Bucky’s mustang. “Have I ever told you how hot your car is?”

Bucky gave him a weird look, chuckling a little. “No… It’s hot?”

Steve smirked. “Hell, yeah, it’s hot. Like in a sexy way, like you.”

Bucky rolled his eyes, smirking. “Wow, you’re ridiculous. Thank you, but come on, let’s get you inside.”

Steve stopped him again when they got to the porch. Without saying anything he pulled Bucky in, wrapping his arms around his shoulders, Bucky slipped his arms around his waist automatically. Steve laid his cheek against the brown hair. 

He finally felt relaxed again, like he could actually be happy. So what if his parents didn’t like his choices right now… Bucky did, and Bucky mattered a lot more to Steve right now, so that’s what he would focus on. 

He didn’t move, but finally decided to share his thoughts. “You know… I would never say this in front of your family, but… this year, this Thanksgiving… I’m thankful for you. I’m thankful for having you with me, for you putting up with me. You really are my best friend.”

Bucky shifted in his arms, but didn’t pull away. He chuckled a moment later. “You’re such a sap, Stevie.”

Steve smiled and squeezed him a little closer. “But you like it that way.”

Before Bucky could respond there was a loud bang and the front door flew open. 

“Steve and Bucky sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G-”

They pulled away from each other laughing. Bucky lunged forward and caught his younger brother around the waist, tickling fiercely. Michael screeched in surprise, trying to break away. 

“Yeah, who’s laughing now, Michael, who’s laughing now? Make fun of the grownups, why don’t you? You’re just mad cause you don’t have a girlfriend yet.” 

Michael only gave up when Bucky had him on the ground breathless. “Fine, fine! I’ll leave you alone! Let me up!”

Bucky grinned, turning to throw a wink at Steve before he finally pulled his brother back to his feet. He pulled him into a real hug, then punched him in the arm. “That’s what you get sometimes. You miss me?”

Michael rolled his eyes, still breathing a little heavy. “Yeah, whatever, love you, big bro.” He grinned at Steve. “Hiya, how ya doing?” 

Steve grinned. “You kinda ruined my moment there, but I’m okay, thanks.”

Michael shrugged. “Sorry, couldn’t help myself. Mom told me like two weeks ago and I’ve been waiting to rub it in Bucky’s face, can’t blame a guy.” 

Steve shook his head. “You’re ruthless.”

Michael suddenly turned uncharacteristically serious. “Seriously though, you okay? Mom said shit went down.”

Steve shrugged, making sure his grin stayed in place. “I’m okay, having this obnoxious jerk around helps.” He threw his arm around Bucky’s shoulder. 

Bucky elbowed him and he laughed. 

They moved inside, still talking. Michael filled them in about freshmen life while they helped Bucky’s mom finish the last minute preparations before the meal. Bucky insisted Steve change before dinner actually happened and when he got back downstairs everything was ready. 

He sat down next to Bucky, and Bucky instantly grabbed his hand. Rebecca said a prayer over the food, and Winnifred started the traditional circle of thanks. Steve didn’t want to get emotional again, so he glossed over the emotions when it was his turn simply stating “A family that loves me.” The grin he got from Bucky warmed his heart. 

“I’m thankful for Steve, and for having such a good life right now.” Bucky stated next. 

Steve squeezed his hand. 

As the evening went on the warmth in Steve’s heart only grew. He might not have everything he wanted, but he had what he needed. And he was determined to enjoy the rest of the weekend. As they sat in front of the fireplace later that night, after everyone else had gone to bed, he leaned in to kiss Bucky again. Yes, this was definitely something he could be happy about. It was too easy to get used to this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone who has struggled with any discrimination or family troubles in the same way that our boys have this chapter, I hope you understand that all of this stuff applies to you too, you are loved, you are perfect the way you are, and accepting yourself is far more important than making others feel comfortable. Lots of love!


End file.
